My Late Husband’s Father Refuses to Respect Me as a Parent

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My husband died of COVID more than three years ago. Our daughter is now 5. One of the many, many things I miss about him as a partner and co-parent is how he was the one to deal with his father when he was difficult. My FIL sees himself as the patriarch of the family and is bad about accepting “no” as an answer. Lately, my daughter has been giving hugs a little less freely than she used to, which is fine. I’ve always told her that she never has to give hugs or kisses or any physical affection when she doesn’t want to. In the spring, her preschool even had a series of lessons for abuse prevention and “you can always say no to hugs and kisses, even from family” was part of it, so she’s getting the message at home and school.

Recently, my FIL visited, and she said she didn’t want to hug goodbye. I said “That’s fine. You don’t have to give grandpa a hug. You can say goodbye in a different way.” He immediately said, “No, you have to give grandpa a hug.” I reiterated “No, you don’t. Remember what you learned at school - you’re the boss of your body.” He said she did have to hug him because he’s her grandpa, and he quickly came in for a hug anyway and she obliged. I was so livid I wanted to scream at him, and I only didn’t because I didn’t want to upset my daughter.

Not only is he going against an important safety lesson, it’s part of a long pattern of him thinking he knows our child better than we do and that he can override our parenting decisions. A couple examples from over the years: We said we thought our baby was still too young for an overnight sleepover, and he said “no she’s not” and kept pushing. When she was 2, I said to please not give her coins because she’d still been putting a lot of stuff in her mouth. He said “Whatever, she won’t put them in her mouth.”

So how do I handle this? Do I focus on the bodily autonomy issue alone, or do I address the larger pattern of him trying to override us/me on matters of child safety? I’d rather not have a big confrontation in front of my daughter the next time he tries the same thing, since arguments between adults are distressing for her. It’s also tricky because I do really want her to know her dad’s side of the family.

—Wish I Wasn’t Doing This Alone

Dear Wish,

Adults like your FIL drive me insane, and I’m sorry you have to deal with his nonsense while also navigating your life as a widow and single mom. Speaking of nonsense, I bet your tolerance for it is minimal at best nowadays, so I think you should be as direct as possible when speaking with this man.

You call the shots when it comes to your daughter—not him or anyone else. I think you’ve been overly kind to your FIL, and I’m sure that’s because you’re a respectful person and, as you say, want to maintain a connection to your late husband’s family, but this dynamic needs to change. I’m not saying you need to call him names or be rude, but you need to incredibly firm going forward.

Regarding the forced hug situation, you should stand between your child and your FIL at those moments and say something along the lines of, “I said she doesn’t feel comfortable giving you a hug right now and her decision is final,” and then walk away with her. You won’t cause a scene, but you will show him that your will is not up for debate. This goes for food choices, sleepovers, or any other aspect of her life. Doing this will ensure your daughter doesn’t grow up trying to navigate mixed messages.

If you want to take it a step further, you can pull him aside in private and flat out tell him how things are going to be going forward—you’re the parent, and he will not be allowed to go against your wishes. You can also tell him that if he doesn’t take you seriously, you’ll have to think about limiting how often he’ll see his grandchild. It’s really that simple. This man needs to treat you with more respect; treating him with a firmer approach will likely show him the way.

Submit your questions to Care and Feeding here. It’s anonymous! (Questions may be edited for publication.)

Dear Care and Feeding,

Recently, my daughter gave me a hard time about coming to help for two weeks when I was going to be laid up with major surgery. When her husband arrived, my husband—who has cognitive issues—let the dog loose by accident and the dog bit my son-in-law (the dog had never seen him before) and there was one puncture (no stitches). Well, my daughter reported me and the dog to animal control, but she didn’t tell us until after she left town. I now feel I cannot trust her, and my husband and I feel she did this intentionally. Am I wrong to want to have nothing to do with her? The dog is a sweetheart and my constant companion.

—Disgusted Parent

Dear Disgusted Parent,

Is it crappy that your daughter reported you and the dog after she skipped town? Yes, it is—based on your version of the incident, which is all I have to go on, I think she should have talked things out with you first. However, I get the sense that your relationship with her was damaged long before this visit took place, because most adult children would’ve handled the situation differently—this feels like retaliation for more than just a frightened nip. Either way, you should contact her and try to figure out why she took such drastic action without warning. If you don’t receive a satisfactory answer, then I would have no problem with you choosing to love her from a distance for a while. Once you’ve cooled down, if this relationship is important to you, then you should take time to repair it, even if it means going to a family therapist together to figure out where all these negative emotions are coming from. I understand your anger, but holding onto it forever will only damage you in the long run. Speak to her when you’re ready, and hopefully cooler heads will prevail.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

I have a fairly low-stakes question. My wife and I are expecting our first child in a few weeks, and we couldn’t be more thrilled. My family and in-laws are all deciding what they would like the baby to call them. My question is my sister’s long-term boyfriend: They live abroad, rarely visit, and are completely incompatible when it comes to marriage and kids (my sister wants both, he doesn’t want either). I don’t want to refer to him as an uncle because I don’t want our son to wonder why his uncle disappeared from his life if/when the relationship goes south. Is it okay not to call a long-term partner “uncle” if I don’t think the relationship will last? Or is that really rude?

—Cry Uncle

Dear Cry Uncle,

Ah, I love low-stakes questions. I think it’s completely fine to call your sister’s boyfriend “uncle” regardless of what happens in their relationship. Breakups happen, divorces happen, people come in and out of kids’ lives all of the time. It’s not like this dude is going to bring main character energy in your son’s world like a new romantic partner for you or your wife would, for example. Heck, he’s barely a supporting actor. Due to the fact they live abroad and rarely visit, I highly doubt your son will be in a therapist’s office if this relationship ends.

—Doyin

A distant relative who is close to my age works at a day care center several states away from me. We follow each other on social media, and she frequently shares things that really make me uncomfortable. For example, she often posts pictures or takes Snaps of kids crying in a way that’s shaming them, like “He was hungry, so I gave him a snack” or “She wanted to go outside, but it’s not time.” (Think of the “Why my toddler is crying?” meme, only they’re not her kids.) She and her co-workers also appear to play a game where they hide the head of a decapitated baby doll around the center, in view of the children, in order to scare one another.