Good advice: How to say 'no' politely to a friend in four steps
Saying “no” can be hard. Really hard. Especially since we have all been taught to seize the moment, help others, and say yes without considering the possible downsides. I understand completely. I'm a former people pleaser myself.
I've worked with psychologists on a new book, "No Will Set You Free," that helps people understand their actions and take back their life. Learning to say "no" is a good first step to making time for yourself and the things that are important to you.
Often, the most difficult people to say "no“no’s” are to friends. Here are four steps to empower you to take back control of your time.
1. Before turning down the request, start with a positive statement. This helps soften the soon to be delivered “no” and let’s your friend know you were listening carefully. For example, say an acquaintance asks you to a party or a ballgame that you really prefer not to go to. Acknowledge the offer by saying “Thank you for thinking of me, I appreciate the offer.” You can’t get more gracious than that.
2. The event you were asked to attend is on a weekend and it’s your only time to rest, catch up with your chores, spend quality time with your kids or spouse, or you want to work on a project. This is your time. You don’t need to give your friend a reason for why you are saying no. Simply say, “I’m busy that day.” If your friend is nosey, and asks what you’re doing, and you prefer not to get into details, just say, “I made a prior commitment, and I don’t break those.” They will get the message.
3. Now let’s assume that this friend asked you to a ballgame and will likely ask you to come to another at a later date. You don’t want to go through the “no” process again if you really don’t like going to sporting events. In this case you want to give a reason for your no. You should explain exactly why you prefer not to any live stadium sporting events. You may say “I’d rather watch it on TV,” or “I’m not wild about crowds,” or “My weekends are family time and going to a live stadium event takes up most of the day,” or a simple “I’m just not that into watching sports in a stadium.” Whatever your reason, you are giving it because you simply don’t enjoy being a spectator at a live sporting event, and you don’t want to be asked again.
4. If on the other hand, you are open to a future invitation. Let that be known with a simple “I’ll take a rain check as I’d like to go another time.” Or maybe its December and it’s an outdoor football game you are being asked to attend. Your answer can be quite specific: “I just get too cold sitting in the stands this time of year, but I’d be happy to go next year in September or October.”
The range of answers depends on you. But the bottom line is you are politely, but firmly, taking back control of your time. If your friend doesn’t understand, that is not your concern. This does not mean you are selfish. If that same friend called and said “I’m going through a difficult time and I need someone to talk to,” your personal plans should take a back seat to their need. However if this same person makes a habit out of having crisis after crisis, that’s when to gently guide them to professional help. You can’t give up all your weekends trying to counsel someone who needs wiser guidance than you are qualified to give. Remember, in this brief life, all we have is time. And free time is at a premium, so spend it wisely. You can show love and concern for a friend, give some of your time, but don’t exhaust yourself out of a sense of duty or it might be you who is in crisis!
Michael Tougias is a New York Times bestselling author of 30 books for adults and eight for middle readers. "No Will Set You Free" is his newest book. To learn more visit www.michaeltougias.com.
This article originally appeared on MetroWest Daily News: How to say no politely and without hurting others' feelings
