Government says UFOs shot down were not space invaders. But how could we tell in Florida?

Frank Cerabino, Palm Beach Post
·3 min read
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The government told us that objects shot out of the sky recently were not aliens from outer space. But do we really believe them?
The government told us that objects shot out of the sky recently were not aliens from outer space. But do we really believe them?

If you’ve been following the news lately, you may be wondering whether we’re experiencing an unexpected invasion of space aliens.

Three unidentified flying objects were shot out of the sky by U.S. military jets this month, leading the White House to address whether we’re dealing with space visitors.

“I know there have been questions and concerns about this, but there is no, again no, indication of aliens or extraterrestrial activity with these recent takedowns,” White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre said at a press briefing.

Cue the creepy movie soundtrack.

“Wanted to make sure that the American people knew that, all of you knew that, and it was important for us to say from here because we’ve been hearing a lot about it,” Jean-Pierre continued.

Yeah, right. Why am I not convinced?

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Getting a delegation to talk to the aliens

I’m guessing that if we were being invaded by space travelers, it would take our government quite a while to admit it. First, we’d have to assemble a delegation of our best and brightest, which could take a while considering the likelihood of involuntary probing that may be involved.

They’d have to find out what the aliens were up to and whether Rihanna’s Super Bowl halftime show triggered them.

Did Rihanna's performance at halftime of last week's Super Bowl trigger an alien invasion? Maybe not ... but, maybe?
Did Rihanna's performance at halftime of last week's Super Bowl trigger an alien invasion? Maybe not ... but, maybe?

Were they offended or entertained? Are they MAGAliens or Spacial Justice Warriors? Are they here for ongoing business deals with either Hunter Biden or Jared Kushner?

For all we know, those three airborne shoot-downs that were disclosed may be just a fraction of the visitation force that successfully landed, and may, as we speak, be blending in at our Waffle Houses. An alien invasion would also explain the terrible traffic on Interstate 95 lately. And with snowbird/tourist season in full swing here in South Florida, it would be easy to miss them in the crowds.

For all we know, they may just be coming to West Palm Beach to catch spring training for the Astros. Or to collect one of their own, U.S. Sen. Rick Scott, who has been trying to pass for human for far too long.

Have aliens descended on Palm Beach County to claim one of their own? Like Senator Rick Scott?
Have aliens descended on Palm Beach County to claim one of their own? Like Senator Rick Scott?

If we’re not careful, we’ll wake up one day soon to find all the Tang gone from Publix shelves and a foreign language widely being spoken that’s not Spanish. So, as a full-service columnist, I’m calling out for vigilance and for recognizing the telltale signs that space aliens have invaded Florida and are mingling among us.

The telltale signs that aliens are already here in Florida:

● There are suddenly lots of cars showing up at the drive-thru lines at Chick-fil-A on Sundays.

● Laser hair removal turns fatal.

● An outbreak of green tide hits Gulf Coast beaches.

● Suddenly, there are lots of small, wrinkly beings who don’t know how to play pickleball.

● Property values double in Jupiter.

● The Florida Department of Education bans the teaching of astronomy.

● Donald Trump pumps up membership at Mar-a-Lago, while saying, “There are many fine people on both sides of the Milky Way.”

● A big drop in wheelchairs requested at the gates of Palm Beach International Airport.

● Florida lawmakers slip in the words “ray guns” to language of new permissive firearms legislation.

● Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis eliminates sales tax on fusion-powered ovens.

● Your Uber driver says he used to manage a whole planet.

● Big increase in population with no increase in Florida Lottery ticket sales (proof of an infiltration by an intellectually superior life form.)

● Brightline crashes at intersections averted by what bystanders refer to as “levitating cars.”

● Your new neighbor doesn’t talk about his former life in New York.

Frank Cerabino is a columnist at The Palm Beach Post, part of the USA TODAY Florida Network. You can reach him at fcerabino@gannett.com. Help support our journalism. Subscribe today.

This article originally appeared on Palm Beach Post: The government said objects shot down were not space aliens.