Donald Trump's "former bodyguard is the latest member of the Trump Organization to be investigated by New York prosecutors," Jimmy Fallon said on Tuesday's Tonight Show, "and I'm not making this up, the guy's name is Matthew Calamari." He showed a picture of Calamari and nodded. "He looks like a bouncer at Olive Garden," he joked. "No word yet on Trump's other bodyguards, Johnny Meatballs, Vinnie Calzone, and Sammy Shrimp Scampi."
"Matthew Calamari sounds like a name a cop makes up when he's undercover at Olive Garden," with his "buddy, Larry Unlimited Breadsticks," Stephen Colbert added at The Late Show. Trump is accused of "giving Calamari perks in exchange for his loyalty — that is a clear squid pro quo," he joked. "You know the world is upside-down when the Calamari are ordering lawyers for the whole table."
We also just learned that Trump "wanted his Justice Department to stop SNL from teasing him," Colbert said. "We knew the ex-pres was mad about SNL — he tweeted about them a few times, in between his more important work of calling porn stars 'horse-faced.' But behind the scenes he asked advisers and lawyers what the Federal Communications Commission, the courts systems, and the DOJ could do to probe Jimmy Kimmel and 'other late-night comedy mischief-makers.'"
"Folks, this is dangerous, disturbing, un-American, and why do I get lumped in with other 'comedy mischief-makers'?" Colbert said. "All due respect to my friend James Tiberius Kimmel, but if the DOJ thugs are kicking down doors to round up the late-night chuckleheads to drag us off to Mar-a-Gulago to be assassinated, I should get more than 'and the rest!' ... My name should be in lights on the stadium where they're executing us for our terrible impressions of him."
"I don't want him probing me," Kimmel protested on Kimmel Live. "I'd be like, 'Alec Baldwin's the one you want, he dressed up as you!'" But seriously, "President Snowflake asked to send the authorities in to stop us from making fun of him," he marveled. "Not only that, he wanted Guillermo to pay for the wall."
"Basically, Trump wanted to turn the Department of Justice" into "a goon squad," because "he can't take a joke," Kimmel said, adding that he definitely didn't buy Trump's late-afternoon denial. "Anyway, thanks for watching, Mr. Former President. I'll send you a hoodie if you like. You still a XXXL?"