I Hate Watching My Smart, Articulate Friends Transform Into “Mommy” and “Daddy”

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group.

Dear Care and Feeding,

I don’t have kids but a number of my peers now have babies and toddlers, which means I’ve heard an awful lot of my smart, articulate friends talking about themselves in the third person, like Elmo. I understand why toddlers do this in their language acquisition journey (pronouns are hard!), but why on earth do my friends say, “Mommy loves you,” and, “Mommy needs you to not touch that,” when they are “Mommy”? Basically, is too much time with a toddler scrambling their brains and I’m within my rights to roll my eyes, or is there a real cognitive reason why my friends speak this way to their kids?

—Friend is Confused

Dear Friend,

You know, I never thought to wonder about this until I got your letter. I did it too, lo these many years ago (“It’s OK, Mama’s here,” when my baby was crying, and, “Do you want Mama’s help, or do you want to do this yourself?” when she was a toddler trying to manage some new task), and I have never once thought about it—not then, and not in all the years since. So thank you! I am always glad when I am nudged to think about something I’d been taking for granted.

But I’ll admit that at first I was ashamed of myself: How could I not have wondered about this? I’m a language and grammar enthusiast/obsessive! (I felt better after I asked a grammarian I know, Mignon Fogarty, if she could explain it and learned that she had never thought about it either! She did direct me to a closely related topic, however, on her website: the use in general of the third person when referring to oneself—it’s a fun read). But then I dug around into the work of those who study language acquisition and although I couldn’t find a single formal study (even linguists seem to be doing it without thinking about it!), what I’ve concluded after a deep dive is that there does seem to be a good reason we speak that way to our very young children. Instinctively, we know that pronouns can be confusing to kids until they’re 2 or 3 years old—it’s why so many of them refer to themselves in the third person while they’re trying to grasp the rules of grammar—and so, without even pausing to think about it, we often speak of ourselves by name (and let’s face it: Mama was my name, as far as my daughter was concerned), not by a personal pronoun, since names and other stable nouns are much easier to grasp. So when a parent says “Daddy loves you” instead of “I love you,” or “Mommy will get you a cheese stick, OK?” instead of the using the grammatical construction they’d use when talking to another adult (“I’ll get you another glass of wine”), it’s not a sign of scrambled brains but in fact a smart, entirely intuitive move on our parts. Yay for us.

I hope this makes you feel more forgiving. (And if you spend a lot of time around your friends’ babies and toddlers, you might give third person a shot too. I just realized my best baby friends, Charlie and Spencer, have never heard me use “I” to refer to myself! I’m Auntie Michelle.)

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Dear Care and Feeding,

Another Halloween has come and gone, and I just want to ask what is it with those parents who get into costume and put their babies in costume and go door to door collecting candy? We all know who’s going to eat that candy. And the kids—babies, young toddlers, definitely kids who are too young to say “trick or treat”—don’t know WTF is going on. What is wrong with their parents?

—No Grinch, but Jeez

Dear Jeez,

Eh, à chacun son goût (as I learned in seventh grade French and still, always, find myself thinking when people do something, or like something, that I wouldn’t or don’t). If it makes them happy, why do you care? Drop a single piece of candy in their plastic pumpkin—what’s it to you? My best guess is that they’re excited about being parents (I don’t blame them!) and can’t wait to introduce this fun holiday to their kids, even though they know perfectly well that the kids have no idea what’s happening or why—and that they’re even more excited to parade their adorable child around the neighborhood, but they kind of need the excuse of candy-collection to do it. And that it was fun for them to figure out costumes and dress themselves up, because, let’s be honest: Halloween has become a huge holiday for adults—something that I’ll confess puzzles me a bit, since this certainly wasn’t the case when I was growing up, but which I’ve grown accustomed to and even, occasionally, have participated in (when I happened to be teaching on October 31, a few years ago, I dressed as Mary Poppins for the day and it was very much appreciated by all, including me). And maybe even more fun when they worked out a full-family group costume. My dear friends Kelley and Aleks, the mothers of Spencer, came by my house on Tuesday night with baby Spencer in a pumpkin suit, in Aleks’s arms and snuggled in a farmers’ market tote bag, Kelley as a proud local market shopper in her Clintonville Farmers’ Market tee shirt, and Aleks in overalls as the pumpkin farmer. They weren’t collecting candy (though Aleks agreeably took one from my bowl and ate it then and there)—they were joyfully strolling, in our neighborhood that doesn’t require excuses for such behavior. Seeing them filled me with joy, too.

Maybe, next year, try just enjoying seeing people in costume having fun. Lighten up, be kind, be generous, say, “What a cute little bumblebee/bunny/banana/Batman!” You’ll live longer if you don’t spend your energy being judgy.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

We legally adopted my son’s best friend during the pandemic after his biological family kicked him out. He has been in our lives since the boys were in middle school (they are 20 now). We knew the situation at home was bad and had told him he’d always have a home with us if he needed it. When he needed it, it was a no-brainer to formally, legally, and intentionally bring him into our family. Unfortunately, he also brought a LOT of trauma with him. His trauma narrative takes about two hours to tell, so I’ll just focus on the issue we’re dealing with right now. He’s struggling to adult. He shows no motivation to take the next step in life. He’s had two jobs since high school graduation (which we managed to get him, and get him to take, by the skin of our teeth). The jobs each lasted three or four months. He spends most of his time—literally, days—holed up in his room, in the dark, playing video games or sleeping. We know he’s depressed and he has been prescribed antidepressants, which he assures me he takes every day. He’s been in therapy for three years—ever since he came to live with us—to deal with his PTSD, anxiety, and depression. But he can’t seem to move forward, and we are at a loss as to how to help him. We have implemented weekly check-ins, where we work with him set a to-do list for the week, but nothing gets done. We help him problem-solve when he expresses interest in something (apprenticing in a trade, e.g.) but doesn’t know where or how to start. I have sat with him and modeled how to set up doctor’s appointments by calling first and then having him make the next call. Nothing I’ve done has done any good.

He’s passionate about basketball, and yet when I suggest getting certified as a ref or coaching a rec team, he makes excuses about why he can’t. Believe me when I say we understand the underlying issue is the trauma and rejection he faced from his bio family, plus a lifetime of a stepfather who didn’t work and relied on his wife’s minimum wage job to support the family. We’ve only had him for three years, so we’re fighting 17 years of abuse and neglect. We just want him to have a beautiful life. He is the sweetest, kindest, most gentle boy, and we love him madly. How do we, as his parents, encourage him to become excited about life and the opportunities he has to succeed? We’re willing to give him all the time in the world, but how do we get him to make a start?

—Anxious Adopted Mom

Dear Anxious Mom,

I think you probably saved this young man’s life—you did good, Mom!—and your intentions now could not be better. But it’s time to take a breath and stand back a bit from your expectations, though I know this is hard. Your adopted son may be 20 years old chronologically, but given the 17 years that preceded the (mere!) three since he was part of a loving, supportive family, he is nowhere near adulthood. So for starters, you’ll need to make a concerted effort to decouple your sense of where he “should be” now from your sense of where his best friend (your other son) is, presumably. (I can tell you’re trying. But you’ll need to try even harder.)

The toll his upbringing has taken on him is enormous. This cannot be undone. But he can be helped, and I don’t believe that help will come in the forms you’ve tried so far. To-do lists, goal-setting, demonstrations of adult behavior, and so on are not touching the underlying issues, and it is impossible to yank someone from a depression by getting them a job or suggesting possible career paths. He is simply too depressed—too traumatized—to be productive. Nothing you’ve been doing has stuck because—despite your good intentions, your hopes for him, your good example, your love—he is stuck. He is in a lot of pain. He’s not “making excuses” about why he can’t do the things you suggest he do: He’s telling you, in his own way, that he can’t do them. Does he know why? Maybe—even probably—not.

I know you’ve said he’s been in therapy for three years. I am pretty sure it’s time to switch up therapists (or, if he has a strong connection with the current therapist, add a second one). You don’t mention what sort of therapy he’s been in, but changing tacks, I’m guessing (or, as I say, adding a new one), is going to be helpful too. If he’s been in traditional talk therapy for three years, you might want to look for someone with expertise in EMDR, which has been particularly effective in treating PTSD. If he’s been in cognitive behavior therapy without much progress in three years (which, in the world of CBT, is a very long time), a switch to more traditional psychodynamic therapy might be in order—perhaps in conjunction with EMDR. Or he might benefit from creative arts therapy such as drama, dance/movement, or music therapy. Not everyone is best reached by talk alone, and not everyone can be helped by the pragmatic approach of CBT. I would also strongly suggest that his medication be revisited by a psychopharmacologist. If he is spending whole days hiding in his room, it’s not farfetched to suggest that his depression is resistant to the medication he’s currently on.

As to what you can do for him at home: I know you’ve been patient, but you’re going to have to be more patient still. Much more. It took the first 17 years of his life to build the person he is today; it’s going to take time for him to become the person he can be, the person you want him to be. Be gentle with your son. Getting him to move on and start adulting will have to wait until he’s well enough to take on the world that awaits him beyond the closed door of his dark bedroom.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My 13-year-old assigned female at birth kiddo just came out to me as transgender. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy and proud of him! But it’s hard to call someone by a new name and pronouns when they’ve been “Priya” and “she/her” for 13 years. I keep messing up, and not on purpose. (I do apologize and quickly correct myself every time.) But it’s not just the name. I have essentially lost my daughter and am only now getting to know my son. I know it’s the same person, but at the same time, it’s not. I’m still grieving my little girl—our entire dynamic has changed. And there’s one more thing.

We live in an area where gender fluidity and trans people are not very accepted. I’m worried for my kid’s safety, especially since violence against LGBTQ people has escalated. Even at home, there’s trouble, as my husband and 16-year-old daughter are more conservative than I am. They have not attacked my son’s identity in any way, but for years they have been very outspoken about their opinions and I know my son is thinking about that. Essentially, I’m struggling with how to help my kid live his best life. I feel like everything I read talks about how magical it is to have a kid transition and not about any of the hard parts. Do you have any advice for me?

—Rainbow Mom in Texas

Dear Rainbow,

Well, I wish you’d direct me to all these things you’re reading about how magical it is to have a kid come out as trans, because I’ve not encountered any of that. What I encounter, constantly, are people who are freaked out, angry, confused, disappointed, or otherwise not a bit “happy and proud”—as well as people who say they’re happy and proud but then present evidence that they’re only paying lip service to that.

Lip service is better than no service at all, I’ll give you that.

If you want to help your kid live his “best life,” here are some guidelines:

1. Your difficulty remembering to use the correct name and pronouns for your child is not his problem, it’s yours, and it’ll get easier with time, I promise. Please don’t tell him how hard it is, either—just keep working on it. I know it feels hard to you, but on the scale of things that are hard, I can also promise that he’s dealing with way more than you are.

2. Your grief over the loss of a daughter is likewise something not to talk about with your son. Talk to a therapist or a sympathetic friend, find a support group—whatever you need to do. I am not going to scold you for feeling grief (there are plenty of people who would). We feel what we feel. It’s what we do with and about our feelings that matters in a situation like this. You’ve lost a daughter, sure. But you’ve gained a son. And either way, you still have your child—which is more than a lot of parents of trans kids can say, because they drive their children away. Your relationship with your child (I’m sure you know this!) is much more important, and runs much deeper, than your relationship with either “your daughter” or “your son.” Yes, he is still the same person … and also not. This will be true as the years pass with a child who isn’t trans, too. My adult daughter is the same person she’s always been, but she is also completely different as a 30-year-old than she was as a 5-year-old or a 15-year-old or a 21-year old who’d just graduated from college. That’s how it goes when you have a child.

3. We all worry about our kids’ safety. It’s part of being a parent. You can’t fix the world, or even your neighborhood. You can try, though—and any effort you make toward educating others and standing up for your child will be deeply meaningful to him. But mostly what he needs is to know that he has your support, always. And what he definitely does not need is your worrying (so keep it to yourself) or making suggestions about how he can keep himself safe that undermine his sense of who he is. Your worrying does nothing to protect him and is something you need to work on for your own sake. Get help if you need it.

4. Finally: your own family. If they are not “attacking his identity in any way” but what troubles you is that you “know” your son is thinking about the awful things they’ve said in the past, talk to your son about this—or, rather, encourage him to talk to you about how he feels. It sounds like his conservative father and older sister are making an effort, which is more than I can say for a lot of people who’ve indulged in being “outspoken in their opinions.” Are you talking to them (privately, without your son present) about how they feel? Are they being careful what they say—or are they changing (opening up) their minds, now that someone they love has come out as trans? It wouldn’t be the first time. Keep an open dialogue with them so that you know where they are in their thinking. And be ready, always, to stand up for your son if his own family does anything to hurt him.

—Michelle

I know you’ve covered setting boundaries with family/friends in reference to the virus before, but I need some additional assistance. I’m overdue to have my first baby any minute now, and am having a hard time coping with all the requests to meet him. Everyone seems to think they are doing an excellent job quarantining, but I’ve noticed some unintentional dishonesty from loved ones. For example, a friend said, “You should come by. We work from home and get groceries delivered so we haven’t seen anyone in two months.” But when I did “come by,” it was a different story.