Jimmy Kimmel: ‘You know who I’d like Bill Gates to date? Kim Kardashian’
Jimmy Kimmel
Bill Gates and his wife Melinda, who have a combined fortune of at least $134bn, announced their divorce on Monday after 27 years of marriage. “When you’re that rich, why do you even need to get divorced?” asked Jimmy Kimmel on Tuesday evening. “Can’t they just live in separate wings?
“Who would you date if you were Bill Gates?” he wondered. “There’s only one person you know for sure isn’t in it for the money, and that’s Jeff Bezos. Imagine if those two got married.
“You know who I’d like to see Bill Gates date? Kim Kardashian,” Kimmel added. “They’d sell so much lipliner, the likes would be through the roof.
“You hate to see anyone split up, especially after 27 years, but the good news is that since Melinda is fully vaccinated, Bill will still be able to track her wherever she goes,” he joked, referencing some of the more outrageous anti-vax conspiracy theories.
Kimmel then discussed the future of Covid vaccines, as researchers develop alternative methods of delivery, such as a spray or pill, instead of a shot.
“Wouldn’t it be funny if all these anti-vaxxers suddenly decide to get the vaccine because it turns out all this time they were just scared of needles?” Kimmel said. “I’m waiting for the vaccine to come in a can of Monster energy drink.”
Trevor Noah
The Biden administration announced this week that Pfizer vaccines will soon be available for children between the ages of 12 and 15. “This is going to be a huge step forward for kids who are sick of Zoom class and want to get back to being sick of actual class,” said Trevor Noah on Tuesday’s Daily Show.
Being able to get the corona vaccine will allow teenagers to go back to doing normal teenager stuff again, like going to school, seeing their friends, and getting Venmo’d by Matt Gaetz. pic.twitter.com/7Z4HyCkqzG
— The Daily Show (@TheDailyShow) May 5, 2021
“This can’t come soon enough, man. I mean, it is so important for the young population to get re-engaged in society,” continued. “And it’s so important for my self-confidence to have five hours in the day when I’m not getting my ass handed to me by some nine-year-old on War Zone.”
Most importantly, “this vaccine will allow teenagers to go back to doing normal teenage stuff again – you know, like going to school, seeing their friends, getting Venmoed by Matt Gaetz.”
Noah also laughed at a photo released by the White House this week of Joe and Jill Biden visiting Jimmy Carter, 96, and his wife Rosalynn, 93, at their home in Georgia, in which the Bidens appear to eerily tower over the miniature-sized Carters.
“Is there some dollhouse filter that I didn’t know about?” Noah wondered.
“This is the weirdest picture of a president since any picture of Donald Trump,” he added. “But I’m not hating – please don’t get me wrong. I think it is great to see presidents of different generations coming together to make me think that I’m on shrooms.”
Seth Meyers
On Late Night, Seth Meyers addressed the White House decision this week to raise the annual refugee limit to 62,500 people. “Also rising: Tucker Carlson’s blood pressure,” Meyers said.
Biden also visited an elementary school in Virginia and asked students what they wanted to be when they grew up. “Said students, ‘covered by a healthcare plan that isn’t tied to my employment,’” Meyers joked.
Meyers also touched on the Gates divorce news. “Apparently it was an accumulation of lots of little things, like how Bill would never empty the recycling,” he said over a Windows recycling icon.
And in other tech news, a new report found the number of customers who subscribed to AOL’s dial-up internet service was in the low thousands, “which is also their average age”, Meyers quipped.
Jimmy Fallon
And on the Tonight Show, Jimmy Fallon also riffed on the Bidens’ weird photo with the Carters. “That looks like a second-grader made a presidential diorama,” he joked, saying the Carters looked like “retired puppets”.
“I learned two things from the photo: that the two families are very close, and Biden is the size of Jason Momoa,” he added.
Fallon also poked fun at Biden’s flubbing of the announcement of a government website for vaccination appointments, calling it “vaccines dot gum, dot com, dot gum”.
“The website is Wrigley, Wrigley, Wrigley dot vaccines dot gum,” joked Fallon. “The White House is like: ‘Dammit, somebody buy vaccines dot gum right now, stat!
“It’s either Pfizer, Moderna, or Bubbalicious, that’s your choice.”
And as states prepare to open vaccination appointments to children aged 12-15, the New Jersey governor, Phil Murphy, introduced a “shot and beer” program that would provide a free beer for those who receive the shot.
“Which is why every 15-year-old just said they want to get vaccinated in New Jersey,” Fallon quipped.
