My idea to end the Biden, McCarthy debt ceiling talks? Make rich kids beg for money.

President Joe Biden and House Speaker Kevin McCarthy are dickering over a deal to raise the federal debt ceiling like two people at a restaurant, one looking to pay for the food they just ate and the other itching to dine and dash.

With a June 1 deadline looming, this interminable standoff has supercharged fears of economic catastrophe.

On Tuesday, The Washington Post reported: “The Treasury Department has asked federal agencies whether they can make upcoming payments at a later date, two people familiar with the matter said, as senior Biden officials search for fresh ways to conserve cash and prevent the U.S. government from facing an unprecedented default.”

A debt ceiling default would be catastrophic. How about a bake sale?

As any loan shark will tell you, the “Hey, look, I’m good for it, but can you just give me until next week?” approach isn’t sustainable, unless the country wants to find itself “accidentally” falling down a flight of stairs.

So what’s next? A bake sale at the U.S. Capitol?

Not to worry. For the sake of the nation and the global economy, I have a surefire plan to keep America afloat while Republicans hold the debt ceiling hostage. All we need are some tin cups and an elite national team of Dickensian paupers.

Surely well-trained paupers can help round up money to pay down the debt

Accurate statements about the debt ceiling such as “this has nothing to do with new spending,” “it allows the federal government to pay debts already incurred” and “you Republicans did this three times when Donald Trump was president and never complained about it” are difficult for the average busy American to understand.

But a waif, clothed in rags with dirty cheeks and a voice barely above a whisper, shaking a tin cup and imploring passersby to “please spare a penny to save the guv’ment”? That tugs at the heartstrings. And nothing brings in cold, hard, debt-default-avoiding cash like widespread heartstring tugging.

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Because proper pauper-ing is a lost art, we’ll have to act fast and Oliver-Twist-up a small army of young actors. I suggest using the children of rich people, since they’re the ones who don’t want their taxes raised to lower the federal debt, thus giving them the most motivation.

Each wealthy family will have to pay the government a reasonable fee to enroll their children in pauper training. I’m thinking $5 million per guttersnipe trainee, a small price for continued tax breaks.

Children of America's wealthy families will make perfect street urchins

The children’s designer clothes will be sold at auction (more money in the coffers!) and replaced with various filthy rags and burlap sacks.

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Next, these patriotic recruits will be taught the basics of begging, from “hollow-eyed stares” to “sorrowful beseeching.” Then, via Zoom training, they’ll be taught key pauper phrases like:

“G’day, mum. The debt ceiling looms and I wonder if you’d give a quarter for me nation?”

“Sorry to bother, good sir, but mights I get a nickel to saves Ameri-cur from fiscal doom?”

“Apologies for me torn trousers, and begging your pardons, missus and misters, but could you finds it in your hearts to spare a dollar for the ol’ U.S. of A. in her time of need?”

Who needs to raise the debt ceiling when paupers can scrounge up the necessary cash?

After that, it’s off to the street corners and sidewalks of every small town and big city in America, gathering whatever the modern-day equivalent of farthings are and buying Biden and McCarthy time to come up with a way to avoid an economic Armageddon of our own making.

It’s time, America. Round up the wealthy children, train them well then shout the order far and wide: “RELEASE THE PAUPERS!”

Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on Twitter @RexHuppke and Facebook facebook.com/RexIsAJerk

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This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Biden, McCarthy continue debt ceiling talks, but there's another way