My future sister-in-law paid for my wedding dress as a gift. Now, she wants her money back.
Question: "My fiancé and I are getting married in June of 2022. We got engaged in November of 2021 and started planning everything right away.
Three weeks after getting engaged, I went shopping and found my wedding dress. When it was time to pay I was going to do a split pay because it was just so much all at once. It was at this point that my future sister-in-law offered to pay for half and said it was a gift. I did not need her to do this, but she did because she wanted to.
Fast-forward a couple of weeks later, my fiancé and his sister got into an argument and now she says she's not coming to the wedding anymore. The following day she told me I had to pay her back for my wedding dress because it does not feel like a gift anymore. Am I wrong for not wanting to pay my sister-in-law back for my wedding dress after she said it was a gift?"
Answer: Congratulations on your engagement and upcoming wedding! Life is all about picking and choosing our battles, and this is one of those times. There really isn't a right or wrong answer here, but I think there’s a choice that will leave you less stressed and more likely to enjoy your wedding day and celebration.
While your future sister-in-law did offer this as a gift, the circumstances changed. This must have been a pretty serious conflict between your partner and his sister because no longer attending your siblings wedding is a serious boundary to set. She may be extremely hurt by this fight and no longer feels the need to be generous. I know you mention she is the one that brought up you paying her back, but I recommend sitting down to have a further conversation about her feelings and seeing if there’s a way to resolve them. However if it can’t be resolved, keep in mind that if you don't pay her back, you may be doing even more damage to an already strained relationship.
Now that’s not to say your soon-to-be sister-in-law is right. It is inconsiderate to gift something and then ask for it back, as gifts should always be offered out of kindness, without any strings attached. However, this is where you have to decide if this is a battle you want to fight. If I were in your shoes, I would not want to further exacerbate conflict or have anything she could hold over my head down the road. It helps that you did anticipate to pay for the entire dress on your own, but if you need to work out a payment plan with her, that’s something she will have to accept since she interrupted your original plans. Again a calm, collected conversation could help sort out a lot of this between the two of you. She may even rescind this request for repayment after talking. It's possible she just asked to spite her sibling who’s really the target of her feelings.
Weddings are already a stressful time, and I would want to make sure there’s nothing that could cause any drama at what’s supposed to be such a happy celebration. At the end of the day, you have to be comfortable with whatever choice you make, but to me one option is a little easier (although more expensive) than the other.
Wishing you the best and congratulations again,
Morgan
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Morgan Absher is an occupational therapist in Los Angeles who hosts the podcast, "Two Hot Takes" where she and her co-hosts dish out advice. She writes a weekly column, sharing her advice with USA TODAY's readers. Find her on TikTok @twohottakes and YouTube here. You can reach her by email at Mabsher@gannett.com or you can click here to share your story with her.
This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Wedding sister-in-law drama: Should I pay her back for bridal gown?
