What is 'hardballing'? How to 'date with intention'
Finding love in the pandemic can feel hopeless, especially for those who find themselves settling for fleeting, unsatisfying romances. That's why relationship experts are recommending a dating strategy to take charge of your love life: hardballing.
Hardballing, also called "dating with intention," encourages people to be upfront about their romantic goals from the very first interaction. If you're looking for a serious relationship, say it on the first date. If you're not looking to have kids, express that early on. The point is to be straightforward.
"Most of us are afraid to be honest about what we want," says Susan Winter, a relationship expert and author of "Breakup Triage." "Oftentimes, people want a serious, long-term relationship or marriage, but don't want to sound needy or desperate."
Experts say hardballing can help singles find the right relationship without wasting time. But how do you do it without "scaring" someone away?
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'Hardballing': How does it work?
Hardballing emphasizes the importance of being honest about your relationship goals. Does the person you're going out with see marriage in the future? Do they prefer an open relationship?
These are heavy subjects for a first date, but it's helpful to be assertive about your relationship needs. It saves time, creates clarity and eliminates vagueness.
"(The pandemic) made many realize it's about quality over quantity, and if you want higher quality partners, you need to be straightforward about what you're looking for," says Kristen Thomas, a certified sex coach and clinical sexologist.
While it may seem like an intimidating approach, relationship experts say it's productive; when people hide their truths, it can lead to situationships, friends with benefits and other unsatisfying relationships.
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"When we're unclear about our goals and say, 'Oh, let's just let it flow,' the relationship goes in a circular motion on a ride to nowhere," Winter says. "So for a great number of people, permission to be honest and direct would be a massive relief."
But there's a difference between dating with intentionality and being too demanding, and it's important to consider your partners' wants as well.
"None of us have the right to walk into a new dating environment and say, 'I need this and that, and you need to give it to me,'" Winter explains. "But you do have the right to say what you'd like to experience."
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For those looking to try hardballing, Winter and Thomas offered tips on how to do it while being considerate.
Organize your must-haves and deal breakers for relationships: Many people, especially women, are concerned about saying they want marriage and children upfront because they're afraid they'll "scare" potential partners away. "But if your partner doesn't want what you want, you're wasting your time," Winter says.
Don't interrogate your partner: Approaching a date like an interview can be awkward, uncomfortable and unnatural, Thomas says.
Let your date tell a story: You don't have to ask the person across from you about their five-year plan, but experts suggest asking what life they see themselves having – and comparing it to your own goals.
Be true to who you are: It's important to compromise, but don't feel pressured to change to fit your partner's goals. "I promise you, there's a lid for every pot," Winter says.
Ideally, "by date four or five, you should be able to know if you're on the same page about children or finances or marriage," Thomas says. "It's good to date with the intent of getting what you want and deserve, because there are plenty of people who will want the same things."
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This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: 'Hardballing': Viral dating trend experts swear by. What is it?
