If they 'say gay,' will my child be safe? Parents of LGBTQ kids are scared of copycat laws

Jeff Walker pulled up to the school driveway in his white SUV, his mind racing: Will my daughter be able to use the bathroom at school? Where will I take her to the doctor? Where do I get her medicines?

That afternoon, Alabama became the newest state to pass restrictions on LGBTQ children, and Walker worried about what it meant for his daughter, Harleigh, 15, who is transgender. Was she safe? And then: Should they move?

He is far from the only dad overcome with fear over the safety of his LGBTQ child.

Parents of LGBTQ children and youth across the country are worried about their children's well-being as lawmakers pass legislation that attacks civil rights at school and at the doctor's office, opponents say. Nearly 20 states follow in the footsteps of Florida and Texas, which passed laws banning gender-affirming medical care and barring public school teachers from teaching about sexual orientation or gender identity, in what critics call "Don't Say Gay" legislation.

"This group of children have been targeted in a way that you have put their health, their mental well-being in jeopardy and their lives in jeopardy. There's just no other way to paint this picture," said Walker, 46, of Auburn, Alabama.

Walker was emphatic: "You have not protected one child, you have made these children more at risk."

Parents say anti-LGBTQ laws 'devastating' to children

Since 2018, the number of anti-LGBTQ bills filed across the USA soared from 41 to 238, and 191 of them were proposed in the past year, according to Freedom for All Americans, a bipartisan lobbying group working to end discrimination against LGBTQ people.

Some laws ban transgender kids from playing sports. Others prevent them from receiving medical care or therapy services that recognize their gender. Some states want to keep students and faculty from talking about LGBT issues at school.

The Friday morning after Alabama passed its slate of laws, Walker was working the phones and shooting off emails.

He needed to get in touch with his daughter's doctors and therapists in Birmingham about how the laws banning gender-affirming medical care would affect them.

"We're going to have to figure it out, we have to see what our options are," Walker said. "This isn't an urgent care where there's one in every city, right? This is very specialized care."

His health insurance provider is based in another state, meaning Harleigh's medicines were still covered. Without insurance, it would be $11,000 for a three-month supply.

Walker wondered if he would have to split up his family and move across state lines, so his little girl could get the care she needed. That would mean leaving his 20-year-old son serving in the Alabama National Guard.

"The impact of just saying we've got to pick up and load up the wagons and move would be devastating to both of my children," Walker said.

"For Harleigh, moving away from her friends and where she's lived her entire life," he said. "For my son Robbie – he can't go anywhere – which means one of the parents would need to stay here and be supportive."

Experts said one of the biggest issues with anti-LGBTQ legislation is that the language is intentionally vague, so students, parents and teachers will be afraid to discuss topics perceived as prohibited and to seek out guidance or medical care.

Tobias Barrington Wolff, a law professor specializing in constitutional law and LGBT rights at the University of Pennsylvania Carey Law School, said state directives about medical treatment raise questions about the constitutional protection afforded the parent-child relationship in the 14th Amendment, which allows parents to direct the care, upbringing and education of their children.

When it comes to education laws, "the state has broad leeway in choosing its own curriculum, even if it chooses an approach that fosters ignorance," Barrington Wolff said. "Parents of trans, gay, lesbian and bisexual young people should be very concerned."

Censoring school curricula and imposing felony charges on doctors who provide best-practice medical care are examples of a much larger anti-LGBTQ legislative wave, said Sam Ames, director of advocacy and government affairs at the Trevor Project, a nonprofit based in West Hollywood, California, that focuses on suicide prevention among LGBTQ youth.

The measures are unpopular with many Americans.

A majority of U.S. adults would be comfortable if their child came out to them as LGBTQ, and many of them oppose the restrictive laws being passed at the state level, a poll by the Trevor Project found last week.

"These cruel policies may be out of step with reality and public opinion, but they are increasing in frequency and severity," Ames said.

Critics say anti-LGBTQ laws affect mental health of children

Kevin McDonald, 47, a school teacher in Edmond, Oklahoma, feels the pressure at school and at home. His 15-year-old daughter identifies as a lesbian.

"As a teacher, it feels like there's so much conversation about what we are doing in the classroom," McDonald said. "But now is my family going to get dragged out openly because somebody wants to out you as a bad actor because of the way your child understands themselves?"

He said he feels many emotions: Anger. Fear. Frustration.

McDonald, who is originally from San Antonio, Texas, said he remembers all too vividly how hard it was for friends who came out as gay in the 1980s and 1990s. As he sees states propose restrictions, it sends chills down his spine.

"This feels like we're being shoved back in that direction," McDonald said.

Parents and advocates said the mounting restrictions and attacks will take a toll on the mental health of LGBTQ kids and teens.

“I won’t lie. As a trans person myself, this constant barrage of attacks on people who look like me or share my experience is hard," said Shaun Connors, chapter engagement manager for PFLAG National, the country's largest organization uniting parents, families and allies with the LGBTQ community.

“Instead of planning for a summer vacation, some families are planning to uproot or move,” Conners said, “or they’re safety planning and putting ‘go bags’ together. There is real fear because lawmakers are giving permission to harm trans kids.”

Medical studies have documented that LGBTQ youth are disproportionately burdened by mental health conditions owing to increased stigma and discrimination. Receiving gender-affirming care is associated with 60% lower odds of depression and 73% lower odds of suicide, according to a study published by the JAMA Network.

"It is clear that this type of legislation will continue to present itself for the foreseeable future," said Christopher Carpenter, professor of economics and the director of the LGBT Policy Lab at Vanderbilt University in Nashville, Tennessee. "Research clearly shows that mental health status of LGBTQ+ youth are worse in states that have policy environments that are anti-LGBT."

In Alabama, the Walkers sat around their table Friday night.

They vented their frustration over Gov. Kay Ivey signing the legislation into law. It was especially hard for Harleigh, who spent her spring break at the state Capitol meeting with legislators, trying to convince them to vote against the set of bills.

"Don't you think my daughter wants to spend her vacation on the beach with her friends," Walker said.

Stopping the bill was plan A. Now it was time for the family to discuss next steps.

"We may have a plan B through Z on how we're going to get through this," Walker said.

Follow Romina Ruiz-Goiriena on Twitter: @RominaAdi

This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: 'Don't say gay': Parents of LGBTQ kids are afraid for their safety