How To Help Suicide Attempt Survivors—From Someone Who Has Been There

From Oprah Magazine

The first time I tried to take my life, I was 17 years old. No one knew. I wrote a note and made a plan, bought a bottle of pills, and ingested them en masse, swallowing two, three, and four at a time.

While I became ill, spending the next 36 hours throwing up bile and blood, I didn’t dare say why. I feigned illness, telling my mother it must be food poisoning.

She had a remedy, of course: Sit up, eat Saltines, and drink chicken broth, though I assured her that I couldn’t; motion made me queasy. So she let me—and the real issue—rest, handing me a throw blanket and plastic salad bowl. I wanted to say more. In my heart, I knew I needed to say more...but I couldn’t. Shame paralyzed me. I felt like a disappointment, failure, and fraud, and those emotions lingered for more than a decade.

It took me 10 years, more than a dozen doctors, several medications, and a second attempt on my life to truly recover. To “wake up alive.”

I am not alone. While tens of thousands of people die by suicide each year, the American Academy of Suicidology estimates a quarter million more become “suicide survivors.” This means hundreds of people “wake up” each and every day—people like Jeanine Hoff, the founder of Where Is The Sunshine, an early intervention and peer support nonprofit for mental health. And yet there are few resources, for survivors and their families. “After my hospitalization... I was handed a sheet of paper with a list of psychiatrists and therapists in my area,” Hoff tells OprahMag.com. “There was no wraparound or follow-up care provided. I became responsible for my own recovery and treatment plan, which was daunting given that I wasn't mentally or emotionally well.”

So what can you do to support someone who has made an attempt on their life? Dr. Christine Moutier, the chief medical officer for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, says the best way to help your loved one is to first help yourself. “Friends and family will likely experience a wide range of emotions about the knowledge they've just discovered. We emphasize loved ones acknowledge their own feelings, honor them, and process them," Moutier say, also suggesting therapy or counseling to deal with those emotions.

It is also imperative that you learn as much about suicide as possible. “Suicide is complex,” Moutier says. “There is not a single cause of suicide. It stems from mental health, other aspects of health, and life stressors. But even though it is multifactorial, at the end of the day, it is a health related issue."

Ahead, some tips on how best to support suicide attempt survivors—take it from someone who's been there...and made it back.

Start by telling your friend or loved one you care — and remind them you are there.

Finding the right words may seem daunting. Many struggle to support those who attempt suicide because they feel they don’t know what to say—but in this case, less is more. Start small. Say “I love you, I’m here for you, I want to help.”

Listen—without judgement, guilt, or shame.

Perhaps the best thing you can do to support your friend or family member is to listen. Just listen. Why? Because according to Dr. Courtney Cuthbertson, a community behavioral health specialist for Michigan State University and author of the resource guide “How to Support Survivors of Suicide Attempts,” listening allows your loved one to feel heard and understood. “The person may want to share their experiences, thoughts or feelings with you,” Cuthbertson writes. “Acknowledging what the person has shared can help the person to feel more connected.” However, it is imperative that you listen without bias, judgement, or shame because opening up is hard.

“I needed the courage to share my struggles,” says Joseph Penola, a suicide survivor and founder of The You Rock Foundation. “I needed someone I knew, trusted, and loved.”

Create a “safe space.”

Not all survivors will want to talk. “The details surrounding this type of health crisis are very personal,” Moutier says, and while you should “ask the survivor directly if they would like to talk about their suicide attempt, the issue should not be forced.” Instead, you should let them know you are there to support them, if and when they are ready. “Expressing unconditional love, care, and support are very important.” You should also avoid phrases that increase shame or guilt. Dr. Theresa Nguyen, LCSW and vice president of policy and programs at Mental Health America, suggests avoiding comments like “You have so much to live for."

“Although it’s common to feel your own guilt about a suicide attempt, especially if you’re a parent, you should save questions like 'What did I do to make this person try to kill themselves?’ for your spouse, friend, counselor, or another adult,” Nguyen says. “Asking your loved one this question — or others like it — will only draw attention away from them and increase feelings of shame, guilt, and isolation.”

Don't be afraid to use the word “suicide.”

One of the most prevalent mental health myths is that talking about suicide will lead to suicide. However, a 2005 study published in JAMA found there is no correlation between the conversation and the act. In fact, according to HelpGuide—a mental health nonprofit and wellness website dedicated to empowering those living with mental illness(es), and their loved ones—the opposite is true.

“You don’t give a suicidal person morbid ideas by talking about suicide,” the organization's prevention guide reads. “Bringing up the subject of suicide and discussing it openly is one of the most helpful things you can do.”

Moutier agrees. “It is important to acknowledge your loved one’s crisis and ask them directly about their suicide attempt or thoughts.”

Offer to assist with basic tasks like meals, childcare, or rides.

While talking to your loved one about their attempt can be helpful, many survivors appreciate assistance with mundane and seemingly meaningless tasks. “Although it sounds cliche, it is really important to help them with whatever they need,” says Hoff. She suggests making meals, picking up groceries, walking their dog, and/or offering a ride, childcare, or assistance paying bills. “These tasks are almost impossible for someone who is depressed or suicidal.”

Be available.

This may seem like a given, but if you offer to help your loved one, be there. Abandoning them in their time of need can exacerbate the symptoms of mental illness—symptoms like hopelessness, helplessness, isolation, and being a burden—and do more harm than good.

Nguyen also says that while talking about suicide is tough—and, for many, uncomfortable—silence is damning. “Reaching out to let the person know that you are there and want to be a source of support can help reduce the shame a person who attempted suicide feels,” Nguyen says. "Do not avoid them."

Penola adds: “I wish more people in my life were willing to be uncomfortable and ask about the warning signs I was exhibiting—and more importantly, take action once my psychological state was revealed.”

It's also imperative that you are the one to breach the subject first. “Almost all suicide prevention messaging out there tells those who are struggling to reach out,” Penola says. “But the problem is that a major part of depression paralyzes your ability to ask for the help you need. Because of this, it's essential for the people who aren't depressed be the ones to reach out. The rest of the world needs to pay attention and act when they suspect something is going on with their loved ones.”

Penola acknowledges this is a big request. “I know this is asking a lot. because most people don't know what to do or are afraid of saying the wrong thing. But the worst thing that could happen from you reaching out is so much less bad than the worst thing that could happen if you didn’t.”

If you or someone you know is having suicidal thoughts, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at (800) 273-8255, visit SuicidePreventionLifeline.org, or text “START” to 741-741 to immediately speak to a trained counselor at Crisis Text Line.

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