My Husband Has Plenty of Money to Spoil His Kids but Never Enough for Me

Pay Dirt is Slate’s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Athena and Elizabeth here. (It’s anonymous!)

Dear Pay Dirt, 

My husband is very generous when it comes to his kids. They are all married and live in their own homes with their families. His youngest is in his 30s. He loves buying them “just because” gifts (e.g. TVs, gaming consoles, arcades). It would be nice if he did the same for me. I’ve talked to my husband about his shopping sprees. It goes in one ear and out the other. He just ignores me and ignores the fact that there are a lot of repairs needed at home. According to him, we just can’t afford everything I want fixed! But he has plenty of money to spoil his adult kids.

What really bugs me is when we go out to eat. My stepson and his wife already anticipate my husband is paying. I usually end up ordering a salad because I anticipate it too. When the bill arrives, my husband has the nerve to ask me to leave the tip! Really?! I know it sounds ungrateful but why not ask his son to leave the tip?! After all, he and his wife did order drink after drink! It’s gotten to the point where I can’t stand to be around them anymore. They really take advantage. Well, enough is enough! How do I speak up without causing too much tension in the family?

—Enough Is Enough

Dear Enough Is Enough, 

This doesn’t sound like you have an issue with him spoiling his children. It sounds like you have a communication problem and don’t feel cared for. It also sounds like you’re probably a little jealous of his kids.

You’re telling him you need help around the house, and that you’re concerned about his spending, yet he responds by ignoring you or brushing you off. Communicating your needs to your partner is hard, but it can be downright painful when they continuously deflect. You don’t feel heard and it isn’t fair. But it’s also not fair to blame it on his kids.

From what you note in your letter, they aren’t outwardly asking you both for money to fund their lifestyle or pay their bills. Your husband is choosing to spend money on them. They just accept his gifts. Your husband continues to spend money on them while ignoring your needs, so they’re easy to blame. But that blame is misdirected. Is there an underlying issue with your husband’s spending? Do you both share finances and if so, do you both need to agree on a tighter budget?

I think you need to go to couples counseling to learn how to communicate with each other and get down to the bottom of this ongoing issue. Someone serving as a mediator might help relieve the tension a bit and lead you both to find ways to express yourselves. But spoiler alert: His kids aren’t going anywhere. Find a way to co-exist; if that’s too much to ask, then there are other issues to address. Good luck.

For questions on parenting, kids, or family life, try submitting to Care and Feeding!

Dear Pay Dirt,

I do not seem to be able to budget any lower than a certain amount of spending. I’ve always been frugal, but I used to have a decent income and indulged in small luxuries like regular takeout. Nothing fancy, mostly from hole-in-the-wall places, but it adds up when it’s several times a week. Recently, I started a business. While my business growth has gone as expected, I knew I would be living off of savings for a while and planned accordingly. I even planned for some emergencies, but I had several emergencies in a row, so my budget is now off track.

I just can’t seem to cut out my takeout. I thought making a budget where I cut down on eating out would be more realistic, but I am terrible in the kitchen. I end up ruining or wasting so much food that cooking isn’t really saving me any money. I also can’t seem to stop buying things I don’t really need right now, like the occasional dress or pair of shoes. The purchases are small and they keep adding up. I’m not in trouble now but will be in six months if I can’t cut down my spending. I know that sometimes when I spend money on certain things, it’s because of stress, but I’ve had so much stress lately! By any regular measure, I feel like my spending habits are still pretty frugal, I just don’t have as much money coming in. What can I do?

—Frugal Fissures

Dear Frugal Fissures, 

The most stressful part of being self-employed (in my opinion) is matching your cash flow to your spending. Since you are having issues with overspending, try out a cash envelope budget and a no-spend challenge simultaneously. You also need to learn to cook (sorry!) and find ways to manage your stress levels.

A cash envelope budgeting system requires you to write the categories of your budget that vary from month to month, along with an assigned amount on several envelopes. Go to the bank, and withdraw the exact amount you need to stuff your envelopes. For the remainder of your budgeting period, you can only spend what’s in them—nothing more. By making your money tangible, you’ll be aware of exactly how much you’re spending in each category.

Now, look up no-spend challenges. This kind of challenge encourages you to only spend on your needs for one month to see how much money you can save by not spending on your wants. Everyone’s needs look different, but eating out and random clothing items are definitely “wants” in your case. A no-spend challenge will hopefully serve as a hard reset.

And remember, cooking does not require you to learn how to use the fanciest gadgets. You don’t need them. You also don’t need to be trying out elaborate recipes (although this website is an excellent one for beginners). Make a list of quick and easy meals you can make for yourself in less than 20 minutes. Pasta, salads, sheet meals, and tacos are all dishes you can personalize to your tastes and prep ahead. You can always find ways to make your meals pop by using spices, herbs, and oils.

I know it’s a lot to take in—so now let’s get to the managing stress portion. Find a yoga mat or towel, crawl on the floor, and pull up a yoga video on YouTube. Yoga is excellent for managing stress and anxiety. Meditation, coloring books, and walking outside are all great, affordable ways to regulate your stress levels. You’ll be able to think clearer, identify your stressors, and find ways to deal with them in ways that don’t require swiping your card.

Want more Pay Dirt every week? Sign up for Slate Plus now.

Dear Pay Dirt, 

I recently bought a toy for someone costing $39 at a small business. I then just happened to see the same toy for $30 at a big box store. I told myself that I was supporting small businesses and could easily afford $9. The problem is that while I believe those things to both be true, I still feel an overwhelming sense of having done something wrong by wasting money. I have severe anxiety about wasting money. I don’t know how to stop it. It isn’t just this one incident, it happens all the time. Yesterday we bought discount tickets to a park from a third-party vendor. We saved $6 over the gate price. Today the gate price dropped by $6.50 in a flash sale, so in the end, I spent 50 cents more per ticket. Only 50 cents and I am having anxiety, I know that’s crazy! Do you have any advice for me?

—Trying Not to Care About 50 Cents

Dear Trying Not To Care About 50 Cents, 

I understand not wanting to pay more than you have to. $9 is a coffee and snack at Starbucks or even a few random items at a dollar store. Little costs can add up quickly. Your general anxiety around money is probably making this hurt more than it should, though.

Set up a rule for price matching. It doesn’t make sense to drive your car back to the store to do a price match for 50 cents, but figure out a threshold where it would make sense for you. Maybe a $10 or more difference is a reasonable threshold that will account for the time and transportation costs associated with going from store to store. If you haven’t already, ensure you’re signed up for an online price-matching tool like Capital One Shopping or Honey.

Overall, money anxiety can be caused by a variety of reasons. There are a ton of resources out there that might help you learn how to manage those feelings. Choosing Therapy has a guide by licensed mental health professionals that walks you through the different kinds of money anxiety and provides exercises to try to alleviate some of those worries. Check out How to Heal Financial Anxiety: Rewrite Your Money Story & Your Life by Michele Paiva, too.

—Athena

My father is a charming, charismatic, wealthy man who abandoned me and my mother, never paid child support, never showed up for birthdays, and let me live with my mom’s abusive relatives after she died rather than take me in. He did the same to my half-brother, who hasn’t spoken to our father in decades. I was estranged from my father for decades, too, but several years ago decided to forgive and just enjoy my father for who he is, because I do love him.