Eyeball bailiffs: All rise for the Honorable Judge Brain! All moods are in attendance.
Brain: Thank you all. You may be seated. Today we will determine which mood needs to be bothering Katie today. There are four of you, and it seems everyone has some compelling reason. Myself and the jury will make a decision as to who holds the most reasonable argument and to allot the day to the party most likely to do well by Katie today …
Me: Excuse me!
Brain: What is it?
Me: I do not think you are fit enough to make those kind of decisions …
Brain: Eh? Nonsense! I am very well suited for this job. I am your brain. I am afraid you will have to speak up as well … you mumble so.
Mania: Oo! Ooo! Me! Pick me!
Brain: Yes Mania?
Mania: I should do it! Me! Yeah! Because we can get so much done! We just got off of graduate school … the possibilities are endless. I mean literally endless. I can list them! Right now!
Brain: Yes, yes … but how will that help Katie?
Me: Actually we have already been going nonstop and it would be really nice to just take it easy …
Brain: I really cannot hear you well madam, you must speak up.
Mania: We would be so productive! We could go to sleep tonight having done all of the house things we haven’t been doing! Imagine how pleased we will feel once it is done!
Brain: Very well, very well. Any other cases?
Depression: I vote we obsess over everyone’s shortcomings. I mean, what if we never make new friends? Why is everyone compelled to either be condescending or painfully boring? It’s so sad. No one understands us and we must figure out what we are doing wrong.
Brain: My, that does sound troubling. It is also a lot to think about. How would it aid her?
Me: It wouldn’t. I have some good friends, and we are working toward new ones. Dwelling on mistakes and doubting myself is self-abusive … we covered this in the psychologist’s office.
Brain: What? Oh? No, we aren’t in the psychologist’s office dear, we are at your committee meeting.
Depression: Besides, the psychologist just feels sorry for us anyway. Reflecting on life’s problems allows us to feel their weight and know their weaknesses … all of them.
Brain: Practical, but maybe a little dour for a day with so many possibilities.
Irritability: *clears throat*
Brain: Yes Irritability?
Irritability: They are both silly. And wrong. Also, you ignored me for at least 10 minutes. What the hell is that?
Brain: My sincerest apologies Irritability … I assure you I am paying attention now.
Me: Too much attention, she is totally irrational. Most of the time she gets mad at nothing! How could that possibly be productive?
Irritability: I will have you know I am a driving force for correcting problems! You would have no idea how to combat half the bullshit we encounter without me!
Me: Oh come on, you disregard social norms in lieu of rage and idle fury. You rant about the forks going in the dishwasher backward! That is not productive.
Brain: Irritability brings up an excellent point. There are things that genuinely must be handled. Sometimes anger is a good way to handle problems, very motivating indeed.
Me: It’s like you are not even listening to me.
Brain: What dear? Oh never mind, if you insist upon mumbling I shall pay you no heed. Anxiety?
Brain: Ah! You surprised me! Oh my, whatever is the matter?
Anxiety: We will never get all of this done! Do you see all of it? Clearly, I should be in control here, look at all this work! We should be afraid! We are going to fail! And failing at these things means life failure!
Depression: That makes me sad, not scared.
Anxiety: Oh buggers! You scared me! You don’t understand Depression … there is so much to fear! What if we encounter a 30-foot tarantula? What if we can’t have a baby? What if we can’t find a library job?!
Depression: That’s easy. We just stare at the wall and think about all the ways we have messed up. We would be safe and quiet and teary and tired. Everything nice and slow … and lonely. So alone. Unlikeable. Unsuccessful. And alone.
Irritability: Well that is dumbest shit I have ever heard in my life. You shouldn’t be afraid or sad … you should be angry. How dare those things prevent me from my goal? Silly freaking ovaries. Fucking inexperience. Bastards who hire people!
Mania: But all that time is wasted! You guys spend too much time thinking. We must do! Do 30 resumes and job applications, write your story for the LARP, paint the walls, call your doctors, I mean it’s only a year away before you start trying to have a kid! We need to get on things people. And smile about it. So happy!
Me: You guys don’t get it … it’s too much. You guys are too much. You are doing more harm than good! You exhaust me. I especially cannot handle you all at the same time. So, I am going to vote for Depression because I could really use some sleep.
Brain: Oh! There you are dear. I figured since everyone has such compelling cases we would just do rock, paper, scissors, yes? Alright.