The Funniest Tweets From Parents The Week Of Aug. 6-12

My kids had money to spend at the store. My daughter bought a toy and my son bought….a rotisserie chicken.

— Holly Ballantine (@HollyBallantine) August 7, 2022

The fact that my husband slept through a FIRE ALARM last night speaks volumes about what our life with a newborn was like.

— Kristen | Driving Mom Crazy (@DrivingMomBlog) August 10, 2022

School emails be like:
Welcome to X Elementary! Your supply lists include everything you've already bought but in a different color. Our drop-off time is 8:24. Students arriving at 8:26 will be late. The PTA will need a donation equal to your mortgage. Welcome back!

— mom mom mom mom mom (@notmythirdrodeo) August 8, 2022

My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.

— @itssherifield (@itssherifield) August 10, 2022

My 2yo made it through a 2 hour drive, a 2 hour wait at the airport where he read a book quietly to himself, an hour flight where he happily watched Finding Nemo on silent, a bus ride where he laughed the whole time, and then screamed the entire 15 min drive home in our own car.

— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) August 9, 2022

My 5yo son: mommy, I’m Ashley.

Me: You don’t want to be called Canaan anymore?

Him: I’m still Canaan mommy but I need lotion.

— Princess | Sleep & Wellness (@themultiplemom) August 8, 2022

when you have a baby they give a lot of breastfeeding advice but tonight I learned they should REALLY give advice about what the fuck to say when your 4 year old asks what happens when we die

— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) August 10, 2022

parenting is having a phone contact list filled with names like “amy-baileysmom”

— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) August 7, 2022

There’s sibling rivalry, then there’s my 4-year-old daughter faking a phone call from her one-year-old brother’s nursery to tell us that we don’t have to collect him today because he’s going to live there now and he ‘won’t even miss us’

— Periwinkle Jones (@peachesanscream) August 10, 2022

The Dad Rule Book states you must say, "we've gotta stop money laundering" every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.

— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) August 7, 2022

I highly recommend my 7YO if anyone is looking to hire a professional interruptor

— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) August 9, 2022

“Daddy, that chicken’s ghost is gonna haunt you for eating it,” and other terrifying shit my 4yo casually says to me.

— Dad Named Matt 🇺🇸 (@mahnamematt) August 6, 2022

My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”

— Kevin The Dad (@kevinthedad) August 10, 2022

Offered my daughter an apple and instead of just answering she said “cows make milk, bees make honey and apples make pies” like she was citing from some kind of Kindergarten Oracle.

— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) August 9, 2022

Expectant Parent: What's it like being a parent?

Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?

Expectant Parent:

Me: Don't worry, you'll learn.

— Jacana Mommy (@jacanamommy) August 10, 2022

Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.

— 🍁Yukon Gold (@GrahamKritzer) August 8, 2022

My kids won't stop bugging me for an in-ground pool so tonight we're watching Poltergeist.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) August 8, 2022

My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 6, 2022

Once your kid can pump their legs on the park swings, the second half of your life begins.

— Marissa 💚💛 (@michimama75) August 9, 2022

Me: It’s such a great feeling to be so loved by my family.

My 7yo: Daddy could you move over you’re sitting in my imaginary dog’s spot.

— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) August 6, 2022