Jay Greeson: 5-at-10: Friday mailbag with movie theater snacks, sideline reporters, a condiment draft, and why I'm a jerk

·10 min read

Dec. 17—Let's handle our business.

Rushmore of movies with a flower in the title: "Driving Miss Daisy," "Steel Magnolias" — Side question: Did you know that they remade "Steel Magnolias" with an all Black cast in 2012? — "The Best Exoctic Marigold Hotel" and "War of the Roses."

Rushmore of famous sports prognosticators: Jimmy the Greek is far left, even with his breeding comments, right? Lee Corso turned the headgear into a cottage industry, Hank Goldberg, and, while his schtick got old and by all reports he's not a good dude, Chris Berman's 'Swami' became rather iconic.

Rushmore of Bull: Another one that was way tougher than it seemed. First the people version. Bull from Night Court, Bull Meechum (aka The Great Santini), Greg "The Bull" Luzinski, the slugging Phillies left-fielder who hit behind Schmidt in the 1970s and 80s, and Sitting Bull. (With apologies to Carlos Zambrano, who was lovingly called 'El Toro' during his pitching career.) Then there are the pop culture vehicles, with "Bull Durham" — which is far left of every Bull Rushmore — the Chicago Bulls, "Raging Bull" and "Ferdinand the Bull." And there also is the Rushmore of phrases and sayings, like 'Bull(bleep),' 'As useless as (bleeps) on a bull,' 'A bull in a china shop' and of course, Mr. Vernon's all-timer "Mess with the bull, you get the horns," line. Show Dick some respect. Side question: Could "The Breakfast Club" be made in our culture today, and there's no way it would get OK'd with an all-white cast, right? Discuss.

Rushmore of TV/movie Colonels: Col. Nathan R Jessup, Col. Henry Blake, The Colonel from Boogie Nights, and Col. Hans Linda (Christoph Waltz in "Inglorious Basterds"). And that's with apologies to Col. Steve Austin, who was a Six Million Dollar Man, Col. Cedrick Daniels from "The Wire," only the best TV show I've ever watched, Col. Nick Fury and Col. Hannibal Smith of "The A-Team." Wow, who knew it was such a loaded category?

You know the rules. Here's Paschall looking at whether Josh Heupel and the Vols are turning the corner heading into the bowl run.

You still have until noon to enter the 'Bowling for Bowls of Bowl Game Success, Bowler Optional' picks contest. Find the list of games and lines and such here. We have north of 55 entries, but are missing quite a few regulars. Tick-tock. And Senator, love the suit.

To the bag.

From Fat Vader

Here's a potentially fun Rushmore question (that may or may not have been done before): Top movie theatre snacks, because after popcorn it opens up quite a bit. I haven't seen a movie in the last 30 years without a box of Mike and Ike in my hand.

FV —

If we have done this one, I can't remember it. Which also begs the question that if we started this during the last week of October 2010 and are still plugging along this morning, this would be, I believe, our 2,910th consecutive 5-at-10.

And while we did not have a Rushmore every morning for the first few years, we have made it part of the program for a while now. So, if I had to ballpark, we're well north of 1,000 Rushmores in this space and likely closer to 2,000.

So finding ones we have not done on topics that are pertinent and somewhat engaging can be a challenge.

This one counts on both, I believe. First two undeniable truths: Popcorn is, like Vader noted, the MJ of this conversation. Period. Second, I'm not sure I know anyone who goes full-blown eats at the movie theater concession stand. Who goes to the Bijou and loads up on nachos or a couple of cheese dogs?

The theater is made for snacks like Mellow Mushroom is made for pizza. Period, and that's that. Don't tell me how good the sandwich is there. It's a pizza joint. Period. (Yes, the lunch-time calzone is acceptable, but only if you have a nap option later in the day. Egad those things are large.)

But to Vader's question, I'm not sure there is a Rushmore here, because this one is directly personal, and I will not begrudge anyone their personal snack connection in the theater. That's a private choice, that if you want to share great. But I loathe Raisinets, but hey, if that makes your viewing of the next Star Wars vehicle more enjoyable, you be you.

As long as your cellphone is off and your tone is a whisper, I suggest that the darkness of the theater should be a judgment-free zone.

(That said, the Rushmore is popcorn, M&Ms, the soda that comes in a 5-gallon bucket and requires a cosigned loan at the counter, and whatever fruity snack is your preference.)

From SportsFan

Sorry for the long radio silence. Now that the velvet hammer dropped on Auburn after the FBI investigation, when does the hammer fall on Will Wade at LSU and his strong ---- offer? And, when do the Power 5 drop the hammer on the NCAA? Feels like it's getting closer.

SportsFan —

Good to hear from you, my friend.

And I'm not sure the hammer will ever fall on LSU and Will Wade. The Tigers, like Auburn, took some self-imposed penalties and that will likely be the lion's share of the penalties the hollow facade that is the NCAA will levy.

In truth, I think the LSU method of handling this will be the blueprint of dealings in the future. Give yourself a slap on the wrist. Suspend the coach for a conference game/tournament, then loft a middle finger toward Indianapolis and move on about your business.

Plus, the timing for Wade and LSU could not have been better. By refusing to admit anything — even with Wade on tape with his infamous "Strong (bleep) offer" to the recruit — in the moment, LSU has outlasted the NCAA.

Because even though we all know what went down with Wade and Co., how much can the NCAA really punish folks for broken rules three years go that currently are not against the rules.

Wade and an LSU car dealer can make anyone an NIL deal that they think could be a "strong (bleep) offer" these days, right?

From Jeff


Speaking of Michelle Tafoya, you said "she is very good at what she does". What does she do? What meaningful insights have we ever gotten from the sideline reporters? "Coach Smith told me on the way out of the locker room they need to cut down on the turnovers. The defense needs to tighten up and not allow any more big plays. Back to you Joe". Wow, I wasn't thinking about that pick 6 in the first half and how it affected the game and you know, come to think of it, the defense needs to get better if they want to win the game. Tell me more.

... They could stick some flunky down there to poke her head in the injury tent and report back how the RB is doing. Announcer: "The rain is really coming down now. Let's go to Erin down on the field". Erin (under umbrella): "Yeah Joe, it seems to be really picking up. You would expect the field conditions to deteriorate as the game goes on". Fascinating.

You know the coaches hate it, especially when they are losing. Seriously, would we miss a thing if they canned the field girl/guy?

Jeff —

Your email made me think.

There are several things I think good sideline reporters can add if they are doing it right. And in some ways, that job is not overly hard to do but exceedingly hard to do well, if that makes sense.

You have to find things that add insight to the broadcast. Cole Cubelic does this very well for the No. 3 or 4 SEC football crew, and he frequently adds details from eavesdropping on position groups and our catch-player exchanges.

I thought the Fox sideline crew — not sure if it was Erin or the other lady (and yes, having two sideline reporters seems a bit over the top) — got some much-needed information on the Chargers TE who was carted off with a very scary looking head injury last night.

Plus, I am all for making coaches uncomfortable, especially with appropriate questions and intelligent follow-ups.

Your criticisms are valid, but they are valid with sideline reporters like they are with color analysts, play-by-play folks and people who do what I do, too. An analyst telling me that Team X doesn't want to face third-and-long is just as inane and useless as the sideline references you accurately offered.

Finding original details, observations, insights or opinions is not easy, but that's what makes the product and the content valuable.

Personally, I always thought Michele Tafoya consistently brought useful details rather than reused clichés.

But then again, what do I know, other than no team wants to consistently face third-and-long. Back to you Joe.

From Scott

My friend at work got me reading your 5@10 thing and we normally talk about it over lunch. Thanks for what you do. It makes the workday go by faster.

(Wednesday) we were talking about Steph and where he was picked — rumor has it you follow the draft — and started wondering about the draft order of everyday things.

Like what would your draft order be for condiments? Thanks and thanks again for your column, a lot of us look forward to it every day.

Scott —

Thanks so much for the kind words, and thanks for playing along with the silliness.

I got to tell you, I loved this question and yes, spent entirely too much time thinking about it.

Thinking about it like this.

Ketchup is a contender for the top overall spot, and it would be like drafting a future Hall of Fame left tackle. Yes, that's a world-class valuable commodity, but it's pretty basic and while it's a monster for fries and burgers, it's just part of the background for a lot of other options.

Then there is the ranch (and other salad dressings) corollary, and I find it to be a big-play wide receiver that is the best option ever for a certain collection of folks. Yes, it's great and a must-have if your a four-wide team going through wings. But for those who do not need or like ranch, well, they have as much need for the diva WR as a wishbone team does.

Which leads us to a sneaky great condiment — mustard, which is the all-pro pass rusher. And while every team/table wants that all-pro pass rusher there, it's truly not an every-down kind of condiment.

And that brings us to the QB of the condiments, and that's mayonnaise. And that's especially true when you think of how much mayo is used in cooking that you may not even be aware of.

So I was leaning mayo until it hit me.

The top-pick among condiments is butter.


From A reader

Why are you such a (bleep)hole?

A reader —


Have a great weekend friends.