On the Front Porch: Larry terrorizes his neighbors with his lawnmower

Larry Fugate
·2 min read
Larry embarks on another terrorizing mowing of his yard, and unfortunately of his neighbors, on a recent sunny Sunday.
Larry embarks on another terrorizing mowing of his yard, and unfortunately of his neighbors, on a recent sunny Sunday.

"Hilda, grab the grandkids. Futgutz is using his riding mower again!"

Screams, shouts and shrieks are heard throughout Dry Creek.

"Fugate is mowing his yard. Run for your lives!"

Someone said the tornado siren should be activated. I think that was a bit extreme.

I bought a used riding mower in May due to my gimpy right knee and aching right hip. I have about a half acre to mow and limping behind a push mower for 90 minutes seemed physically improbable.

I admit the first time I used it was a bit rough. Annie Mae called the sheriff's office and my collie suggested Dry Creek Road traffic be redirected to Cleveland. As for the lady I nearly mowed down, that was an exaggeration. I missed her by at least a foot.

Braking was an initial difficulty but I did manage to stop the mower just short of the living room in the fourth house from mine on Lincoln Drive.

After my first experience with the riding mower, I forgot to lift the blades as I ran over Annie Mae's rug in the garage. The mower died. Annie Mae was in tears.

"Look what you did to my rug. It is in shreds. God will get you for this, Walter." (Annie Mae has been watching reruns of Maude on MeTV).

Dry Creek's resident handy man Earl repaired my mower.

The second time I used it, the blade belt came loose and Earl installed more guards. Even though Earl did not want payment I told Annie Mae I would write him a check. Annie Mae came back from her toy chest with a red rubber ball in her mouth.

"Give him this," she said after spitting the ball out.

"Why would Earl want a red rubber ball instead of my check?" I asked.

"Because they both bounce," Annie Mae laughed. "I should audition for Weathervane Playhouse. I am so good."

Since May I have been getting better at cutting the grass with my riding mower.

And I notice my neighbors are adapting. For example, Gloria across the street only climbs to the second limb of her red maple instead of up on the roof.

Larry Fugate is a local freelance writer and his column On the Front Porch appears on the first Sunday of the month in The Advocate. He apparently cuts grass as bad as he writes.

Cutline: Larry embarks on another terrorizing mowing of his yard, and unfortunately of his neighbors, on a recent sunny Sunday.

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This article originally appeared on Newark Advocate: On the Front Porch: Larry terrorizes his neighbors with his lawnmower