Her husband came out as gay. They divorced. Now, they're inspiring millions as co-parents

When her husband told her he was gay, she cried on her way to work most days for months.

Each morning, Jessica Turner climbed into her silver minivan and, through tears, talked to her friend Ann Voskamp until she got to work.

Then Turner hung up, put on her makeup in the minivan, worked at Vanderbilt University Medical Center's marketing department all day, then drove home to take care of her three young kids.

"She was holding on by a fingernail," her longtime friend Angie Smith said, "trying to maintain normalcy in the middle of the storm they were in."

Nearly five years later, Turner — now a full-time influencer and author with 144,000 Instagram followers — is divorced, best friends with her ex-husband and co-parenting in a way that has touched millions.

In November, Turner posted a video of her and the kids giving their dad, Matthew Turner — a best-selling Christian children's book author — 50 cards for his 50th birthday.

That video went viral, garnering more than 11 million views so far.

"What a testament both to him and to you," California Realtor Vanessa McCoy wrote in the video post's comments section.

"Choosing love even when it may hurt is never the wrong decision. I can’t think of a more valuable lesson for one’s kids than modeling unconditional love and acceptance and living an authentic life. ❤️"

Matthew Turner said he's awed by the flood of engagement — and by how his ex-wife's grace inspired it.

"I don’t think everybody can have this kind of relationship post divorce. But it’s awesome that we’re able to do things differently, with kindness and love and affection for each other," he said.

"Only she could have made this a reality because of her kindness and her genuinely being a good human."

Now, both parents see their kids seven days a week, and mom and dad celebrate holidays together and even take vacations together with their children.

That seemingly effortless relationship, though, took a lot of work. And the journey to get to that place involved a lot of heartache, tears and effort going from married couple to friends and co-parents.

They were so in love, 'it was gross'

The journey started in 2003 when Jessica Turner was a 20-year-old Wisconsin college student. She was about to head to Nashville to do an internship with a Christian music label.

Turner reached out through AOL Messenger to the 29-year-old editor of CCM magazine, Matthew Turner, to connect with an industry leader ahead of that internship. Her chaste message sparked a flirty back-and-forth, which led to daily phone calls — and then he asked her to join him at the Dove Awards in Nashville.

"That felt like a big deal," Jessica Turner said. "I'm going to the Christian Grammy awards!"

She was even more excited to meet Matthew Turner, and five months after that whirlwind weekend in April 2003, he flew to Madison, Wisconsin, to propose to her in her dorm room.

"Matthew and I were so in love it was gross," Jessica Turner said, laughing. "Everyone who knew us would tell you that we were so excited about everything, and it was awesome."

She started a public relations career and began posting mom advice online. He started a progressive Christian blog called "Jesus needs new PR" and eventually started writing children's books. And in 2007, they started a family.

After 10 years and three children, Jessica Turner said, she and her husband started to drift apart a bit: "And I thought it had to do with me," she said.

"I like to be in control, and I have always been someone who pursued excellence," she said. "My expections were that we’d have a great marriage that would survive anything."

Matthew Turner, meanwhile, was dealing with decades of expectations from his fundamentalist family.

"I was raised in an environment where you did not talk about being gay," Matthew Turner said.

Not even to his wife.

So, after couples counseling began, Matthew Turner took the half step of telling her he was bisexual.

"I was confused," Jessica Turner said, particularly because the couple remained physically intimate throughout their marriage.

"I didn't know what to do with that. Could we survive a mixed orientation marriage?"

About five months later, he said he was gay, adding that he loved her, he loved the kids and he didn't want to get a divorce.

And that launched a torturous eight months of trying to figure out what their relationship would look like going forward. Would they stay married? Would they get divorced? If they did, what would co-parenting look like?

"We kept sleeping in the same bed, and I'd say, 'Lord, please bring him back,'" she said.

On her walks through the neighborhood, Jessica Turner spotted a house for rent less than a mile away, a house that proved to be a catalyst to the couple separating. If her kids were going to live part-time away from her, she prayed, please let them be just a 90-second drive away.

Tough questions

They rented the house in June 2020 and decided a week or so later to tell their kids, then 5, 8 and 11 years old, that their parents were splitting.

"I remember being nervous that morning, I remember calling the kids downstairs, I remember Matthew coming out to them, and I remember saying, Mommy and Daddy are getting a divorce."

All five of them cried, and the kids asked questions, some of them tough.

"Why did you marry Mommy if you're gay?" their daughter asked.

"It was such a sad time," Jessica Turner said. "I cried oceans of tears."

The Turners continued individual counseling, and the first year was particularly painful.

Their youngest repeatedly asked his mom, "Why can't you and daddy get back together?"

"It was painful at first to hear those questions. But I've had a lot longer to process this than my kids," Jessica Turner said.

Because both of them were public figures, she wanted to go public with their divorce and the reason why, asking her husband to reveal in a social media post that he was gay, hoping the revelations would make the transitions easier on them and their children in the long run.

"That scared me," Matthew Turner said. "But I agreed to it because I trusted Jessica, and I wanted her to be able to have that gift of being able to be open and honest with her audience and with the people in her story."

The couple received waves of online support and love — and some hate.

"That online vitriol — 'Matthew lied to you.' 'Your marriage was a sham.' ' How could you be so stupid?'" Jessica Turner said.

The couple gave lots of thought to how they would co-parent, and they both decided they abhorred the hate and anger they saw between many divorced parents. In fact, there were several things they wanted to do differently.

The Turners both wanted to see their kids every day. They both wanted to spend holidays together with the kids. So they worked it out.

The two have a 60-40 split; and both split weeks.

Each parent is involved in getting at least one of the kids to or from school every weekday. All five Turners have dinner together at least twice a week. Each parent helps drive the kids to sports and other activities, regardless of who has custody that day.

Leading with love

Boundaries also help: they have a clause in their divorce agreement, crafted with a single mediator, that says no one they're dating can sleep over if the kids are in the house until a parent has been dating that person for at least six months and the kids have met them.

Both parents agree to and enforce the same guidelines in both houses, from screen time to consequences to bedtimes, the notable exception being Pop Tarts. Mom's house bans them, Dad's house is Pop Tart inclusive.

Communicating helps too. Jessica and Matthew Turner talk several times each day. Sometimes it's about the kids, sometimes they just share about work, pop culture or even dating.

"They're more considerate to each other than most married couples," said Courtney O’Daniel, Jessica Turner's friend and former Vanderbilt colleague. "It's wild to see."

The parents and two older kids have a text thread that almost always launches each day with Matthew Turner sharing his Wordle score.

Jessica Turner started talking about — and modeling — leading with love and understanding.

"It was the best thing for myself and my kids and my community," she said. "Whether it's media or how we’re raised, people think the only choice is anger or hate. And what good does that do? There's another way.

"The man I fell in love with became tormented, and something was lost," she said. "When Matthew gained the freedom to come out and live fully in himself, I got my best friend back. That's why we have such a good co-parenting relationship."

"She was the one who extended the olive branch," Matthew Turner said.

"And I eventually learned to accept that olive branch and trust it. We’ve been able to cultivate a very loving and good relationship. She's my best friend."

Jessica Turner said she has grown through the divorce, discovering who she is as a person, apart from a wife or mom.

"While I'm still the passionate, fun-loving go getter I was in my marriage, there's a sense of agency, assuredness and purpose I've found after divorce," she said.

"A lot of people who get married young didn't get the opportunity of sitting with ourselves. I was smaller in my marriage. It's exciting to discover what the best chapter may be in bringing my whole self to a relationship."

Still, Jessica Turner said, she's not immune from the pain of being a single parent.

"The hardest part about divorce is doing things alone with your kids and not having that person to help. With dishes, with enforcing boundaries, or laughing at something funny that one of the kids did," she said.

"It’s lonely. Even with an excellent, collaborative co-parent, it’s lonelier than I ever imagined."

That doesn't mean she'll settle in looking for another long-term partner.

"The biggest struggle has been that I’ve done a lot of therapeutic work, and in my experience dating, I have not found a partner who is as committed to growth in the same way I am, or is not as far along in his journey. So I’m at the point now where I’m dating with intention and looking for someone who wants a whole-hearted relationship. I’m open to that possibility, but I’m also really comfortable sitting with myself."

She added that she's having fun dating and has had some great relationships.

Her main focus, though, outside of her children, is a book she's writing, titled "I Thought It Would Be Better Than This: Rise from Disappointment, Regain Control and Rebuild a Life You Love.” Part memoir, part self help, the book is set to come out in the spring next year and will be a deep dive into starting her life over after divorce.

"What I always hope whether in a Target post on Instagram or through the book is that I’m serving women really well," she said.

"I believe that’s what I’m called to do. If my story can encourage anyone else in their own, then I want to do that. When people see pain familiar to their own, it gives them courage."

Reach Brad Schmitt at brad@tennessean.com or 615-259-8384.

This article originally appeared on Nashville Tennessean: Jessica and Matthew Turner: Their journey to become loving co-parents