I Don't Care If You Don't Know Who George Wallace Is. You're Going To Want To Read These Tweets.
Hey you! Yes, YOU! Do you know who's absolutely hilarious?
THIS GUY: George freaking Wallace...the legendary comedian, actor, and — yes — Twitter superstar!
If you follow stand-up comedy at all, you know George — he's one of the greats. But if not, you might've seen him play the mayor in Hubie Halloween or appear in The Ladykillers, Batman Forever, Punchline, Mr. Deeds, and Seinfeld. Still don't know him? Well, today is the day, folks!
George is an amazing follow on Twitter because he's constantly tweeting out hilariously silly stuff (and whatnot). OK, enough preamble. Here are 42 of his best Twitter jokes!
1.
My ass would get kicked off Top Chef right away. "We've never had someone serve us just a 5-gallon bucket of gravy before. It was a bold choice, but the challenge was to make a scone. George, please pack your knives and go."
2.
What's your favorite coat factory mine's probably Burlington
3.
It's important to remember that in real life Godzilla never fought Kong. They were contemporaries with great respect for one another and whatnot.
4.
What the hell do dogs think is happening on Halloween?
5.
What if we're the weird ones y'all, and he's just Al Yankovic? Makes ya think.
6.
Shout out to to all the chestnuts roasting on closed fires. You never hear about those and whatnot.
7.
You always hear about people dying of "natural causes". Shout out to all the folks taken out by supernatural causes. Asshole ghosts straight up yankin' on the steering wheel and whatnot.
8.
I'll straight up wear Vans in a car and listen to The Cars in a van I really don't give a shit anymore.
9.
Love the new packaging and whatnot.
10.
Shout out to Slimer from Ghostbusters, reinventing himself as the Mucinex guy and stayin' employed and whatnot.
11.
We grew up so poor we could only twist OR shout.
12.
Scientists estimate there are over 70 Wayans we haven't even discovered yet. We live in an amazing time.
13.
I'll call something a "gizmo" when it's actually a "doohickey" I really don't give a shit anymore.
14.
I will never go to a seminar. I only attend fullnars. Stop half-assing your nars, people!!!
15.
Shout out to the top 5 locks in the world, pad, zip, Mat, out of wed, and no shit Sher.
16.
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn't exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
17.
I'll straight up eat peas while wearin' a beanie and beans while wearin' a peacoat I really don't give a shit anymore.
18.
I would dump my true love's ass if they brought me four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves and a damn partridge. The hell am I gonna do with 10 live birds? If you really loved me you woulda thrown 'em in a deep fryer and whatnot.
19.
Shout out to beloved cereal mascot Toucan Sam. Six years sober today. Keep it up!
20.
Shout out to folks with long as hell names tryin' to spell that shit with a sparkler before it burns out and whatnot.
21.
Please sign my petition to rename kindergarten "grade zero". It's wrong to start kids off with that fancy German shit then say "Okay, now you're in first" and whatnot.
22.
👏STOP👏CALLING👏CRANBERRY👏SAUCE👏A👏SAUCE👏YOU👏CAN'T👏SLICE👏A👏DAMN👏SAUCE👏CRANBERRY👏SAUCE👏IS👏A👏LIE!👏
23.
I grew up so poor we could only listen to Kool or the Gang.
24.
My favorite Dolph is probably Lundgren.
25.
My favorite envelope that's also a world capital is probably manila.
26.
You only hear about fighter jets. Shout out to all the lover jets out there, havin' tender intimate relations instead of blowin' shit up and whatnot.
27.
Shout out to nooks. Crannies can go to hell!
28.
We grew up so poor we could only commit high crimes OR misdemeanors.
29.
Hey secret police, if you EVER kidnap me and throw me in a rental van I will shit so bad inside that van. I hope your unconstitutional asses are ready to pay $1,700 to get my grown man feces outta that Chrysler Pacifica and whatnot.
30.
Shout out to the top 5 andas in the world, ver, propag, Wak, Lin Manuel Mir and Kung Fu P.
31.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? 'Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin' them currrrrves.
32.
I heard a demo of TLC's "Waterfalls" a week before the song came out. I bought stock in the rivers and the lakes we're used to, and I made $1,570,000. I beg your forgiveness and would appreciate privacy during this difficult time.
33.
Real talk, not enough rap songs discuss the pros and cons of high speed rail.
34.
My favorite empire that's also a piece of furniture is probably ottoman.
35.
I'll straight up eat buffalo wings in Brussels and brussels sprouts in Buffalo I really don't give a shit anymore.
36.
It's sad as hell that Milli Vanilli, Nelly and Liza Minnelli never made a super group called Milli Minnelli Vanelly
37.
Aquaman can talk to fish but he only tells them what to do. He's never like, "Seen any good movies, fish? How's your mom, fish?" Aquaman is an asshole.
38.
I hereby pardon the Hamburglar for his crimes. His name has been dragged through the mud long enough. Only now have we begun to truly understand hamburger addiction and whatnot.
39.
Just realized I never conceded when @RealCarrotTop won Best Male Comic at the 1994 American Comedy Awards. I congratulate Carrot Top and I thank those who supported me. We fought hard, but we came up short and whatnot.
40.
I'll straight up give Monster energy drink to a rockstar and Rockstar energy drink to a monster, I really don't give a shit anymore.
41.
Yo' momma's so stupid she thinks black people mattering means she doesn't.
42.And if you were thinking, He sure says 'whatnot' a lot, well, he's (of course) in on the joke:
I just paid $750,000 to have drones follow me for 6 months spelling "Whatnot" in the sky above me.
