Give her Winnie-the-Pooh or Paddington any day. It’s the real bears that scare her
I’m living in fear of my upcoming vacation, and this is because I’m scared of nature. As in, the animals that inhabit nature. My husband and I are headed to Lake Tahoe where I’ll be on high alert for a multitude of things I’m certain will result in my demise.
My main concern is the black bear. The name is a misnomer, because the bears can range in color from blond to black with the most common shade being what the U.S. Forestry Service calls “cinnamon brown.”
Really?
Cinnamon brown conjures up images of an immensely huggable stuffed animal. Let me say right now that the Forestry Service needs to rethink its nomenclature, because a 400-pound bear is definitely not huggable.
Don’t get me wrong — I love bears. Winnie-the-Pooh, Paddington, Yogi, Smokey, Baloo: Heck, I’ve even got strong feelings for the Berenstain Bears. They’re a family I’d love to spend quality time with at their lovely home inside a tree in “Bear Country.”
But as for getting up close and personal with real bears? I’ll take the hardest of hard passes. This is because I hold this animal in the highest of esteem and that means I’d like to never encounter one.
My bear “respect” (yes, I’m re-branding fear to respect) has recently become even more intense due to the huge mistake I made signing up for bear alerts in the area where we’ll be vacationing.
The notifications I’ve been getting are terrifying. The people posting have to be exaggerating or drinking too much homemade Juniper Berry wine and are having visions of the Berenstain Bears vacationing in Tahoe. (Now, why that family would ever want to leave their adorable home inside a tree is beyond me.) There is no way that many people are encountering that many bears.
In a mission to pursue bear truth, I did my own research and then had to do some fairly intense breathing exercises to calm myself down. Because I discovered my husband and I will be in Lake Tahoe during the bears prime stuffing-their-face-before-hibernation begins.
The bears — black, blonde and cinnamon — need to increase their body weight by 35% before they hit the sack for the winter. This means they’ll be eating non-stop and foraging for food up to 20 hours a day. So basically, it’s the same eating behavior I use whenever I tell myself that I’m going to start a diet the next week, so I might as well live large until then.
What this pre-hibernation feast means is that the bears are more out and about than usual. So, the chances of a bear meet and greet are going to be solidly in your favor. Give me a second, I need some time for more deep breaths.
OK, I’m better. Not a lot better because when I told my husband what I just shared with you, his response was a very non-panicked, “Well, you always need to be bear aware.” And then he adroitly segued to that rattlesnakes are a “bigger concern” because Lake Tahoe is one of the most “snake infested” in America.
Oh. My. God.
I freaked out and mentioned changing our vacation to somewhere safe like a Disney resort. Then he reminded me that last month part of the Magic Kingdom in Florida was shut down due to a black bear (definitely not cinnamon brown: I checked) enjoying the sights.
You know what sounds good right now? Staying home in Leawood, Kansas. I googled it and no bear sightings — yet.
Reach Sherry Kuehl at snarkyinthesuburbs@gmail.com, on Facebook at Snarky in the Suburbs, on Twitter at @snarkynsuburbs on Instagram @snarky.in.the.suburbs, and snarkyinthesuburbs.com.
