Help! My Family Claims My Wife Is “Emasculating” Me Because of Our Non-Traditional Marriage Choice.

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Dear Prudence,

I married my partner in a quiet online ceremony during COVID. I’m a man, she’s a woman, and we had decided beforehand that I would take her last name. We had a few reasons for this decision, one of them being that her name would sound like a famous comic book character (think “Lois Lane”) if she had taken mine. We didn’t mention this except to a few friends, since it didn’t seem like big news. My family never asked, and I never thought to mention it, so they heard about it for the first time on our wedding day when the officiant announced our names. They seemed shocked but were quiet at the time.

Since then, they have raised the subject well over a hundred times. My mom actually phoned me in tears asking why I had “rejected our family name,” while my dad constantly implies that my lovely wife (whom he previously really liked) is a monstrous control freak. My mom and brother are both horrified that I didn’t “insist” our future children “carry on my name,” and when I’ve tried to remind them that we are not actually a monarchical dynasty, they switch tactics and claim that we must simply prefer my wife’s family to mine. Honestly, right now, that’s true, because her family have responded perfectly reasonably, while mine are behaving like this. I’ve taken to ending conversations with my parents and brother when they raise the issue, which has been every single conversation. My wife was very upset the last time we spoke because they shouted at her for “emasculating” me. I’m anxious that they not get a chance to yell at her again. Can you advise me on a way to firmly shut down this topic once and for all? It’s been six months now. I feel like I’ve told them repeatedly, “We’re not discussing this,” in every call, and I’m at my wits’ end. We were close before, but they seem willing to die on this hill and are actually begging me to change my name back if I won’t “reason” with my wife.

I don’t mean to make light of your situation, because it sounds absolutely demoralizing, but there’s something a little funny about the image of three adults throwing a six-months-long temper tantrum about emasculation and the innate wickedness of women and generally acting like Lancastrians who’ve just seen the Red Rose removed from their bannermen and country houses after the Battle of Northampton, all over a grown man changing his name from Derek Prince to Derek Swafford. It would be tempting (but probably counterproductive) to send them all a link to Oprah’s recent interview with Harry (last name pending) and Meghan Markle. The circumstances are unfortunate, but the road ahead is clear: There’s nothing to do but stop taking their calls entirely, I’m afraid. If they were going to listen to reason or catch themselves after the first few prematurely ended conversations, they would have done so. You’ve given them countless opportunities to behave reasonably and treat you like an adult capable of making his own decisions, and they’ve declined.

I realize this may feel painful and bewildering if you considered your relationship to be close before this, but don’t let that bewilderment confuse you into another six months of putting up with cruel nonsense. It may be out of character for them, or it may be entirely in character and you’ve simply never seen this side of them before because you never displeased them before. Protect your wife from continued harassment, and safeguard your own peace of mind by not answering their calls, deleting their voicemails, and ignoring their emails. If at some point they’re able to say, “We’re very sorry for how we’ve behaved. We won’t ever bring your name change up again, and we’d like to try to reestablish a relationship with you, if you’re open to it,” you can revisit the possibility of a conversation. But don’t settle for less. —Danny M. Lavery

From: “Help! My Family Won’t Stop Harassing Me for Taking My Wife’s Last Name.” (March 11, 2021)

Dear Prudence,

For the past two semesters, I feel like my sister has been drawn into a cult. She has been going to an evangelical church that is heavily influencing her thinking. Our family is very religious, my dad is a pastor, but this church is more intense. I’ve been slowly distancing myself from my family in general these last few years after realizing how abusive they’ve been toward me and others. While I still believe in God, I no longer share their faith system. I haven’t told them about this, but they don’t really ask about my beliefs or even seem to care. My parents treated all of us with shame and neglect, but I believe my sister received the brunt of it when I moved out. She recently told me about an eating disorder she had developed. My sister came to my mom with signs of depression and anxiety her first year in college, and my mom insisted that she needed to get more involved in her church. So she did.

Now my sister is very involved in trying to convert people on campus, and pretty much all her friendships and free time are dedicated to this cause. She doesn’t have any friends outside of the church, she doesn’t care about her classes, and she is financially invested in her church, which seems to think the number of conversions a member presides over is the mark of a good Christian. Now she’s going on an expensive summer trip with this church. The structure here seems very much like a cult. Each time I try to ask how she’s doing, she seems incredibly anxious. She’ll tell me about her latest conversion attempt and doesn’t seem able to talk about anything besides church.

She also has some growing disdain for me for distancing myself from my parents and seems to take that personally. I asked for some “space” from my parents’ endless texts and calls, and she said that family shouldn’t ask for space. She’s young, and I am worried about how impressionable she is from my parents’ abuse. I don’t want there to be distance between me and her, because I want someone near her that’s tethered to reality. What can I do to help her? How can I be there for her? Should I bring up my concerns to her?

I want you to first prioritize your own health and safety as you attempt to get distance from your dysfunctional and often-abusive family. This may sound cold, although it’s not intended to be—there’s a real limit to how much you can help your sister if her idea of family is people you’re not allowed to ask for “space” from. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t deserve help, just that you might not be able to provide her with that without sacrificing your own well-being, at which point you won’t be much help to either her or yourself. That you’d worry about your sister’s susceptibility is only natural. But you’re also quite vulnerable here, and if you’re having a difficult time even contemplating the possibility of distance between you and your sister, if the idea of not constantly serving as her “tether” to reality makes you feel as though you’re abandoning her, you might not be in the right position to act as that tether.

That doesn’t mean you can’t occasionally bring up your concerns or respectfully disagree with her. But you can’t single-handedly deprogram her from a way of thinking that’s rewarded by her entire social milieu, from her parents to her fellow parishioners to her new pastors. Try to encourage conversation about something other than church, ask open-ended questions when you see an opportunity to complicate one of her more strongly held beliefs, and focus on your own recovery from your damaging family of origin. That doesn’t mean consigning your sister to a life of evangelical zeal and untreated disordered eating, but it does mean acknowledging that she has to be willing to consider changing before any meaningful change can take place. —D.L.

From: “Help! I Think My Sister’s in a Cult.” (April 24, 2021)

Dear Prudence,

I am a 32-year-old single gay man who will be starting a doctoral program in the fall, during which I will be teaching. The university is in a conservative state but near a progressive city. As a single gay man, I use a variety of apps to find dates and companionship. I use Tinder and Hinge for dating, and Grindr and Scruff for hookups. I am a fairly sex-positive person, so I have pictures of my face on all the apps that I use. Further, none of the pictures or profiles would be things I would be embarrassed of other people—professional or otherwise—finding. As a teacher, I don’t have a problem with a student finding me on Tinder or Hinge. I set my age range well above the average college student, and if they want to giggle at their single teacher using a dating app, that’s fine.

What I am wondering about are Grinder and Scruff. Both these apps use location software and both have a pretty deserved reputation for being hookup apps. The possibility of a student opening up their app in class and seeing me on there feels odd both for the student’s ability to feel safe and focus in my class, and the potential for a student trying to mess with me. I don’t really want to spend the next four years of my life celibate, but I am going to prioritize completing my program. Do I need to delete those apps? Or become a blank/headless profile?

You say your state’s conservative but your city’s relatively progressive, and I wonder if you have any sense of what your university administration’s outlook is—do they have any relevant policies or case studies you can use to guide your choices? I mention that merely as a strategic and protective move; I agree that a single 32-year-old grad student who wants to use dating and hookup apps to meet other adults who aren’t his students isn’t doing anything wrong, and don’t want to make you feel overly responsible for a hypothetical student opening Grindr in class and then judging your presence on Grindr too. But grad students are often precariously employed, and your nervousness makes sense in that context.

If you’re comfortable keeping your Tinder and Hinge profiles up, do; you can also mention that you’re interested in both dating and hookups on those apps, if you want to try to make up for the temporary or contingent loss of Grindr and Scruff. Plenty of people are interested in casual sex on those apps, too, although the pool of possible hookups may be smaller there. You can also turn off location sharing in your general settings when you’re teaching or otherwise on campus, then only turn it back on when you’re back at home and actively looking for someone. Going (temporarily) headless might relieve some of your anxiety, too; you can always mention in your profile that you’re happy to send face pics after you’ve matched with someone. Again, that may cut down on some responses if a lot of guys are just looking to maximize convenience, but it’s not an insurmountable barrier. —D.L.

From: “Help! I Teach at a College. Do I Need to Delete My Grindr Profile?” (Feb. 22, 2021)

Dear Prudence,

I’m 27, and my mom and I grew up very close. It was often just me and her. I’ve supported myself since graduating college, and she now lives about 25 miles away. In the past few years, she has started escalating simple questions into situations she can control. For example, once I asked if she had any jumper cables she could lend me to jump my partner’s car battery. She told me she was calling a tow truck to take his car to a mechanic. She assumed the car would be unsalvageable, so she was also booking a rental.

Another time, I asked her for the title of a book she’d mentioned a while ago, and she said she was ordering a copy of it to my house. Whenever she does this, I try to calmly tell her to stop, since that’s not what I asked her for, and (in some cases, like the car) not her place. She usually doesn’t listen. Then I get flustered and end up repeating myself with less eloquence and more distress. Then she ends up crying, saying that she knows more than me, that I’m being unreasonable, and it’s “mean” to reject her help. When things cool down, I apologize, try to explain why I rejected her plans or “favors,” and ask her to please take things I ask for or about at face value. Then she just says that I’m wrong and insists on further apology and empathy for her. I don’t know how to stop this beyond never asking her for anything, even the title of a book, ever again. How do I break this pattern?

I think no longer asking your mother for things is an excellent idea, and I second the motion heartily! If you need jumper cables, text a friend or call roadside assistance yourself. If you can’t think of the name of a book she mentioned, do your best to Google whatever elements of the title you can remember, or call a local bookstore and ask for help tracking something down. That’s a much simpler approach than trying to have the same conversation for the 200th time and hoping for different results.

I don’t want to overstep myself or venture too far from the scope of your question, but it’s a little unusual that you frame the idea of not asking your mother for help regularly as something extreme and better avoided if possible, instead of a perfectly natural part of growing up. I also notice that you say that “my mom and I grew up very close,” as if the two of you were peers, instead of a parent and a child. If the “closeness” between the two of you has always been dependent on a certain deference to her feelings and giving in to her demands, it might be worth considering what other kinds of distance you might enjoy from her. —D.L.

From: “Help! My Mom Demands an Apology Every Time I Ask Her a Simple Question.” (May 8, 2021)

A few years ago, someone in my family told me about their ongoing love affair ad nauseum with another human other than their spouse. There has also been talk and some planning of divorcing their spouse. I was even asked to assist with housing, support, and care of children after the separation and divorce, if necessary.