Honey of an interview: I asked a bear about the movie 'Cocaine Bear.' Here's his review.

Rex Huppke, USA TODAY
·5 min read

The new movie “Cocaine Bear” has caused a buzz in the human world. But I wondered: How are bears feeling about this carnivore-centric flick?

The movie is a highly dramatized and wildly violent retelling of a real 1985 event involving a bear that chowed down on a load of cocaine that drug smugglers dropped from a plane over a forest in Tennessee. The bear was later found dead in north Georgia. The movie version, of course, involves far more chaos.

The title bear leaping into the back of an ambulance is "the least real moment" of "Cocaine Bear," says director Elizabeth Banks.
The title bear leaping into the back of an ambulance is "the least real moment" of "Cocaine Bear," says director Elizabeth Banks.

More:Fact checking 'Cocaine Bear': What's true (and what's not) in 'super-charged' survival movie

I reached out to bears and was referred to a spokesbear who has been handling media requests surrounding the movie. We met in an undisclosed den recently to discuss “Cocaine Bear” and its impact on the family Ursidae.

What follows is a transcript of our conversation:

Me: Hi, my name is Rex and I’m with USA TODAY. I appreciate you having me out here today.

Bear: It’s a pleasure. My name is Frank.

Me: Frank?

Bear: Yeah. Did you think we’re all named Paddington or something?

Paddington - not a common bear name.
Paddington - not a common bear name.

Me: Sorry. Didn’t mean any offense. Nice to meet you, Frank.

Bear: Same. So you want some bear thoughts on “Cocaine Bear"?

Me: Yes. What can you tell me about how this movie is being received among bear-kind?

Bear: Well, look, I’m gonna be honest with you. We certainly appreciate humans shining a light on the problem of cocaine use in the bear community. But in the grand scheme of things, it’s not that big a problem. Sure, every once in a while a couple bears get into somebody’s stash at a campsite, maybe go on a short bender where they do regrettable things to some deer or squirrels or whatever, but our dependency issues are more food-based.

More:What's the true story behind Cocaine Bear? Meet Kentucky's wildest, drug-fueled legend

Keri Russell stars as a Georgia mom who tries to survive with a drug-addicted bear on the loose in the action horror comedy "Cocaine Bear."
Keri Russell stars as a Georgia mom who tries to survive with a drug-addicted bear on the loose in the action horror comedy "Cocaine Bear."

Me: Like what?

Bear: Well, I know it sounds cliché, but we love the kind of food people bring out into the wild. I mean, that Yogi Bear character was created for a reason.

Me: You guys like…uh…pic-a-nic baskets?

Bear: It sounds dumb when you say it that way, but yeah. We do. Honey too.

Me: Like Winnie-the…

Bear: Please stop. Let’s just say we really dig honey, and occasionally you’ll find a bear who gets pretty hooked on the comb, you know, maybe winds up with the diabetes or something. But it’s not the same as being strung out on snout candy.

Me: What?

Bear: That’s what we call cocaine.

Me: Got it.

Bear: Man, your thighs look delicious.

Me: Excuse me?

Yes, "Cocaine Bear" is loosely based on the real story of a bear that did cocaine in the 1980s.
Yes, "Cocaine Bear" is loosely based on the real story of a bear that did cocaine in the 1980s.

Bear: Oh. Sorry. That was totally unprofessional. My bad. Don’t worry, I ate before this.

Me: OK. So what kind of important bear issues is a movie like “Cocaine Bear” not showing us?

Bear: Well, a much bigger problem for us…and I know you guys can be touchy about this…but a much bigger problem for us is guns. You know, the things you all use to shoot us with.

Me: Ah. Yeah. Sorry about that. If it helps, we use them to shoot ourselves quite a bit as well.

Bear: That’s cold comfort, if I’m being honest. Look, I’m not gonna pull any paws with you. You folks and your guns kill about 50,000 black bears a year.

Me: Good lord.

A yearling bear cub on the trail to Abrams Falls in Cades Cove, one of the most popular destinations in the Great Smoky Mountains National Park. Photo by Lisa Barger
A yearling bear cub on the trail to Abrams Falls in Cades Cove, one of the most popular destinations in the Great Smoky Mountains National Park. Photo by Lisa Barger

Bear: I KNOW, RIGHT? It’s kind of awful. You don’t hear about us eating 50,000 humans in a year, do you? So, you know, we’d rank that whole “you keep murdering us and putting our heads on walls” higher on our list of concerns than “occasional ingestion of a brick of cocaine.”

Me: I’m so sorry.

Bear: They should’ve made a movie called “Shot-By-Some-Jerk-Wearing-Camo Bear.” Would’ve been more accurate.

Me: I suppose.

Bear: Then of course there are the roads.

Me: What do roads do?

Bear: They carve up our territory. We’re walking along, looking for some honey or maybe a pic-a-nic…dammit…some food or something, and all of a sudden the forest stops and there’s this weird, hard path. So we check it out, and then along comes one of your cars or trucks and WHAM! Dead bear. It’s one of the leading causes of bear deaths, did you know that?

Stache (Aaron Holliday, left) and Eddie (Alden Ehrenreich) deal with the weird behavior of a coked-out animal in "Cocaine Bear."
Stache (Aaron Holliday, left) and Eddie (Alden Ehrenreich) deal with the weird behavior of a coked-out animal in "Cocaine Bear."

Me: I didn’t. I kind of assumed it was cocaine.

Bear: THAT’S the problem with the movie! It’s distracting people from the real tragedies. And don’t get me started on the environmental mess you all are making.

Me: I actually didn’t ask about…

Bear: You think that big toxic plume out in East Palestine, Ohio, isn’t going to mess some of us up? It killed a slew of fish. You know what we like to eat, besides honey? FISH! I may be a bit smarter than the average bear, but I tell you this: If we see a fish floating in the water, our first thought is: “Yum! Free fish!” Not, “Hmmm, I wonder if this fish is dead because some human numbnuts let a train full of vinyl chloride blow up nearby?”

Me: Is it possible for me to apologize for my entire species.

Bear: Yeah, that and a dead log might get me some grubs to eat. Whatever.

Me: Well, look, this has been helpful. I don’t think I’m going to be able to watch “Cocaine Bear” knowing what I know now.

Bear: Meh, do whatever you want. I didn’t mean to guilt-trip you. Circle of life, I suppose.

Cocaine is, contrary to popular belief, not a big problem in the bear community.
Cocaine is, contrary to popular belief, not a big problem in the bear community.

Me: That’s a grim circle, Frank.

Bear: Don’t I know it. Maybe at least you could tell your kind to cool it with the guns a bit.

Me: I will. It probably won’t do any good, but I will.

Bear: Thanks. You want some cocaine?

Me: What?

Bear: Hah! I’m just messin’ with you, two legs.

Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on Twitter @RexHuppke and Facebook facebook.com/RexIsAJerk, or contact him at rhuppke@usatoday.com

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This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: 'Cocaine Bear' review: Rex Hupppke gets a bear's opinion of the movie