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In the latest edition of nobody's favorite recurring segment, Stephen has an update on embattled Florida Congressman Matt Gaetz, and the conservative women's group that is backing him amid troubling allegations of sex crimes. #Colbert #ALateShow #Monologue
STEPHEN COLBERT: There you go. Now back at you. Hey. Hey, Mark. How's it going? Hey, Chris. Hey, everybody out there. Welcome to "The Late Show." I am your host, Stephen Colbert.
Folks, you could really feel that we're getting pretty close to the end of the COVID crisis. It's not over yet, but soon coronavirus will be in the rearview mirror. We'll be up in the front seat floor, and we're tonguing down on some stranger we met in a parking garage. That's what we used to do, right? That was it. I got to check my old e-vites.
Third of Americans are inoculated. And folks are ready to be professionally groomed for the first time in over a year. Customers are excitedly returning for cuts, manicures, waxes, and facials, ideally all at once by a pit crew that gases your forehead and rotates your pubes.
This is a challenge for grooming professionals, of course. All of these gnarled overgrown hedge people leave barbers struggling to identify loyal clients. It makes sense. But a few months into quarantine, I barely recognized myself. Jimmy, can we throw up a picture of me from last May? Yeah, there you go. There you go. So nice of John Lithgow go take me in.
Stylists are also shocked-- shocked, I say-- by the aftermath of home haircuts. Said one barber, "a lot of people couldn't get to the backs and just did the sides. If they tried to do the back, it kind of looks like the map of Maine," a hairstyle they call in Maine, business in the front, lobster on the back here.
Waxers are also dealing with the fallout from those who experimented with home waxing kits. Apparently, "the injuries have been pretty bad." I know it's surprising. But evidently, smearing hot wax on your own junk can go wrong, especially if you're using the wrong style of candelabra.
Now well, things are getting better. There is a new flavor of COVID going round. Because according to the CDC, "the UK variant is now the dominant coronavirus strain in the US," making it the most sickening British import since Piers Morgan.
Speaking, they don't call it the UK variant in the UK. They call it the Kent variant. Because everything's UK there, it's the Kent variant. Yeah. There you go. Not interesting, but accurate. Speaking-- that is the Late Show pledge. You may not always be interested, but we fact checked it.
Speaking of all the things about to go away, Florida representative and man soon-to-be-arrested by the real police and the fashion police, Matt Gaetz. Gaetz is currently under investigation for violating federal sex trafficking laws for allegedly having a sexual relationship with a 17-year-old. And I'll update you on just how sticky his icky is in our recurring segment, Gaetz-Gaete!
- Do you know who my father is?
STEPHEN COLBERT: I don't, actually. Gaetz has denied any wrongdoing. But sources say that just before the previous president left office, Gaetz asked for a blanket pardon. Oh, I don't think the blanket wants a pardon. I think it wants to be burned. It's seen too much.
Gaetz wanted a preemptive pardon for any illegal activity he's ever done, like innocent people do. And he had reason to believe that he might get that pardon because of his close relationship with the former president.
In fact, in his book, and yes, evidently, he can read, Gaetz bragged, "The president has called me when I was in my car, asleep in the middle of the night on my Longworth office cot, on the throne, on airplanes, in nightclubs."
The president has called me everywhere, while I was lurking in the bushes outside of a high school, while I was making fake IDs, even while I was tutoring my girlfriend for the SATs. Gaetz says the president called him, "even in the throes of passion. Yes, I answered."
Thinking about Matt Gaetz having sex, I'm in the throes of uh-- huh, but huh. But Gaetz didn't get his pardon. Because White House lawyers viewed the request as a nonstarter that would set a bad precedent.
Do you know how shady you have to be for number 45's lawyers to go-- no that's a bad look. Now if you'll excuse me, I just farted on camera. My head is leaking. And I'm late for my press conference outside the crematorium dildo shop.
Gaetz claims asking for a pardon isn't an admission of guilt. Because he wanted the former president "to pardon everyone from himself, to his administration, to Joe Exotic." Good cover, Matt. Gaetz is that guy at the Walgreen's register saying, yeah, I just got this Red Bull, the toilet paper. How did this herpes cream get in here? I don't need it, but I still want it. I bumped my lip on a biscuit.
But Gaetz has things on his own plate other than avoiding eating off a prison tray. Because amid the federal probe, he will speak to a conservative women's group at the former president's golf course. You could say that's putting the fox in the hen house. But Gaetz would rather hang out with the eggs.
The group Gaetz is speaking to is Women for America First, or as Cardi B calls them, "waf." They're the group of die-hard MAGA loyalists who actually organized that rally on January 6 before the deadly insurrection at the US Capitol.
And his speech is part of a gala dinner, which has the theme of Americana, featuring "barbecue, boots, and bluegrass," not to be confused with Gaetz' usual theme of Molly, minors, and mandatory minimums. The group has received a lot of criticism for booking Gaetz. But they defended the decision and called Gaetz a fearless leader in D.C. Yes, Gaetz fears nothing except the parents of whoever he's texting.
If Gaetz is looking for tips on how to flee the scene, he should look no further than head of the NRA and man describing what he'll do for $5 at the bus stop with his cold dead hands, Wayne LaPierre. In a deposition for the NRA's bankruptcy trial, LaPierre revealed that following both the Sandy Hook and Parkland school shootings, he hid on a yacht.
OK. You out of touch, liberal elite, if you want to come for Wayne's guns, you're going to have to hop a Jitney to the Hamptons and make it down to the boat basin by 4 o'clock because we have to launch in time for sunset cocktails. Buffy's making spritzers. In light of the revelation, the NRA has made a slight to its logo. See ya, suckers.
The yacht in question is called Illusions, named after what you're living under if you think LaPierre cares whether you live or die. LaPierre claims he fled to the yacht after the shootings in 2012 and 2018 out of fear for his safety, explaining, "I remember getting there going, 'thank God. I'm safe. Nobody can get me here.'" Great plan, which is why instead of supporting any sensible gun control, the NRA has founded this new charity,
1-877 yachts for kids. Y-A-C-H-T-S yachts for kids. 1-877 yachts for kids. And hide from what you've wrought.
The NRA's lawyer promises more embarrassing details will inevitably come out during the bankruptcy hearing saying, "Are there going to be facts that are moderately cringeworthy? The answer is yes. We're not going to run from them." Yes, the NRA doesn't run. Because the yacht club has a concierge who picks you up on a golf cart and takes you to your boat. Anyway, you win, [BLEEP] you and the boat you floated it on.
Oh, hey. There's exciting news for all you fans of coffee and breakthrough technology. Because Starbucks is launching an experimental "borrow a cup" program in which customers will order their drinks in a reusable cup and pay a $1 refundable deposit. When the customer is done with their drink, they'll return the cup and receive a $1 credit. Each cup is then cleaned and sanitized and put back into rotation for another customer to use.
OK. Let me get this straight. There's a vessel of some kind, each of which you pour liquid. And after you consume said liquid, you're going to wash it. Sorry. That's not how I roll, grandpa. Now burn the shards. Everybody, OK? Everybody's eyes, OK?
STEPHEN COLBERT: No rehearsal for that one. If you want to take the cup to go, no problem, because Starbucks will send someone to pick up the reusable cups from your home. OK. That is not only environmentally wonderful but super convenient.
I can't wait to get a knock on the door at 2 o'clock in the morning. Hello, I'm picking up a cup from Sterpen? So is everybody OK? They did not know I was going to do that. And I did not know it will shatter quite so satisfyingly. But boy, did it.
In Civil War news, this week a chair honoring Jefferson Davis was stolen from an Alabama cemetery and held for ransom. Someone stole Jefferson Davis' chair. My God! Please tell me they've got security around Robert E Lee's hammock.
The Jeff Davis Memorial chair was supposed to be guarded by the United Daughters of the Confederacy or UDC. Of course, you might know them by their more common name, the aunt you've blocked on Facebook.
The monument was stolen by a group called White Lies Matter who sent a ransom note to the UDC, threatening that failure to meet their demands would result in "the monument, an ornate stone chair, immediately being turned into a toilet." Makes sense because in the Civil War, the Confederacy finished number two.
- The host shall slam again!
STEPHEN COLBERT: So what are their demands? The group wants the UDC to display a banner featuring a quote by activist Assata Shakur in front of the organization's headquarters reading, "The rulers of this country have always considered their property more important than our lives."
That is a very classy demand for a very childish threat. That's like saying, write me a research paper on the use of liminality in post-Reformation literature, or I will crap in your hat.
The group even sent a Photoshopped image of their plans for the Jefferson Davis Memorial toilet. OK. That's just lazy. If you're going to deface a Confederate monument by turning it into a toilet, at least do it right, OK?
You want one of those soft close lids and one of those wands that has like, 10 different spray modes, but all the commands are in Japanese. I don't know what super ejecto means, but I do know it made me feel like I was in a common law marriage with plumbing.
We've got a great show for you tonight. My guests are Leslie Odom, Jr. and physicist Michio Kaku. But when we come back, I've got some science news that's a little light on the science and the news. Stick around. Batter up.