Hunter Biden and the dark truth behind Joe Biden's turkey pardons

President Joe Biden issued Thanksgiving pardons to two turkeys this week during an event the mainstream media would like you to believe was a perfectly normal holiday tradition.

But as a MAGA loyalist who believes Donald Trump won the 2020 election AND the 2008 election against Barack Obama (the Deep State kept Americans from knowing Trump was on the ballot!), I assume everything Biden does has a sinister intent.

The 81-year-old president, who is both feeble and incapable of thinking for himself AND a devious global criminal mastermind, pardoned two hulking, 42-pound turkeys at the White House on his birthday Monday. The young birds, Liberty and Bell, allegedly hail from Minnesota, though I was unable to independently confirm their place of origin.

Is “Minnesota” some kind of code word used by members of the Biden Crime Family? Are we to believe the president issued these pardons without expecting something in return?

Something about Joe Biden's turkey pardons seems very suspicious

Adding to my suspicions, I could hear the turkeys speaking a language that definitely wasn’t English. Isn’t that an interesting coincidence? Was it Turkish? I can’t be sure.

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So let’s see ... we have two young, strong male turkeys who may very well hail from a foreign country. Did they enter our country illegally with intent to do us harm? Is that why Biden pardoned them?

I’m just asking questions here, folks.

Presumably Hunter Biden is a part of this turkey-pardoning conspiracy

As if this so-called decadeslong White House tradition didn’t already seem dodgy, I read on the internet Tuesday that the “two turkeys President Joe Biden pardoned Monday have been spotted at Hunter Biden's home.”

Did they ride over there in the president's Corvette, the one where he stores all his classified documents? I don’t know. Am I the one who posted the information about the turkeys being at Hunter Biden’s house on the internet? We’ll never know for certain.

But what’s abundantly clear is these now-pardoned turkeys were very likely board members of the Ukrainian gas company Burisma, the very same company that once had Hunter Biden on its board.

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Everyone who understands that facts are a form of government control knows this: Joe Biden did something nefarious involving Burisma at some point in order to protect his son from something that was certainly explosively corrupt. I’d explain the details and the evidence that back these claims up, but I don’t feel you can be trusted with that information.

I also don’t have that information because it doesn’t exist, but I believe in it strongly enough to manifest my own reality. And if you don’t believe me, I will challenge you to a debate and then not show up because I’ll assume it’s a trap.

We need a congressional investigation into Biden's handling of turkey pardons

The patriots who are still with me on this might be thinking: OK, this all makes perfect sense so far, but why would Hunter Biden want to get his dad to pardon these turkeys who may or not be Ukrainian oligarchs?

It’s a great question, and one that likely explains why you weren’t invited to Thanksgiving dinner this year. (Families are notoriously afraid of TRUTH SEEKERS.)

Unfortunately, to get to the heart of this bird conspiracy – which I’m quite sure also involves China, Hillary Clinton and at least one of Obama’s secret madrasas – we’re going to need congressional subpoenas.

So I’m calling on some of our most intelligent and sensible lawmakers – like Reps. Marjorie Taylor Greene, Paul Gosar and George Santos – to launch an immediate investigation into Liberty and Bell, the so-called farm in Minnesota where they allegedly were raised and the Biden administration’s obvious scheme to solicit foreign money in exchange for Thanksgiving pardons.

Happy Thanksgiving. I regret to inform you that you're doing it wrong.

We the people deserve the truth about Biden's sinister Thanksgiving ploy

We deserve to know what really happened, and whether the turkeys were, at any point, in possession of Hunter Biden’s other laptop. (I’m told that other laptop is where all the real dirt can be found.)

And if you need to do your own research, you can find this piece you’re currently reading on the internet, thus proving it’s all true.

You’re welcome, America.

Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on X, formerly Twitter, @RexHuppke and Facebook facebook.com/RexIsAJerk

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This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Joe Biden pardons two turkeys – and sparks new conspiracy theories