My husband's sister invited us for Christmas, and I've told him to go without me. Am I wrong?
Question: "Am I wrong for not wanting to spend Christmas with my husband’s family? My husband and I have been together for eight years and were just married this past summer. At the beginning of our relationship, his sisters and I were super close. I would socialize with them often and everything seemed great, but seemingly overnight something changed.
One of his sisters moved out of state, and when she began returning home to visit, the siblings didn't include me in their plans. When they did invite me, they would always cancel.
Recently, one of his sister’s boyfriends invited us to spend Christmas with them, and I was a little apprehensive. I thought it didn't feel right because my sister-in-law didn't personally invite us, and I always feel left out when all four of his sisters are together. I told my husband I would consider it, but I’ve only spent one Christmas without my family and I felt pretty depressed. (I went to California with his family and it just wasn’t a Christmas for me, so that’s another reason why I said I didn't really want to go.)
I’ve now told him he can go without me, mostly due to the lack of relationship I have with his family and the fact that I always have to put in the effort. Is this the right choice?"
No one wants my grandma at my cousin's wedding. Am I wrong for telling her to stay away?
Help! I haven't talked to my boyfriend's mom in a year, and I'm banned from family events.
Answer: "I know it’s difficult to feel like an outsider with a close-knit family, but I do think you’re being a little unfair to your partner with the decision you’re making.
Relationships are about compromises, and when it comes to the holidays you don’t seem to be making any. You mention that you and your partner have been together for eight years, and you’ve only celebrated Christmas with his family once. That number is a bit skewed in your favor. If my partner refused to spend the holidays with my family after a 7:1 record and despite receiving an invite, I’d be a upset.
Am I wrong to be mad? My sister-in-law ruined the gender reveal for my first baby.
I understand you miss your family during the holidays, but trading off each year or inviting your families to a common place may be a great solution.
Another big issue you’re having seems to be the relationship with your husband's four sisters. While I recognize it's hard to feel like you're unwelcome, you did receive an invite this year. Now it may not have come from in the way you anticipated, but it's perfectly acceptable that your sister-in-law's boyfriend was the one to extend the invitation. I wouldn’t focus so much on that, but rather the fact you may be getting an olive branch and a great opportunity to mend the relationship with them. You mention a lack of relationship and effort on their part, but I will say if you don’t attend you could be firmly shutting the door on improving your connection with your partner's family.
At the end of the day, you have to be happy with your decision and if not attending is the best option for you, you’re making the right choice. I will just say something to consider may be how sustainable this is for the long-term future of your relationship. Strain between partners due to their family of origin is not an uncommon issue, but it can be detrimental.
Wishing you the best,
Morgan
Morgan Absher is an occupational therapist in Los Angeles who hosts the podcast, "Two Hot Takes" where she and her co-hosts dish out advice. She writes a weekly column, sharing her advice with USA TODAY's readers. Find her on TikTok @twohottakes and YouTube here. You can reach her by email at Mabsher@gannett.com or you can click here to share your story with her.
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This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Christmas family drama: Is it OK to celebrate without my husband?
