Halloween ’22 is tainted by the Candy Corn Curse | Sam Venable
HALLOWEEN TALES
First of two parts
I hate to put a damper on your Halloween festivities.
I know the air is crisp, the leaves are gorgeous, truckloads of jack-o’-lanterns have been carved, and the kiddies have narrowed their costume choices down to a mere dozen.
Nonetheless, duty calls. I’m not going to sugar-coat the ugly truth.
Candy corn has gone straight to hell this year. We all need to pray fervently that the C.C. Curse of 2022 is never visited upon Halloweens in the future.
First is emergency news: A company in New England has issued a c.c. recall.
Seems that Arcade Snacks of Auburn, Massachusetts, inadvertently filled some 15-ounce bags with c.c. that possibly contained traces of eggs. For people with an egg allergy, this is big-time serious. It could prove fatal.
Happily, no illnesses have been reported; the recall is one of those “just-in-case” situations. What’s more, the affected shipments went to stores in Massachusetts and Connecticut. So unless you, or folks you know, have recently traveled Up Yonder on a sweet-tooth quest, there’s probably nothing to worry about.
Candy corn:The Halloween candy that divides a nation. Its original name? 'Chicken feed'
A second c.c. crisis doesn’t involve the potential for illness or death. But it is distasteful nonetheless.
I speak of five disgusting new flavors now available for purchase.
This heresy comes from Brach’s, a c.c. superpower that should know better than mess with success. It’s being marketed as a “tailgate” mixture: fruit punch, vanilla ice cream, hot dog, hamburger and popcorn.
I enjoy fruit punch, vanilla ice cream, hot dogs, hamburgers and popcorn in their original form. I also enjoy virgin c.c. in its undefiled innocence. There’s no need to introduce one to another.
However, in the name of culinary research, I plunked down money for a bag of this nonsense and gave it a taste test.
Blech! Patui!
I don’t know what dolt at Brach’s concocted this offal, but it’s obvious he/she has never attended an All-Amurikan, deviled-egg, chip-and-dip, alcohol-infused, processed-meat tailgate soiree.
The only flavors even remotely recognizable were vanilla ice cream and popcorn.
The other three tasted like what I imagine would result if a hot dog and a hamburger were marinated overnight in fruit punch, then entombed in a Rubik’s Cube and immolated for 20 minutes over a charcoal fire heavily laced with lighter fluid.
The entire experience was so vile, I had to wolf down half a bag of Brach’s tried-and-true, orange-and-yellow, tooth-rotting c.c. just to cleanse my palate.
NEXT SUNDAY: Scary scenes from Mother Nature.
Sam Venable’s column appears every Sunday. Contact him at sam.venable@outlook.com.
This article originally appeared on Knoxville News Sentinel: Sam Venable: Halloween ’22 is tainted by the Candy Corn Curse
