If the National Enquirer is to be believed (idk!), Jeff Bezos sent some pretty gnarly sexts to news anchor Lauren Sanchez. And by "gnarly," we mean so boring and bad. Jeff Bezos might be good at shaving his head and collecting an enormous amount of your personal data, but he is bad at sexting.
Perhaps the worst line in these alleged sexts is Bezos referring to Sanchez as "alive girl." "I love you, alive girl," he reportedly wrote. "I will show you with my body, and my lips and my eyes, very soon.”
There are loads of questions to be asked here, but it's hard to focus on anything but the word "alive." Why did Jeff B need to specify Sanchez was alive? Was it an autocorrect error, or is he really that inept? MacKenzie, get your money!
As New York Magazine points out, it's worth noting that the National Enquirer, a tabloid, is a longtime Trump ally, and Bezos is a longtime Trump nemesis. Did this factor into their coverage? Probably. Keep this in mind when you scream "I love you, alive girl!" at your friends this weekend.
But horny drama coupled with schadenfreude is still one of the internet's favorite things, so the memes about this are pretty good.
Jeff Bezos sexts like he's an AI in a human suit pic.twitter.com/UjfOQv0UZk
— Dana Schwartz (@DanaSchwartzzz) January 10, 2019
which version is worse though:
i love you, ALIVE GIRL
i love you ALIVE, girl
i love you, a LIVE GIRL
— Sarah Emerson (@SarahNEmerson) January 10, 2019
“i love you, alive girl” is basically a neutral milk hotel lyric
— Dyl B (@dylanballiett) January 10, 2019
just got a sext from jeff bezos reading: "i'll be over soon with my eyes, nose, mouth, head, body, legs, neck, ears, fingers and of course blood. xx"
fuckin hot SHIT!!!
— john (@johnsemley3000) January 10, 2019
released some sexts in solidarity with Jeff Bezos
— 🕳⚰️💨 (@a_alesy) January 10, 2019