Bathroom cleaner to cough syrup: Here's what the 'Friends' candy hearts really taste like

This is the one where I rate “Friends” candy hearts.

Get it? Ugh. Of course you do. You know that the titles of “Friends” episode begin with, “This is the one” where this or that happens. Including, yes, one called “This Is the One with the Candy Hearts.” You know this because everyone, seemingly, loves “Friends.”

Almost everyone.

Brach’s is cashing in on the “Friends” craze with limited-edition “Friends” Conversation Hearts. They have “Friends” inspired references on them, like “On a break” — of course — or “latte” (the friends drink a lot of coffee at Central Perk).

Wait, there’s a “Friends” craze? Evidently. The show went off the air in 2004, after 236 episodes. For context, the iPhone hadn’t been invented yet.

Thanks to HBO Max, 'Friends' is reaching new audiences

Thanks to the magic of streaming, the show has stuck around in popular culture for an inordinately long time, reaching younger audiences all the while.

It’s new to them, after all. And if you were around when the show was still on, you may remember the NBC ad campaign to pump up reruns of its shows: “If you haven't seen it, it’s new to you.” Cynicism was something of a specialty.

Oh well. Onward and upward. First, the candy.

The candy is OK. It’s the show I (still) have problems with.

This is not the best Super Bowl snack:Seven-layer isn't even the best dip

Brach's makes a fine candy heart. But the 'Friends' money grab leaves a bad taste

You’re probably familiar with this kind of candy. You know, the little heart-shaped candy with Valentine’s Day-themed phrases on them like “B mine,” that kind of thing.

Concise language is required when you’re working with limited space, but that’s no problem for generations that have grown up texting.

Other companies also make the hearts, whose flavors generally run the gamut from cardboard to dust, with the hint of a little candy-like taste thrown in there somewhere.

But you don’t buy these for the flavor. You buy them because they’re cute. (They also have a kind of soft chalky consistency I actually like, but your mileage may vary.)

The “Friends” hearts are different. Brach’s calls it “a delicious new blend” of watermelon, strawberry, blueberry, pineapple, cherry and orange. It may be new and it is definitely a blend.

“Delicious” is pushing it, though.

Hot dog-flavored candy?Why Tailgate Candy Corn tastes like a mistake

What do the new Brach's candy hearts actually taste like?

The orange is actually pretty good, in that it has an orange flavor. Pineapple is somewhat similar in the quality department. Blueberry is also decent, though it carries with it just a whisper of bathroom cleaner, as fruit-flavored candies sometimes do.

Watermelon is odd, kind of like what someone who has never actually had watermelon might imagine it tastes like. Only sweeter.

Cherry and strawberry are mostly indistinguishable, just that cough-syrupy, Luden’s-like taste that may feel comforting or could be triggering, depending on your history with childhood coughing fits.

Let's be honest, you don't buy 'Friends' candy for the taste

All in all, it's just kind of whatever on the taste front. Again, you’re not buying these because a Michelin chef created them in his spare time. You’re buying these, if you are, because they say things like “couch.” That’s where Jennifer Aniston, Courteney Cox, Lisa Kudrow, David Schwimmer, Matthew Perry and Matt LeBlanc sat, in varying combinations, inside Central Perk. (See “latte,” above.)

There’s also “moo point,” “pivot,” “the 1 with” — all recognizable “Friends” references for fans of the show.

But there are also ones that say “PHBE” or “RCHL” or “MCNA.” Got that? Phoebe? Rachel, etc.?

It’s reminiscent either of a personalized license plate on the car of a “Friends” fan or of an old band called GTR — guitar with the vowels taken out. Which is fitting, as “Friends” is a comedy with the originality removed.

Was there not room on the little hearts for two or three more letters? What would a non-“Friends” fan make of “LBSTR?”

What would “Friends” fans make of “Lobster?”

If you know, you know. I know, and don’t think it’s funny.

Particularly later in its run, I found the show to be too smug and self-satisfied to be truly funny. Early in its run I found it too derivative of the superior “Seinfeld.” I watched it for professional purposes, not pleasure.

Which is not to say it didn’t offer any. Sure, some of the jokes were funny. The guest stars were inspired, particularly Brad Pitt, then Mr. Jennifer Aniston, dropping in for a nicely curdled Thanksgiving dinner of bitterness and blame. The same goes for guest spots by Reese Witherspoon and especially Christina Applegate as Rachel’s sisters. And who doesn’t love Paul Rudd?

Who doesn’t love “Friends?” I can name one person.

In that regard the candy hearts are the perfect tribute to the show — cute, empty calories that require a certain amount of institutional knowledge and shared experience.

I’ll take chocolate, thanks.

Life, death and relish: You can't go home again, but some flavors will get you close

Reach Goodykoontz at bill.goodykoontz@arizonarepublic.com. Facebook: facebook.com/GoodyOnFilm. Twitter: @goodyk.

Subscribe to azcentral.com today. What are you waiting for?

This article originally appeared on Arizona Republic: 'Friends' candy hearts: What the Valentine's Day candy tastes like