Remember when long weekends meant you caught up on your sleep?
Grab a leftover red, white, and blue sprinkle cookie and a beverage of your choice. We'll bring the laughs.
Don't even ask how the dogs are doing.
what was that sound??
- me the entire week every night after July 4th
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) July 6, 2022
Water, water, everywhere!
90% of being a parent to young children is wondering if there's a leak in the house or did the kids just wash their hands
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) July 5, 2022
“Mom, can you get me a snack?” asked the child, who was standing right next to their Dad.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) July 5, 2022
PSA: July 4th is just one day.
My neighbors with the fireworks celebrate the twelve days of July 4th.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) July 3, 2022
Like WWE, but meaner.
They should do a show where couples try to cook a meal missing an important ingredient one of them was supposed to buy earlier.
— Adam (@YSylon) July 5, 2022
Tidy houses are just messy houses with more doors.
— Laura ate his chocolate (@ericamorecambe) July 5, 2022
We didn't raise you to act that way!
Or did we. Oh no.
— CC (@CCRuns) July 5, 2022
My 14yo is babysitting for the first time and I just received this text from him. 😂😂😂 pic.twitter.com/NusAPufVrR
— Danielle ☀️ (@DaniAndi4) July 6, 2022
If there are drinks my kids are spilling them
— Mom Meh Dearest🤦🏼♀️ (@mommeh_dearest) July 5, 2022
Kanye’s line “so what we gonna have, dessert or disaster?”
Hits real different as a parent.
— Sleepy Dad Tweets (@SleepyDadTweets) June 29, 2022
We just work for them.
8 woke me up by shoving a list of rules for her birthday in my face. I'm glad to see nothing's changed since the day she was born.
— Raw Motherhood (@MetteAngerhofer) July 1, 2022
Now this is a good plan.
My 5yo just told me the first cookie is just for taste and the one after that is your dessert cookie just in case anyone is looking for a nutritionist.
— My Life Is The Pitts Family (@LifePitts) July 6, 2022
0/10. Would not recommend.
Me, thinking my kids would want to play an old game on an ancient console because I liked it as a kid pic.twitter.com/x5sd3phLms
— The Dad (@thedad) July 7, 2022
Fitness level: Sets reminders to stretch, doesn't do it
— Tori (@ToriTheMom) July 6, 2022
Teaching little kids sports is weird. We spend the first few years making sure they share and play nice, and then all of a sudden we’re screaming at them to steal and win at all costs.
— Satirical Mommy (@SatiricalMommy) July 6, 2022
It's a "rule."
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won't accommodate you if the baby is yours
— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) July 6, 2022
I won't be taking questions at this time.
Incase you see poop everywhere, it's Nutella.
-Things I should not have to say to my husband but...kids.
— Suppose She's A Wildflower (@_SouthernMama) July 6, 2022
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) July 6, 2022
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
— Marissa 💚💛 (@michimama75) July 5, 2022
Farewell, Planet Fitness!
Almost took out an eye when my sports bra strap unhooked itself and now I can never return to this planet fitness
— meghan (@deloisivete) July 5, 2022
Same thing, really.
Friend: What's it like having 3 kids?
Me: You know when the Dementors attacked Harry? A lot like that.
— 3 Wild Rainbows (@wildrainbow2) July 6, 2022
Why not, though?
Me: This is my letter of resignation.
10: You can’t do that here, Mom.
— @love.you.memeit (@LMemeit) July 5, 2022
This was not something I expected when I was expecting.
Toddler just yelled, “My bottom hurts, call an ambulance!” and the parenting books did not warn me about this level of drama.
— The Kids Are Not On Fire (@KidsArentOnFire) July 4, 2022