Gary Brown: Cataloging 'me' Christmas gifts

I want an $89.99 "Virtual Pong" wand for Christmas so I can play a "fast-paced, futuristic game" of table-less ping pong that bounces a "simulated ball of light" off walls.

Maybe, playing by myself I could beat an imaginary buddy. I never could, as a kid, beat my friend Chuck who had a real ping pong table in his basement.

Or, perhaps I'd prefer to get a "Boardless Skateboard." I could ride along the pavement on foot rings until I face-planted or butt-landed on asphalt. It's for ages "10+." I'm well into the "plus."

At $119.99 it's still less than my medical insurance deductible, which I'd no doubt have to use if I ever got myself a "Boardless Skateboard" and broke something using it on Christmas Day.

On second thought, I think I really want a $59.99 "Glow-In-The-Dark Floating Target Game," which includes a dart gun that shoots up to 12 darts at Styrofoam target balls suspended in the air by a built-in blower. I'm sure my loved one wouldn't mind being tagged by a blunt-headed dart if she happens to pass in front of me during my play time.

In all honesty, I'm only saying I want this because once she says "absolutely not" to my request I could try to bargain for getting the $69.99 "Virtual Archery Challenge Set" that doesn't fling anything into her space.

I think she'd prefer being shot virtually instead of getting bonked in reality.

Not making a list for Santa

Don't get me wrong. I'm not asking for her or anyone else to buy me any of these things for Christmas. It's just been a recent tradition of mine to scan the annual Sharper Image holiday catalog to look for unique things that I didn't know I wanted.

And, speaking of gifts to myself that might irritate my loved one, I couldn't do any better than the "Rock 'N' Roll Electronic Drum Mat." According to the catalog, it uses "plastic drum sticks to pound out a solo" that features "8 authentic drum sounds." Sure it's listed as being for ages 3+, but I believe you're never too old to make noise.

That's why another option for a me-gift might be the "Giant Piano Mat," like the one Tom Hanks played by stepping on it in the movie "Big." It has "built-in dual speakers," so sound won't be a problem, at least for me.

A more realistic and less space-consuming musical option might be the "Flexible Roll Up Piano" keyboard you play with your hands instead of your feet. The Sharper Image people claim the silicone rubber keyboard plays "120 instrument sounds, drum beats and record/playback" through a built-in speaker.

I could irritate people way down the street with that.

Of course, I'm not trying to irritate people. That wouldn't be in the spirit of the season.

I'm just attempting to find something under my tree – even if I have to package it up and put it there myself – that I'm pretty sure Santa wouldn't think to bring me.

These are things in the catalog such as the "Driver Drink Dispenser," which "looks like a golf club in your bag, but it dispenses beverages: ice water, coffee, etc." Yeah, heavy on the "etc."

And, it includes the "Bacon Express Toaster," which uses a "vertical cooking method (that) drains away fat and grease." How healthful. But, honestly, they sold me with the word "bacon."

A few final gift ideas

There are many other suggestions for gifts to myself in this year's catalog that would fit a man my age.

A "Portable Retractable Stool," for example, because sometimes I just feel a sudden need to sit down.

Or, a cordless "Hair Growth Comb" which uses lasers to "stimulate hair growth follicles and treat moderate stages of male and female pattern hair loss." Moderate? Does moderate shine and get sunburned?

I could get "Night Time Driving Glasses." I'm old enough to be blind at dusk, way before dark.

But, who am I kidding? Christmas is a time for giving, not receiving. When the Sharper Image catalog hangs around long enough, I'll choose to buy a thoughtful gift for my loved one instead.

Maybe I'll get her the "Light-Up Basketball Hoop" that "fits over any standard door, turning your room into an arcade-style shooting experience." It could go on the back of the bedroom door, for instance, and be about the distance of a foul line away.

Sure, she'll stare at me with a confused and questioning look when she unwraps it, but she'll understand when we turn in and I ask, "You tired or are you up for a quick game of H-O-R-S-E?"

Even at the holidays, I'm such a guy.

Reach Gary at gary.brown.rep@gmail.com. On Twitter: @gbrownREP

This article originally appeared on The Alliance Review: Gary Brown: Cataloging 'me' Christmas gifts