Grief and the holidays: Finding ways to cope after losing a loved one

The holidays for many are typically a time of joy, getting together with loved ones and celebrating the season of merriment.

However, for some, the holidays can be a difficult time. After losing a loved one, the season can bring up feelings of loneliness, grief and even anger.

This year, because of the COVID-19 pandemic and the uptick in suicides and homicides across the United States, many might be celebrating the holidays for the first time without a loved one.

"There's no right or wrong way to grieve and there's no orderly stages of grief," said Jennifer Goodwin, director at the McClean Fletcher Center, which offers free grief counseling for children ages 4-18.

The same can be said about how to celebrate the holidays after a loved one dies.

Some families may carry on traditions a family member loved like cooking their favorite meal. Others may feel the need to visit the cemetery where there they are buried to be closer to them, or light a candle at home in their honor.

For others, the best method for coping could be starting new traditions to commemorate their loved one, Goodwin said.

She recalled how one mother couldn't bear setting up a Christmas tree inside her home for her first holiday after losing someone special. Instead, she set one up outside and invited neighbors to come hang an ornament for someone they lost.

It's been a tradition she's carried on since, Goodwin said.

For Elmira Gayten, she started a tradition two years after her son's death.

On Christmas Eve in 2015, her 22-year-old son, Julian Gayten, was killed in Brookhaven after a 17-year-old and a woman set him up to be robbed.

The Dallas-based mother decided she needed to do something to stop herself from being lost in the grief.

“It’s tough, I mean I’ve been having some rough days when the holidays are here,” Gayten said. “It’s challenging, but I must go on because I want to do this in honor of my son. I want to give and love regardless of what my heart feels like.”

Remembering her son’s kind heart and her own drive to help others, Gayten came up with the idea of a blanket drive for the homeless.

Each year, Heart of Hearts Outreach collects the blankets during the holidays and during the week of Christmas, Gayten delivers the blankets to those in need. The operation has since grown to include another group in Georgia.

“He would have loved the idea of me doing blanket drives for the homeless,” Gayten said. “It keeps someone warm. Because he would have given someone the shirt off of his back.”

In addition to the blanket drive, Gayten also started a tradition of lighting candles for her son and other loved ones she’s lost, so they are always remembered.

Giving support, love to those grieving during the holidays

As with life, grief is a journey everyone goes through individually, Goodwin said, and it's important people be kind to each other during the holidays and give everyone space to go through their emotions.

"We're all going to have hard days," Goodwin said. "Sometimes it's going to be mom that has a hard day or dad that has a hard day. Sometimes it's going to be us as a kid that has a hard day and we have to kind of rally around that person when they're having that difficult time and give them the time to process what they're feeling that day."

Goodwin advised individuals to find a good support system and create an open line of communication, especially with children, which allows them to talk through their feelings. Sometimes having a conversation with children about how they'd like to remember their loved one helps in their grieving process, she added.

If an individual doesn't have a support system at home, Goodwin said they might want to look at church groups or other resources like the McClean Fletcher Center or The Compassionate Friends, an organization that helps families cope when a child has died.

The Jackson chapter meets on the second Tuesday of each month at 7 p.m. at the Fondren Presbyterian Church, according to the chapter's website.

Goodwin added that the best option is to make sure to take the time to go through the grief so that emotions don't come out in negative outbursts.

"It's OK for them to take the time to feel those feelings and process those things," she said. "What's not healthy is to keep those emotions stuffed inside of us."

This year as with past, Gayten plans to travel from her home in Dallas to the cemetery in Brookhaven where her son is buried to be close to him as the holidays approach.

"My advice to others who may have, you know, children who have lost a sibling or a mother lost a child, just know that, God promised, He makes a promise that we will see our loved ones again," Gayten said. "That is what I hold on to."

Have a news tip? Contact Gabriela Szymanowska at gszymanowska@gannett.com, on Twitter or at 601-215-4292.

This article originally appeared on Mississippi Clarion Ledger: Coping with grief over the loss of a loved one during the holidays