The Funniest Tweets From Women This Week (July 23-29)
The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our day with their brilliant and succinct wit. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up their hilarious musings.
Scroll through this week’s great tweets from women below, then visit our “Funniest Tweets From Women” page for past roundups.
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why are edibles always like cookies and candy and such. what if i want psychoactive ham
— rax ‘leads with her crotch’ king (@RaxKingIsDead) July 23, 2022
When I was a kid my mom told me that when I have my own home I can keep it as messy as I want, and I will be reminding her of that when I pick her up from the airport today
— klemp v. united states (@alisonklemp) July 27, 2022
have noticed an interesting trend of people being younger than me -- can't say I'm a fan!
— Rose Matafeo (@Rose_Matafeo) July 24, 2022
a movie where the family 100% knows the house is haunted but, due to the housing shortage, decides to just make the best of it. like remember kids, buddy system!! if spiders come out of the faucet you can skip bath! there is never a good enough reason to go in the cellar!!
— Alix E. Harrow (@AlixEHarrow) July 25, 2022
Why are you, as a recipe, lying about how long it takes to cook onions?
— Arielle Dundas (@ArielleDundas) July 23, 2022
Normal people: I met this guy, he was average
Victorian writers: He was, in the way of most men, possessed of a rudimentary intelligence, his countenance ordinary, his bearing mild, with some weakness about the shoulders, his hair the color of ash; he spoke of the weather— Amber Sparks (@ambernoelle) July 23, 2022
Constantly amazed by the number of men that walk around the city with no bags. Just going to work raw. Walking out the door with no emergency tissue or painkillers. Just them and their hands in their pockets against the world
— Kwan Ann Tan | 陈冠安 (@KwanAnnTan) July 28, 2022
Crazy that we went to the moon and littered.
— Akilah Hughes (@AkilahObviously) July 25, 2022
pls tell me why i’m going on a date w this man and I jokingly said you’re not a murderer right? and he said “I wish I was” bro that is not particularly comforting
— ellie schnitt (@holy_schnitt) July 25, 2022
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
— glennis (@theglennisshow) July 26, 2022
me: I’ve always loved reading
my mom: yes when you were a child we had to ground you from books because being sent to your room just made you happy
me: ???????????????????!!!!!!!!?????— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) July 24, 2022
More occupations should end in the suffix -tender. Like hairtender, shoptender, coffeetender.
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) July 25, 2022
A reminder, should you need it, of ‘mubble-fubbles’ (16th century): vague, Sunday-eveningish blues and a slight sense of doom.
— Susie Dent (@susie_dent) July 24, 2022
"work sucks, i know" are four of the most important words in lyrical history
— anne t donahue (@annetdonahue) July 26, 2022
i don’t think we give enough credit to mirror shots in movies cause how the hell are they doing that
— not trin (@unknowntrin) July 27, 2022
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I'm in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for "when were towels invented"
— Lexy Hudson (@AceOfWords) July 25, 2022
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
— ♡ (@wavxga) July 27, 2022
crazy how when i don’t text someone back it’s because i’m busy but when someone doesn’t text me back it’s because they hate me
— trash jones (@jzux) July 26, 2022
when i like a girls story im actually giving her a lil kiss on the forehead
— cyn ☼ (@cynjsi) July 28, 2022
This couple was making out by my car & miss girl had her whole body on my car. I hit the panic button & she jumped off! Lmao yes, I’m a hater! 🥰
— Farwell’s Finest (@Joaniebeknowin) July 28, 2022
It’s so cute when they’re like we will name the road by the airport Airport Road
— helena (@freshhel) July 28, 2022
the hottest words a person can say to me are “can we reschedule”
— maura quint (@behindyourback) July 25, 2022
Cooking for one person is wild. A recipe will really be like “add two grains of salt, if you add more than that you will die alone you piece of shit”
— Rachy Rach (@riot4rach) July 24, 2022
“im having a mental breakdown” concerning, sounds serious. “im in my mental breakdown era” adorable, sounds fun.
— dana bad (@baddanadanabad) July 24, 2022
This article originally appeared on HuffPost and has been updated.