It's probably best that you're sitting down for this.
The National Enquirer threatened to publish Jeff Bezos' dick pics if he didn't rein in his personal investigator, and in response the Amazon CEO posted about it on Medium. AMI later claimed it had "acted lawfully" and would investigate Bezos' allegations.
Taking a page out of Alexander Hamilton's revenge book, he published a lengthy post about the incident and owned up to the nudes he sent, "rather than capitulate to extortion and blackmail."
Once Bezos tweeted a link to the post, it was only a matter of time before the dick pic commentary began.
Some couldn't get over the bizarre scenario.
Bezos Hamilton’d himself. Truly, 2019 is off to a hell of a start.
— Aaron Mehta (@AaronMehta) February 7, 2019
I can't decide what the world deserves more: presidential pee tape or Amazon CEO dick pic. 🤷♀️
— Annalee Newitz (@Annaleen) February 7, 2019
Twitter users also applauded Bezos — shrugging off nudes because you have the money to is truly a baller move.
What’s the point of having fuck you money if you never say fuck you to people blackmailing you over your dick pics.
Good for Bezos.
— Brian Koppelman (@briankoppelman) February 7, 2019
I aspire to one day have “fuck you, publish my dick pics” money. https://t.co/xMBmeejsuV
— Sonny Bunch (@SonnyBunch) February 7, 2019
Bezos after submitting that Medium post. pic.twitter.com/tbBrMgNL8e
— Harry Heymann (@harryh) February 7, 2019
the real fuck-you move would have been to publish the dick pics himself imo
— Ashley Feinberg (@ashleyfeinberg) February 7, 2019
the national enquirer spent months trying to blackmail jeff bezos and he...just...posted on medium https://t.co/Ag7VIY6e3B
— Bobby Lewis (@revrrlewis) February 7, 2019
Jeff Bezos is the angel of death in so many ways but god I fucken love this move so hard
— your friend Helen (@hels) February 7, 2019
What David Pecker failed to realize is that his fuck you money is the money Bezos has in the cushions of his spare couch. https://t.co/V0MziIqCIw
— Derp Digler (@DiglerDerp) February 7, 2019
Others just ... really didn't want to think about a horny billionaire's genitals.
Gonna be so bummed when the Jeff Bezos dick pics come out and he’s hung like a donkey. Real morale killer for the rest of us guys.
— Clue Heywood (@ClueHeywood) February 7, 2019
Covering my bases by working up some draft tweets that can be used if Jeff Bezos’s penis is either good or bad
— who pixelates the boatmen? (@pixelatedboat) February 7, 2019
in retrospect, it is possible the invention of photography was a mistake
— Ariel Edwards-Levy (@aedwardslevy) February 7, 2019
There was an abundance of puns and references to Amazon's somewhat terrifying marketing practices.
People who liked this dick pic also bought...
— David Teicher (@Aerocles) February 7, 2019
Because Mr. Bezos refused to reimburse me for the late shipping on my beef jerky 30 pack I am hereby publishing this photo of his manhood pic.twitter.com/oJNODfaeXt
— Samuel Hammond 🌐🏛 (@hamandcheese) February 7, 2019
There were also reactions to Bezos' use of "complexifier," which probably isn't the word he was trying to use.
“Source of complications” > “complexifier”
— Matthew Yglesias (@mattyglesias) February 7, 2019
I like that he used the word “complexifier,” bc it means that he definitely wrote it himself and is an actual person who would get into a petty argument with a copy editor.
— Emily Nussbaum (@emilynussbaum) February 7, 2019
Jeff Bezos calls his dick “the complexifier”
— Noah Hurowitz (@NoahHurowitz) February 7, 2019
I am a complexifier of my own life
— Tom Tomorrow (@tomtomorrow) February 8, 2019
I would be less ashamed of the dick pics than of using the word "complexifier"
— Daniel Radosh (@danielradosh) February 7, 2019
Dibs on The Complexifier, a Jason Statham action thriller about a billionaire who goes rogue to destroy an evil tabloid who violated the rules of Journalism
— kang👎 (@jaycaspiankang) February 7, 2019
UPDATE: Feb. 8, 2019, 9:28 a.m. EST This story has been updated to include statement from AMI.