Is the holiday season really as romantic as Hallmark says?
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What is it about Christmastime? Cheeks are rosy from the cold; eyes sparkle with the reflection of twinkling Christmas lights; cold hands clasp together. Romantically.
This is all, at least, according to Hallmark. Each year, Hallmark cranks out an astounding number of predictable Christmas and holiday rom-coms. Some are beloved. Many are mocked.
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Christmas rom-coms vary in premise, but end the same: love found at Christmastime. The holiday season is, at least in the eyes of holiday movie creators, the most romantic time of year.
But why? Personally, despite being primed for a Christmas romance — I’m in the most common rom-com leading lady profession (journalism) and am currently not dating anyone — my holiday festivities are shaping up to be free of a whirlwind romance and filled instead with hectic chores and events.
In my life, the holidays usually aren’t the most romantic time of year. Dating experts told me that’s the case for most people, no matter what Hallmark says.
“I think that Hollywood has definitely brainwashed us,” Amy Van Doran, New York City matchmaker and founder of Modern Love Club, said.
What is the appeal of a holiday romance?
There are countless movies built around a holiday romance. A myriad of Christmas rom-com books. Dozens of articles on the pros of finding love during the holidays — plus articles on how to survive Christmastime while single.
Romance is clearly on people’s minds during the holiday season — but why?
“I think for some people, (the holidays) can be a really romantic time,” Eva Gallagher, a Plenty of Fish dating expert, said. “It is very romanticized within society.”
Because of this, it seems that people value bringing a significant other to holiday activities.
According to stats shared with the Deseret News by the dating app Plenty of Fish, “Nearly half (45%) of respondents believe it’s crucial for the person they’re dating to actively participate in their family’s holiday traditions.”
Additionally, “29% consider bonding with the family as one of the most significant ‘green flags’ when dating during the holidays.”
While those with a significant other value bringing them to the holidays, loneliness seems to be on the mind of singles during the season.
According to a 2020 study by Zoosk, a dating app, 53% of those polled said “that it’s harder to be single during the holidays than at any other time of year.” Additionally, 32% said “that Christmas is the one major holiday they’d least like to be single on.”
Christmastime is a time for emotional intimacy. Even if you have family to visit, it’s a time of year during which unpartnered people often long for romance.
“People are definitely reminded of the fact that they’re single, because they have these ideas of where they’d be on Christmas,” Van Doran said.
Owen Chapman, a single 22-year-old, told me that he’s spending this holiday season wishing he had someone to share it with.
“You go home and you have family members who are in relationships and you’re surrounded by successful relationships. I guess you wish that you could be participating in that,” he said.
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But is holiday dating worth the stress?
Pontificating on holiday romance has led me to reflect on my own love life. Why am I not swept up in the romance of the season? Am I just a Scrooge or do I legitimately not have time to date during the holidays this year?
These questions reminded me of a conversation I had with one of my friends earlier this year. As fall approached, we solemnly resolved to put an honest effort into dating. That way we could drag some poor, unsuspecting man to all our favorite holiday activities. Halloween haunted houses! Pie-eating at Thanksgiving! Christmas markets in December!
My friend threw in a caveat: If she hadn’t found someone by December, she’d have to put her dating life on pause until January. She’s a law school student and would be drowning in finals before finally retreating home for the holidays.
I agreed. I typically head home for Christmas in mid-December and am swimming in endless holiday parties and plans before then.
According to Gallagher, the holidays can be stressful for everyone — whether single, romantically partnered or trying to date.
“I think that dating over the holiday season can just be overwhelming,” Gallagher said. “I think in any in holiday situation, no matter what, there’s always going to be societal pressures, whether it’s from friends or family or the movies.”
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This year, our romantic resolutions were a dud. But it isn’t unusual for single people to try to find a significant other in the fall, before the holiday madness. In fact, many think that fall, not the holiday season, is the most romantic time of year.
Why is the fall so romantic?
Famously called “cuffing season,” there are multiple articles dedicated to the romance of autumn. Based on personal experience, my most successful romantic endeavors have primarily taken place in the fall.
It should be noted that cuffing season also extends into the winter. But in Van Doran’s opinion, late summer and early fall is the best time for romance.
“I am for the early, pre-fall (new romance),” Van Doran told me. “If you have your relationship, you can cozy into winter time.”
If Van Doran’s clients are specifically looking for a relationship by the holidays, they have to get started on Labor Day, she said. That way, they can be ready by the time Dec. 1 arrives.
“If they’re not in a relationship by Thanksgiving, it’s probably going to be after Jan. 1,” Van Doran said.
According to Van Doran, her busiest days are Labor Day and Jan. 3 or 4. December is definitely slower for her single clients.
“I think things are slowing down,” she said. “All of our clients are pausing.”
Van Doran made it clear that her clients lives aren’t pausing — the exact opposite, really — but during the holidays, their dating lives are on hold.
“I think the most part, it’s more of a hunkering down and exploratory moment,” she said.
Holiday romance is possible — but jumpstarting your love life in January might be easier
Van Doran added that it isn’t impossible for people to find new love during the holidays, but if they do, she advises her clients to be realistic.
“I would highly recommend that people not assume that it’s going a Hallmark Channel situation,” Van Doran said. “Everyone’s inundated with holiday parties. People are oftentimes triggered because they’re with their families.”
“If you’re in a new relationship, obviously leave space for Christmas magic,” she continued. “You can eradicate your expectations and be pleasantly surprised.”
And there are many who do think that dating during the holidays is possible. Take Owen, for example. He told me that, sure, the holidays can be hectic — “but you can always make time to date.”
Owen does all the classic Christmas activities with his family: Christmas markets, Christmas tree shopping, etc. From what he told me, I gathered that he could easily bring a girlfriend to those things, too. I think he’d like to.
But for those who are single during the holidays, some might find it easier to put their love lives on hold — and then set a New Year’s resolution to jumpstart their dating lives.
“Because everyone survived the holidays,” Van Doran said. “It reminded them of what they wanted.”
In the meantime, Van Doran advises people to think of December as a time to reflect and revel in the joy — and survive the stress — of the holidays.
“Use this time focus on becoming more present and thoughtful, create a meaningful goal for Jan. 1,” Van Doran continued. “After Jan. 1, let’s hit the ground running. Just use this as a time to restore and reflect and manifest the kind of relationship you want.”
The holiday season should be about love — just not the romantic kind
When I prodded Gallagher from Plenty of Fish about the reality of dating during the holiday season, she told me: “It’s subjective.”
She’s right. Some might fall into my camp this year and feel too stressed to date while juggling holiday plans. They, like me, will likely want to wait till the new year to dive back into the dating pool.
But others might be more like Owen: busy, but willing to make room for romance.
The holiday season may not be, realistically, the most romantic season of the year. But everyone, single or otherwise, should create space for love this time of year — especially for family and friends.
If you’re wondering how I’m spending my holiday season, I’ll be inside. Instead of frantically swiping through dating apps, I’ll just bury myself in blankets and only venture out into the cold for friends and family.
But who knows? Maybe I’ll be pleasantly surprised by a holiday romance of my own. Maybe other single people will, too.
Despite my relationship status, I’m lucky enough to lack something that many feel acutely during this season: loneliness. Whether it’s for love or family, it doesn’t matter. The sting is still sharp.
If you’re feeling lonely this season, Van Doran has some advice. “Make sure that you reach out to your community and your friends if you feel like you’re going to be in a situation that’s triggering your loneliness. You do have warmth in your communities.”
“And remember that the holidays, after the 25th, will pass,” Van Doran continued. “It’s a small window of time.”
