If Gen Z have become fans of Osama bin Laden, there’s only one way to snap them out of it
Have the youth of today really started worshipping Osama bin Laden? The Guardian seems to think so. On Thursday it hastily removed the text of “Letter to America”, his 2002 broadside against Western imperialism, from its website – after TikTok users started excitedly promoting it. “My eyes have been opened,” gasped one. “We’ve been lied to our entire lives,” fumed another.
It may seem hard to understand why young Westerners would admire a mass-murdering jihadi terrorist. But I suppose there are certain ways in which he might appeal to Gen Z’s ideals. He loathed capitalism. He didn’t drink alcohol. He predicted that the planet would face “catastrophic climate conditions”. He had a beard.
At any rate, older generations are bound to be concerned about this unexpected development. Thankfully, however, there is one surefire way to put the youth of today off bin Laden.
Just tell them he was a Tory.
All right, so he may not have been an actual card-carrying member of the Conservative Party. But in a striking number of ways, he did conform to Gen Z’s ideas of what a Tory is.
First of all, he was the privately educated son of a billionaire. Or, to put it in the language of Gen Z: bin Laden was a nepo baby.
Even more horrifying: he condemned both socialism and communism. He also condemned homosexuality, which makes him queerphobic, and “fornication”, which means that he wasn’t “sex-positive”. On top of that, he denounced prostitution, which makes him a hateful, bigoted SWERF (i.e., a Sex Worker Exclusionary Radical Feminist. Although possibly without the “radical feminist” bit).
Speaking of sex, Gen Z strongly disapproves of big age gaps in sexual relationships. So they will be appalled to learn that one of bin Laden’s five wives was 25 years younger than he was. Gen Z would consider this highly problematic. Although not as problematic as telling prospective martyrs that they would each be rewarded with 72 virgins. Talk about toxic masculinity. The virgins of paradise should start their own #MeToo.
Finally, though, we come to the most shocking fact of all. The one guaranteed to kill off any lingering admiration Gen Z may have.
Bin Laden was born in the 1950s. Which makes him a Baby Boomer.
(“A Boomer? Oh my God. That means he would almost certainly have voted for Brexit. If he’d lived in Britain. And hadn’t been shot dead by US Navy SEALs five years earlier.”)
Any time you come across some delusional young dopes singing the praises of the late al-Qaeda leader, therefore, just reel off all of the facts above. Then they’ll change their tune.
They’ll think he was almost as bad as Suella Braverman.
At last, a success for No10
In March, the Government set out its plans to get early retirees back into work. Now, eight months later, it has triumphantly unveiled its campaign’s first beneficiary.
David Cameron.
Since leaving his last full-time job in 2016 at the age of just 49, this former public sector employee had struggled to find steady work. At one point, like many in his position, he tried writing a book, but with little success. A spell in finance proved to be short-lived.
In the circumstances, it would have been easy for him to give up, and decide his working days were behind him. But thankfully, the Government intervened. What exactly it said when it first got in contact with him, I don’t know. Perhaps it suggested something simple and flexible: helping out at a branch of Oxfam, say, or driving the minibus for a local care home.
A man of his skills and experience, however, was always likely to hold out for something more challenging. Happily, it emerged that there was a sudden vacancy for the post of Foreign Secretary, which offered an acceptable salary, overseas travel, and a number of enticing perks, including chauffeur-driven car and peerage.
What a heartwarming story. Fingers crossed that other early retirees will be inspired to follow suit. With any luck, there should soon be an opening for a prime minister.
What should we do about cat Covid?
A feline form of coronavirus is spreading like wildfire through the cat population of Cyprus. Now scientists fear that the same will happen in Britain. We’d better hope not.
Just imagine trying to impose a lockdown on your cat.
As any owner will know all too well, it’s impossible to keep a cat locked up indoors against its will. It may spend 18 hours a day sleeping on your favourite armchair. But if you don’t let it out when it wants, it will simply yowl the house down until you give in.
Presumably the Government will rule that your cat can go out for “essential purposes”, e.g. to do its business in next door’s garden. But there will be many other difficult questions for SAGE to consider. Will all cats be required to crouch at least two metres apart while hissing at each other? Does a shrew count as a substantial meal? And how are you meant to fit a mask over a cat’s ears?
If the worst comes to the worst, I like to think the nation’s cats will be prepared to stay home, protect the vet and save lives. But I dread to think how they’ll react when it’s revealed that Larry the Downing Street cat has secretly been throwing wild parties in No10.
Way of the World is a twice-weekly satirical look at the headlines aiming to mock the absurdities of the modern world. It is published at 7am every Tuesday and Saturday
