Gary Brown: Why we should be able to keep classified documents
What follows is why I kept classified documents in my home.
Everybody who is anybody in the United States government seems to be hoarding critical national security stuff. I figure it's only a matter of time before papers stamped "Top secret" start turning up in the basements, garages, or cars of us nobodies.
So, I've decided to come up with a bunch of excuses now, to get ready. That way, we won't have to scramble later for reasons why we might have papers that should have been shredded or turned into the National Archives or at least not stored in boxes in our hall closets.
More:Gary Brown: Recalling Aunt Jessie's long, loving goodbyes
Leading the list of explanations is simply pleading ignorance. Hey, it's worked for our national leaders for years.
"Uh, I have no idea how classified documents might have fallen behind my clothes dryer. But, while you were back there looking, did you happen to find any of my lost socks?"
We still might go to prison, but we'll have a chance of getting back full sets of those favorite blue and black pairs to wear with dress shoes when we stand trial.
Sort of logical explanations
Of course, we may not have to do hard time at all. Let's face it, everybody has boxes of stuff in their house that are filled with things they don't remember packing from some previous move. We pack it. We take it. And we figure out what is in which unmarked box later.
"Classified papers? Really! That's a surprise to me. I thought the old Amazon box was just filled with old golf magazines."
Who really knows what they have in their possession at any particular time? That's why it's perfectly understandable to claim, "Look, I'll admit, I'm not the most organized person. I have no idea what's laying around here. Last week I found a half-eaten 3-year-old Snickers bar in my briefcase. It was still in the wrapper."
More:Gary Brown: Sailing into more sunsets
These are excuses I believe investigators will relate to when they're looking into whether to charge any of us with mishandling secret information, making it so unsafe that it might fall into the hands of our enemies in other countries.
"OK, granted, I shouldn't have taken it," we could admit to anybody who raids our homes and private offices. "But, really, it was inadvertent. And it still was safe," we could argue. "It's probably safer than the National Archives. If you were a foreign spy, would you think to look for anything important toward the back of my garage, inside a grocery bag, under a pile of those dark brown work gloves, behind my snowblower?"
In case you become president
Presidents and vice presidents of the United States, of course, as well as anyone else in the government, bear far more responsibility for any classified documents in their possession than do the rest of us, who might just have gotten access to them by purchasing them from a Camp David garage sale or from some former president who might be trying to make "eating out money" by selling them on eBay. And, they should expect to face added scrutiny when those "for their eyes only" secret papers are found to have been even inadvertently taken with them when they leave office.
Nevertheless, it's possible that they might talk their way out of being charged with any pesky national security crimes, such as the mishandling of official documents or, well, treason, if they have what we like to call a "perfectly understandable excuse" for taking potentially dangerous "Top Secret" stuff.
As a proud American, I'm happy to provide explanations for anybody who has been or who wants to become president and who plans to take home national security documents, you know, accidentally.
Try saying:
"OK, I see now that I had my grocery list written on the back of this one. That's why I kept it."
"Oh, so THAT'S where that secret document got to. We were looking for it for a long time before we moved out. I thought we mistakenly used it as a bookmark."
"You have to understand, documents like these cure insomnia. I like to read late at night when I go to bed and this secret government stuff always puts me right to sleep. The National Archives has lots of files. I really didn't think they would begrudge me a good night's sleep."
"Secret? What's so secret about these documents? Everybody knew about them. We talked about them at almost every meeting."
"Look at these papers. Even if somebody got hold of them, they never could understand them anyway. They're still in code. I only kept them in case the first lady and I ran out of the cryptogram puzzles we solve every morning."
"C'mon! What's the big deal? Everybody in the White House has been taking stuff for years..."
Reach Gary at gary.brown.rep@gmail.com. On Twitter: @gbrownREP
This article originally appeared on The Repository: Gary Brown: Why we should be able to keep classified documents
