Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin consciously uncoupled. How do you announce a break up?
I was at a function many summers ago when a friend’s dad asked me several questions about my boyfriend. Five minutes into the conversation I realized that he was asking about my college partner that I hadn’t been with for years. He thought we were still together; I was answering questions based on my current relationship (two different conversations were happening at the same time). It was awkward. I had to stop and say, “I am sorry, are you talking about ____? We are not together anymore.” He looked shocked and genuinely disappointed. And I had to spend my evening justifying my break up to a stranger.
Have you ever had the difficult or uncomfortable task of telling someone you’re no longer in a relationship or have gotten divorced? It was somewhat easier back when all we had to do was change our Facebook status and the world was instantly notified.
How do you announce a breakup? Is there a protocol?
I wish I could give you a step-by-step of how-to-let-everyone-know-you're-single-again, but I can't. There is no “right” way to do this, just a way that works for you. However, if you're ready to tell people about your relationship ending, here are a couple of things to consider.
More: What does it mean to let go of a relationship? Tips on healing from the past, moving on.
Get everyone on the same page
Before moving forward with making an announcement or telling people, make sure that your partner understands that the relationship is, in fact, over. Your partner shouldn’t be learning about their own relationship status from others or an Instagram post.
Take a moment to process it
Before spreading the news, make sure you are in a place where you can handle it. Regardless of how supportive people may be, there will be at least one aunt or second cousin who inadvertently hurts your feelings. If nothing else, you will be bombarded with messages and questions. Check in with yourself: Are you ready for the attention, criticism, and people’s reactions? Do you understand your narrative? Have you had any time to process and grieve? What boundaries do you want to set?
More: Are we dating or just friends with benefits? Do I need to label my relationship?
Plan who needs to know first
Maybe you want to tell your family and close friends before you make it public. If you have kids, chances are, they should be among the first to know. Or, maybe, you don’t want to bother with making it “official,” and will start telling people casually when Christmas parties, weddings or graduation invitations come rolling in and you start to RSVP alone.
Approach this as a team
Depending on how the relationship ended, it might be worth discussing with your now ex-partner how both of you would like to go about telling people and when. Sometimes making joint “statements” or having a script can be helpful. You don't have to be a celebrity to create a statement. Here is an example:
“After much effort and consideration, ____ and I have decided to end our relationship. At this time we are both grieving and would like to ask for privacy.”
Or:
“Relationships can be difficult. And, despite our best efforts, we have decided that this is no longer a relationship that works for either one of us. Just because the relationship ended we are not interested in either party being labelled as a "good" or a "bad" guy. Please treat both of us with kindness and respect.”
If you have kids, your statement may become a bit longer – including a line such as:
“Although we are no longer married, we are dedicated to raising our children as a united and loving front. Please refrain from writing public comments.”
Be mindful with your message
If this is a process you have to do alone, stay mindful. Perhaps announcing your new relationship status hours after the split by posting a picture of you dancing with an attractive stranger may not help, nor give the respect the situation deserves. But hiding it for too long can inevitably come with its own set of challenges and confusion.
You can choose to change your last name back and see who notices. You can refrain from posting about your ex on social media, as a way to signal they are no longer part of your life. But, if you are about to make an announcement, keep in mind that you don't need to divulge a lot of personal information, that the public does not deserve your vulnerability, and that you don't have to share the nitty-gritty of the break-up or divorce.
Words matter – a lot. If you are going to make an announcement, choose them wisely. They will not just impact you and your ex-partner, but everyone who cares about the two of you (and your kids).
Sara Kuburic is a therapist who specializes in identity, relationships and moral trauma. Every week she shares her advice with our readers. Find her on Instagram @millennial.therapist. She can be reached at SKuburic@gannett.com.
This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: What's the best way to tell people your relationship is over?
