Jimmy Kimmel: 'Dolphins at Sea World have busier days than Trump'

Late-night hosts ridiculed Donald Trump’s reportedly busy schedule while discussing his latest social media attacks.

Jimmy Kimmel

On Jimmy Kimmel Live, the host spoke about Jennifer Williams, an aide to Mike Pence who was one of a number of listeners on the Ukraine call. “There were more people listening in on this call than there were at his inauguration,” he said.

Trump then attacked her on Twitter calling her a Never Trumper, despite the fact she works at the White House. “It’s like calling the Hamburglar a vegetarian. It’s ridiculous,” he said.

Over the weekend, Trump took an unscheduled visit to the hospital, which his people have claimed is because he had a down day and wanted to get ahead with his next physical. “Every day is a down day,” Kimmel joked.

He then showed a sample day of the president’s schedule which had just two afternoon meetings. “The dolphins at Sea World have busier days than our president,” he said.

Trump is also apparently strongly considering whether he wants to testify during the impeachment hearings. “The only thing he ever strongly considers is original or extra crispy,” he said.

Stephen Colbert

On The Late Show, Stephen Colbert said that 70% of Americans agree that what Trump has done with Ukraine is wrong. “It’s nearly impossible to get 70% of Americans to agree on anything,” he said. “The only other thing I can think of is don’t eat Taco Bell before getting on a rollercoaster.”

He also joked about recently unearthed information indicating that Gordon Sondland said to Trump that he could get the Ukrainian president, Volodymyr Zelenskiy, to do whatever he wants because “he loves your ass”. “Oh, who doesn’t?” Colbert joked over a shot of Trump in tennis shorts. “That’s like two hams stuck in a surgical glove.”

Related: John Oliver: irritate Trump, fill out your 2020 census form

Marie Yovanovitch, the former US ambassador to the Ukraine, has said that Rudy Giuliani was trying to target her in a smear campaign. “If there’s one thing Rudy Giuliani knows it’s how to destroy a reputation,” he said. “So far, just his but he burned that mother to the ground.”

Trevor Noah

On the Daily Show, Trevor Noah spoke about the unscheduled hospital visit, saying that while we have questioned the health of other candidates, Trump has remained “freakishly healthy”.

Rumours concerning the specifics of the trip have been swirling, including some questioning whether it could be a stroke. “How would you even be able to tell?” he said. “Because the symptoms of a stroke are slurred speech, confusion and erratic behaviour. For Trump, that’s a Tuesday.”

He continued: “If Trump starts speaking normally that’s when Melania should call an ambulance.”

But given how the impeachment hearings have been going, Noah said: “It wouldn’t be surprising if he had a panic attack.”

Noah then brought up the much-discussed call between Sondland and Trump that a US embassy official listened in on. “Not because Trump is on speakerphone but because Trump is a human speakerphone,” he said.

Noah also couldn’t help making a joke about the comment suggesting that Zelenskiy loved Trump’s ass. “We all thought Trump’s leverage over Ukraine was military aid. Turns out, it’s that ass,” he joked.

Seth Meyers

On Late Night, Seth Meyers detailed the six men linked to Trump who have now been convicted of a crime. “Who among us doesn’t have six work friends who are also criminals,” he said.

He also brought up Trump’s attack on Yovanovitch with Trump tweeting that everywhere she went things turned sour. “Everywhere she went turned bad?” Meyers said. “You’ve gone bankrupt six times and botched everything from casinos to your charity to your dumbass businesses.”

He joked about Trump’s failed vodka. “Only Trump could take something that’s supposed to be flavourless and make it taste like shit,” he quipped.

Meyers said the timing of the tweet, during Yovanovitch’s testimony, was “like punching the bailiff during your assault trial”.

He joked: “At this point he should just do DVD director’s commentary during the proceedings.”

Meyers concluded with a reference to the Republican refusal to admit wrongdoing in the face of overwhelming evidence. “Republicans won’t budge unless we have a photo of Trump on the phone with a word bubble coming out of his mouth saying ‘I am doing a crime now,’” he said.