Gary Brown: A time for gifts we didn't know we needed

I don't need a "GPS Audible Golf Range" finder to figure out the distances from my ball to the green.

But, now I want one.

Also, a "Sports Team Car Door Light," which "projects a genuine team logo onto the ground every time you open your door," according to a holiday Sharper Image catalog I recently received, wouldn't be a life changer for me.

It sure would be fun though.

Nor do I have much of a use for the "Mighty Carving Knife," a two-handed holiday dinner helper that greatly resembles a chain saw. But, I'm a guy, and what guy wouldn't love to put a major power tool to work slicing the holiday ham. If it isn't as loud as a chain saw, because it's battery-driven, I'd make a gas-powered motor sound as I carved with it, setting the mood for the dining pleasure of my dinner guests.

To be perfectly honest, I didn't know I wanted any of these items until I saw the catalog and suddenly got a hankering to own them.

I'll admit, the gifts inside the Sharper Image catalog are a bit pricey, but that's because they're gadgets and not gag gifts. And they're useful, at least in the sense that they help you do things that you're already doing, but in a more cool and high-tech way.

A "Heated Ice Scraper," for example, will call to a guy, even if he has a handful of regular plastic cold-as-winter scrapers in his garage.

So, suddenly I'm not the man who has everything, I'm the fella who wants everything.

Declines a few gifts

Well, I don't really want everything in the catalog.

I could do without the "Nose and Ear Hair Trimmer" that's the No. 1 seller, according to Sharper Image's catalog people. I might need a nose and ear hair trimmer, but I'm not writing Santa about any desire I might have for it. Rule No. 1 in life: Never come right out and admit, "Hey, I'm a hairy Neanderthal."

Nor am I going to get a cordless "Professional Laser Facial Hair Remover" for my loved one. I'm more or less a traditionalist concerning my Christmas gifts. And by that I mean I never buy her anything that might say to her, "Here, this is because you're growing a beard, maybe a mustache, and very well could have caterpillar eyebrows, too."

That sort of gift might make Christmas a little less merry, at least through the end of the year.

For similar reasons, I'm also going to pass on the "Professional Face Rejuvenator," the "2-in-1 Cellulite Remover," the "Double Chin Reducing Massager," the "Underarm Toner," and the "Under Eye Rejuvenator" that gives a woman "a more youthful look."

No, wait, it's not for similar reasons, it's pretty much for the same exact reason − fear.

New holiday gift finder

Still, there are dozens of other products provided by Sharper Image that meet my newly discovered needs.

Now that the Sears Roebuck "Wishbook" is gone, leaving many of us without a trusted resource for pinpointing our Christmas gift desires, the annual Sharper Image holiday catalog is my go-to publication for answering the question that has haunted many of us in December since we were children.

What is it we just can't live without?

Maybe an "Ultrasonic Eyeglass Cleaner," which "uses ordinary tap water and vibrating sound waves to remove smudges, dirt and oil?" You know, instead of just using a facial tissue.

Perhaps a "Thermal Ice Cream Scooper" that maintains an "ideal scooping temperature" in order to "give your wrist a rest" as you "easily scoop hard, frozen ice cream."

It could be we desperately need a "360-Degree Swivel Cushion" that makes it "easier to get in and out" of your car seats simply by sitting and turning until your feet can lower to the ground.

I have a feeling that golfers would love to wake up on Christmas morning and find a drink dispenser shaped like a driver, eyeglasses that are supposed to find lost balls, a vertical net to practice chip shots, a cordless putting mat that returns balls to you electronically, a rechargable rotating brush that cleans the heads of golf clubs, or my favorite − the GPS distance finder, which clips right to your hat − all wrapped and stuffed under the Christmas tree.

Others might favor such kitchen gifts as a toaster that cooks both bacon and eggs, an electric salt and pepper mill that lights up your plate, a stainless steel egg cooker that steams seven eggs at a time, a 26-piece grilling tool set that comes in a carrying case, or the "chainsaw" carving knife that will make you grunt like Tim Allen and growl − "More power!" − when you use it.

Granted, we arguably could get along in life without these products.

When you see them pictured in a catalog, however, will you want to?

Reach Gary at gary.brown.rep@gmail.com. On Twitter: @gbrownREP

This article originally appeared on The Repository: Gary Brown: A time for gifts we didn't know we needed