My Husband Refuses to Trust My Sick Kid Remedies. And I’m a Paramedic.
Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My husband and I have two kids, 3 years and 9 months. I am a paramedic with a lot of practical kid experience between younger siblings and babysitting/nannying jobs. He has basically no experience with kids outside of our own. When the kids get sick, no matter how minor/standard an illness, it really activates his otherwise very well-controlled anxiety and he needs a lot of reassurance and confidence they are okay and we’re doing the right thing. Not only will he ask me, but then he will call/text his sister, a PA, and give her the full rundown of everything and ask her what she thinks is wrong, what she thinks we should do, if what we’re doing is enough, etc. It drives me crazy because I will tell him the exact same things she does, but once she tells him he actually will calm down some.
I don’t know if it’s that he finds her reassuring or if it’s just hearing the same thing from another person that helps, but either way I find it insulting that coming from me, the information and actions don’t seem like enough. I’ve tried calmly explaining this to him both in the moment and after, but it hasn’t helped. Last time he was texting his sister about a kid’s ailment while I was trying to talk to him, I got angry and told him if he wanted to raise our kids with his sister instead of me he was welcome to start discussing all decisions with her and I’d just go relax somewhere. Any thoughts on how I can explain to him and potentially move forward with less sister input? Or how I can get over him needing to talk to sister bothering me so much?
—Perfectly Capable
Dear Perfectly Capable,
I don’t want to make light of any mental illness your husband could be experiencing, but as someone who suffers from depression and anxiety, I’ll be the first to say that mental illness isn’t an excuse for bad behavior—and I think this is annoying at best, moving toward outright disrespect. Even if his need for reassurance is coming from a good place (i.e. concern for your children), it isn’t logical given your experience and profession and, as you’ve told him many times now, it’s unnecessarily hurting your feelings. I would suggest that both of you sit down with a family therapist in order to have an unbiased third party help you untangle this dynamic. Additionally, a good therapist will provide him with tools to help him overcome his anxiety around this particular issue and uncover the reasons why he always has to get a second opinion.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
My wife and I are undecided about something. My 7th grade daughter “Ella” is an amazing softball player and is the unquestioned star of her middle school team, but her grades are just OK (think mostly B’s, one A in P.E., and one C in math). My wife says that if she doesn’t get mostly A’s this school year and no C’s, she won’t allow her to play softball this upcoming season. In my wife’s opinion, she’s not putting enough effort into school and she needs “the proper carrot” to get her grades up. In my opinion, her grades are fine and all of this pressure is creating unnecessary anxiety as she’s trying to navigate through life as a student-athlete. If Ella doesn’t have softball, she will crumble. My wife thinks if softball is that important to her, she’ll do whatever it takes to keep her grades up. What do you think?
—Rock and a Softball Place
Dear Rock,
As I’ve mentioned before, I’m a youth basketball coach, and I have two daughters who play club basketball. My 7th grader is a straight-A student, but even if she was getting the same grades as your daughter, I wouldn’t roll with the “carrot” strategy your wife is suggesting. Why? Because your daughter’s grades aren’t bad—especially for a kid who’s learning how to balance school with being the star of her softball team.
Since when did B’s become the new D’s, anyway? We need some perspective here—I was a B student in high school and college as a student-athlete and turned out just fine. Conversely, there are so many adults spending thousands of dollars a year on therapy because their parents pressured them to become straight-A students when they were your daughter’s age. Of course, make clear to Ella that her academic work is important—most people don’t go on to become professional athletes, etc.—but don’t hold that work to an unnecessarily high standard.
Speaking of mental health, I also worry that taking away something that your daughter loves, because her grades are good but not great, will only have the opposite effect your wife is looking for. Personally, I’d rather have a happy student athlete with mostly B’s instead of an anxious student athlete with straight A’s. If she’s struggling in math, get her a tutor—but don’t take softball away from her.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
My MIL has a short history of negative behavior; she hasn’t yet met our 12-week-old baby in person, as she lives several states away. Previous to this, we’ve had an OK relationship from afar and have had normal visits.
Negative #1: During a FaceTime call from the hospital to introduce the in-laws to baby, my MIL said we should reconsider our name choice; we said no. My MIL texted again while my husband and I were still at the hospital saying that the name we had chosen wasn’t a good one, and we should really reconsider before filing the birth certificate, which we again declined.
Negative #2: We had sent my MIL candid personal photos from the delivery room; these were taken shortly after the birth, and the pics were not at all cleaned up (mom, dad, and baby are meeting each other for the very first time—super sweet pics, but very personal.) While still recuperating in the hospital my MIL asked us repeatedly for a birth announcement—which we said we planned to make and send out after we got home/after we had a chance to catch our breath and put something together. But I guess we weren’t fast enough because my MIL created her own birth announcement, attached the candid photos from the delivery room, and sent it out while we were still recuperating a couple days after the baby was born. She emailed a copy of the announcement, after the fact, with a note saying “Hope this is ok! Here’s what I sent!” I was shocked and didn’t know what to say so I just let it slide.
Negative #3: We are now getting ready for our first in-person visit (my MIL and FIL are older and refuse to fly so we are traveling via airplane—very anxiously—with the baby for the first time.) My MIL just texted us, a week ahead of the trip, with the message that she had planned a surprise “baby shower” for me when I arrived; my MIL invited a bunch of her own friends and relatives ( all strangers to me) and wants me to bring the baby to meet everyone. She included a photo of the invitation, which had already been sent out. I’m furious. I don’t want to spend our visit playing pass the baby with a bunch of strangers and further risk getting the baby sick just so grandma can show off. This “baby shower” clearly isn’t for my benefit or baby’s. I don’t want to be a bitch and ruin the visit/her relationship with my brand-new baby son, but I want this to stop.
—Tired New Mom
Dear Tired New Mom,
Yikes. I don’t blame you at all for being upset, and in fact, I’m feeling some secondhand anger after reading your letter. I want to know what your husband is saying or doing about this. If he’s like, “Get over it! This is just how she is,” then I would go off on him until he understands how out of line his mom’s behavior is. Once he gets it, he should be the one to speak to her, not you. As the mom of a newborn, the last thing you need on your plate is to deal with a meddling MIL, and your husband should know that.
Yes, I understand that your MIL is probably super excited about having a new grandchild, but this is clearly a case of someone who needs to be put in their place. I also understand that doing this isn’t easy and can be extremely uncomfortable, but it’s necessary to inform her that her behavior isn’t acceptable, before this gets worse. For starters, there’s no way in the world I’d allow a bunch of randos to hold, touch, or breathe on my newborn baby—especially since COVID still exists on these streets—so I would have your husband tell his parents that you’re not coming if the baby shower isn’t cancelled. I wouldn’t bend on this at all because they didn’t even have the self-awareness to check with you first! As you mentioned, this is completely self-centered behavior on her part with no regard for the wellbeing of you or your baby.
Assuming they fall in line, the next step would be to call them out on overstepping. Your husband should say something along the lines of, “Look mom—I know you mean well, but you really crossed the line by creating a birth announcement without our consent. This is our story to tell, not yours—and you took away a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity from us. Not to mention, this surprise baby shower is not something we feel comfortable with, and we are not going to participate in it. We love you and we want to have a great relationship with you, but going forward, you must check in with us before making any decision that impacts my wife and baby.”
Remember, setting personal boundaries doesn’t make you a bad person. If you don’t check your MIL now, she may well steamroll you for the rest of your life, and you don’t want that. Hopefully she will get the message, rein in that excitement, and everyone will get along fine.
Dear Care and Feeding,
I recently found out that my wife of 18 years was engaged in an affair with a family friend for the past two years. I made it clear that I want a divorce, and we’re starting the process now. The problem is that we have two kids together (14- and 10-year-old boys). I think they deserve to know the truth about how trashy their mom is, but I’ve also heard advice that it’s not a good idea to do that. I never thought I would be a single dad, but here I am. What do you think?
—Heartbroken and Disgusted
Dear Disgusted,
I’m sorry that you’re going through this, and I bet your signoff only scratches the surface of your true emotions right now. But I cannot stress this enough—no matter how angry you are, do not trash your soon-to-be ex-wife to your children. The main reason is no matter how awful this woman may be, she still is (and always will be) their mother. The adult problems between you and her have nothing to do with them, and you should keep those feelings separate. I personally know a lot of grownups who are in weekly therapy sessions due to having been in the middle of ugly divorces that included trash talking and other toxic nonsense when they were your sons’ ages. If you love your boys (and I know you do), don’t let your emotions get the best of you.
If they ask why you’re getting divorced, just say that you grew apart, and quickly return to the fact that the split has nothing to do with them and that you’re committed to being the best dad you can be. If you want to talk about how horrible she is to your buddies, your therapist, or your divorce attorney, be my guest—just don’t let the kids hear it.
—Doyin
I have recently started nannying for an 11-year-old and an 8-year-old. To say their parents are rules-averse is to put it lightly, but this isn’t my first rodeo, and as long as the kids are safe, I don’t much care how they act. Except for the farting. It is constant. In public, in private, in my car, in the kitchen next to the food I am cooking. I am not deluded, I know kids fart, but this level of farting for children completely capable of controlling it is insane to me.
