A GOP guide to watching Biden’s State of the Union: Clapping prohibited, deny all facts

If you’re a Republican preparing to watch President Joe Biden’s State of the Union address Tuesday night, you’re probably asking yourself questions like, “When can I start booing?”, “What’s the minimum number of times I should shout, ‘Let’s Go Brandon’?” and “Can I die from rolling my eyes too many times?”

Those are all terrible questions, but because I’m a generous soul, I’ve put together advice that should help my conservative friends navigate Biden’s speech. It draws on four years of experience watching President Donald Trump’s State of the Union addresses, during which I yelled so loudly a nearby water main broke and I forehead-slapped myself unconscious 27 times.

A seven-step guide for Republicans

So here are my Seven Scintillating Steps for Maximizing Your Hatred of Joe Biden’s First State of the Union Address:

1. Make sure you boo when Biden is introduced. That is your First Amendment right, and anyone saying you shouldn’t boo is trying to cancel you. If a family member says you shouldn’t boo the president, that family member is likely a socialist and you should run out of the house as quickly as possible so you don’t catch empathy.

2. You should also boo when Biden gets behind the podium, when he opens his mouth and any time air moves past his vocal cords making vibrations that produce sound. The only time you should not boo is if he falls down or announces he is immediately resigning and handing the presidency back to Trump.

Columnist Rex Huppke: Knock off the ugly partisanship as Ukraine hangs in the balance. We all deserve better.

3. Clapping is strictly prohibited, except in the instance of the aforementioned falling or resigning. Any Republican lawmaker caught clapping will face a primary challenger in the next election, likely from highly qualified local school board member who routinely compares vaccine mandates to Nazi Germany.

Don't look at Pelosi!

4. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi will be seated behind Biden during the address. It is crucial you avoid looking at her, as there have been reliable reports on the internet that she will be blinking subliminal lessons on critical race theory throughout the president’s speech. To be safe, keep your children away throughout the evening, lest they start thinking racism still exists.

5. Forget all the specifics of events that occurred between Jan. 20, 2017, and Jan. 20, 2021, and assume everything in that span of time was perfect and magical. Next, remind yourself that all events from Jan. 21, 2021, to the present day have been earth-scorchingly horrible, your kids are now educated by communists, freedom of speech has been outlawed, librarians are the enemy and you can no longer go to church because Vice President Kamala Harris killed God by existing.

State of the Union: Biden is showing fire and resolve on Ukraine. America needs that, too.

6. DON’T BE FOOLED BY POSITIVE FACTS. Biden will tell you things his administration has accomplished in its first year and you must knock those accomplishments down swiftly and forcefully. If you acknowledge even one positive thing, former President Trump will know you did it and he’ll send either Eric Trump or Jared Kushner to your house to confiscate your “Make America Great Again” hat (unless you pay a fine of $50 and, if it’s Eric, a lollipop).

So let’s practice fending off facts.

If Biden says: “Under my administration, we have created more than 6 million jobs.”

You say: “Why wasn’t it eleventy billion, which is the number created by Donald Trump, you loser?!?”

If Biden says: “We passed a bipartisan infrastructure bill that’s going to fix 65,000 miles of roads and 1,500 bridges, creating jobs in the process.”

You say: “Whatever, BRANDON, I don’t believe in bridges. And besides, every week was Infrastructure Week under Trump, AND he built a big, beautiful wall that was totally finished and paid for by Mexico. I know because I donated money to Steve Bannon’s ‘We Build The Wall’ campaign, and I’ve never known that guy to be anything but honest.”

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If Biden says: “We admittedly did a terrible job with the U.S. troop withdrawal from Afghanistan.”

You say: “THAT’S A LIE, YOU DID A … oh, wait. Yeah, that’s right.” (This would be another exception to the no-clapping rule.)

White noise can fend off 'wokeness'

7. Prior to the broadcast, make sure you have an anti-wokeness white-noise player near your television to filter out inclusive language you might find offensive. Acceptable forms of white noise include: a looped recording of Trump saying, “WRONG!”; any podcast featuring Republican Reps. Matt Gaetz or Jim Jordan; a recording of you explaining how Big Tech is censoring conservative views to your liberal son who is a junior at Vassar College; or your children reading Facebook comments relating to your city council’s most recent meeting on mask mandates.

Enjoy the evening, and let me know if you need to borrow my “Liberal Tears” mug.

Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on Twitter @RexHuppke and Facebook: facebook.com/RexIsAJerk/

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This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Biden's State of the Union: A Republican viewer guide watching