Go to Hell: town offers free weddings but anniversaries will be a problem

I have heard it said there’s no point in going to heaven, because all the cool people will be in hell. I now know this is probably not true – because not everyone would fit: Hell is a tiny town with a population of only 70 people in Michigan.

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It’s also a place where you can get married for free. Which sounds like a good deal, since the the popular Netflix movie Marriage Story makes marriage seem like the seventh circle of Dante’s inferno. It’s a wonder anyone still pays for the privilege.

Next week, on 29 February at 2.29pm, 29 free weddings are up for grabs for anyone who fancies getting married in Hell. It’s a leap day, so they’ll only have an anniversary every four years – but maybe the presents will be better.

Where do we sign up? There’s actually a process for that – one just needs to text the officiating reverend with their full name, address and confirmation they have secured a valid marriage license – according to the Detroit Free Press.

The Rev Yvonne Williams, who will officiate the ceremony next week, has a positive outlook on the whole affair. “When you get married in Hell, there’s nowhere for your marriage to go but up,” she says. There is, in fact, a 40% chance it will end in divorce – so I guess she hit the nail on the head.

It’s not the first time Hell has been in the news. In 2017, one-time mayor and one-time owner of Hell (more on that later) Elijah Daniel declared heterosexuality illegal in the town. Which is infuriating – feeling constantly seen and heard can be exhausting enough as it is for straight person, OK? – but also, Hell looks like a pretty fun place to live.

Daniel paid town organizers to make him the mayor of Hell in 2017; he was impeached shortly after the stunt. Which, if today’s politics is anything to go by, means nothing anyway – all hail Mayor Daniel of the town of Hell!

Daniel came back two years later and bought the town – anyone can become owner of Hell (for a limited amount of time) by going on its website and paying a fee. He renamed it Gay Hell and said only pride flags could fly there after the Trump administration banned embassies flying pride flags.

So, you might call Trump and Daniel a match made in Hell. Needless to say, I don’t expect to see the two married any time soon.

Anyway, the temperature is currently below zero in Hell, so if you’ve been thinking for a while, “Yeah, right, I’ll marry that guy, when Hell freezes over” now just might be your time.