Gary Brown: Grandma, Rudolph and other reindeer
A social media meme I saw recently updated a holiday fantasy sung annually in a Christmas carol, and set it in the context of real life.
"Grandma get run over by a reindeer?"
Posing the question was an attorney type, an intense-looking lawyer who assured readers of his law firm's intentions.
"We'll make Santa pay."
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I couldn't help envisioning Santa being hauled into court on charges of negligent operation of a holiday vehicle and leaving the scene of a sleigh accident, then sued in civil court for damages. Pain and suffering. Grandma still hurts in the places the hooves hit. She has had trouble sleeping at night since the accident because she keeps counting charging reindeer instead of docile sheep.
When she can doze off she has nightmares. Ladies and gentlemen of the potential jury, she dreams of being in the middle of a landing strip for reindeer-powered sleighs.
Christmas never will be the same for her. She'll still leave milk and cookies under the tree for Santa. But, he should gift her with an abundance of cash − not only compensatory damages, but punitive damages, as well. After all, witnesses can testify that they heard Santa shouting to his reindeer to go − "On Dancer, on Prancer," and urging all the others − then laughing "Ho, ho, ho" as he left.
That showed intent. It was a little more than an involuntary action. He seemed to be enjoying it.
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Making Christmas more modern
Ever since I saw that meme, I've been wondering what other time-honored holiday traditions encapsulated in Christmas carols are simply out of date.
Are we still dreaming a "White Christmas," or is everyone outside of Erie and Buffalo simply assuming that global warming is pretty much going to melt all the snow before it gets a chance to settle into a layer thick enough to make a Currier & Ives painting? With apologies to Bing Crosby, perhaps we should dream of a "Warm Christmas."
If police ever stopped a sled being pulled by eight reindeer − led by another red-nosed one − would they just check Santa's license and issue a warning for having only one headlight, or would they give Rudolph a field sobriety test, then haul him and his glowing nose down to the station to blow into a breathalyer?
Since sleigh rides aren't nearly as common these days as rides in four-wheel-drive SUVs, should the song "Jingle Bells" be changed to "Honking Horns"? And should the line of another song, "sleigh bells jing-a-ling, ring-ting-ting-a-ling, too" be changed merely to lyrics making abundant use of alliteration of the word "beep"?
If a kid really saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus − either the real one or a stand-in at a store − can he be made to testify at his parents' divorce hearing? It makes me think we never should have been singing − gossiping − about it in the first place. It's none of our business what the kid's mommy does with Santa on Christmas Eve.
A few minor changes
Some songs can be brought up to modern standards with a few minor changes, of course.
I'm not sure we're supposed to be saying Merry Christmas these days. Some say that might offend certain people. Well, I don't know if that's true or not, but in an effort not to offend the people who are saying we shouldn't offend anyone, maybe we could just adapt that carol in which "we wish you a merry Christmas," and just keep repeating "we wish you a happy holidays" until we finish with a flourish − "and a happy new year!" That way we're happy all around. You know, except those we've offended by making the change.
A few more changes might be needed for the lyrics of "The Twelve Days of Christmas." I'm not sure we should be putting any partridges in pear trees against their will; keeping french hens, turtle doves or calling birds in captivity; bothering the geese while they're laying or the swans while they're swimming; or hiring maids to milk, ladies to dance, lords to leap, pipers to pipe, or drummers to drum unless they are members of recognized trade or performers unions. And why five golden rings − isn't one enough? Do loved ones need a ring for every finger at a time when there are holiday supply shortages?
Oh, and we might want to stop singing "Oh Little Town of Bethlehem." I checked the population. It's now a city of more than 75,500 people. A quaint little town it's not.
Finally, I think we need to get rid of all the renditions of "Jingle Bell Rock" that were sung by singers other than rock stars. Hearing a rock carol recorded by country artists or classical musicians seems contradictory.
Reach Gary at gary.brown.rep@gmail.com. On Twitter: @gbrownREP.
This article originally appeared on The Repository: Gary Brown: Grandma, Rudolph and other reindeer
