Halloween's over. Merry Christmas, people.

Rex Huppke, USA TODAY
·3 min read

Halloween is over. Merry Christmas!

That’s right, people, it’s Nov. 1 and that means we are in the fast lane of the Holiday Highway. DECK! THOSE! HALLS!

If you aren’t already neck-deep in tinsel and heave-ho-ho-ho-ing your 12-foot-tall outdoor Halloween skeletons into the garage and replacing them with 15-foot-tall inflatable snowmen, I have to ask: WHAT IS YOUR YULETIDE PROBLEM?!? IT’S CHRISTMASTIME, YOU (EXPLETIVE)! GET OFF YOUR (EXPLETIVE) AND GET WITH THE PROGRAM!

(If you don’t celebrate Christmas, I apologize for the yelling. Don’t worry, you’ll only have to put up with about 1,500 more hours of this over the next two months.)

A Charlie Brown Christmas
A Charlie Brown Christmas

It's Nov. 1. Why have you not started decorating for Christmas yet?

Back to you, you lackadaisical Christmas revelers. The clock is ticking. Have you wrapped a single present? Have you given a thought to what kind of infrastructure repairs your Christmas village might need this year? (WHAT IF THAT BRIDGE COLLAPSES!!)

The pumpkins should be in the compost bin, the costumes should be in the attic and things should be getting gosh-darn festive in your home ASAP. What do you think this is, late October?

Facts are facts, sort of: Does candy corn kill 500,000 Americans each Halloween? Yes, according to a thing I read.

Why can’t you be more like the good holiday capitalists at department and home-improvement stores? They’ve had Christmas decorations up since August, as Santa Claus intended. But here you are, day after Halloween, and there’s not so much as a whiff of a pine-scented candle.

GET YOUR ACT TOGETHER, THERE ARE FEWER THAN 60 DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS AND THE HOLIDAY ISN’T GOING TO CELEBRATE ITSELF!

A woman takes photos of artificial Christmas trees while shopping in Seattle.
A woman takes photos of artificial Christmas trees while shopping in Seattle.

You're waiting until Thanksgiving to decorate for Christmas? Oh, c'mon!

I can already hear the procrastinating whiners out there. “Ohhhh, but wait, we haven’t even eaten our Halloween candy yet.”

FOR THE LOVE OF MARIAH CAREY, PUT THAT CANDY IN A POT, MELT IT DOWN, POUR IT OVER SOME CRISPIX THEN SPRINKLE IT WITH CRUMBLED-UP PEPPERMINT CANDY, YOU INGRATES!

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And then there’s this pathetic chestnut: “Christmas decorations? It’s not even Thanksgiving yet.”

Puh-lease. Is that the best you’ve got to excuse your twinkling-light-free yard? Everybody knows Thanksgiving is a “speed-bump holiday” en route to Christmas. It’s nothing more than refueling stop for people who’ve spent weeks perfecting the animatronic flying Rudolph that descends from the roof of the house to the elaborate Christmas-penguin igloo below. Duh.

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Get your act together, Christmas people. What are you waiting for?

Quit making excuses. Sweep whatever indoor Halloween decor you might have into a giant garbage bag and FA-LA-LA-LA fling it into the garage. It’s Christmas, baby.

I want elves on shelves, carols blaring out of speakers and enough tiny LEDs to burn an elf’s retina. ’Tis the season, you lazy oafs. Get it in gear.

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This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Holidays are here! Christmas decorating must start day after Halloween