Every time you think things can't get worse, somehow, remarkably, they do. This week we can thank the CATS trailer for that. It's a deranged phantasmagoria of sexualised cats, Tokyo Drift lighting, and truly demented anatomical impossibilities. Directed by Tom Hooper (who should have been banned from musicals after Les Miserables) and starring a cavalcade of big names including Jennifer Hudson, Idris Elba, Judi Dench, Ian McKellan, and Taylor Swift, our shared nightmare hits theatres December 20, 2019.
If you can't stomach the trailer, here's what you need to know: the film is an adaptation of of Andrew Lloyd Weber's musical of the same name, the fourth longest-running show on Broadway, which itself was derived from a T.S. Eliot book of children's poetry, Old Possum's Book of Practical Cats. Plot isn't this musical's strong suit, but what little story there is follows a tribe of felines named the Jellicles, who gather once a year to select one of their own for rebirth as a younger, sexier cat.
Hooper's adaptation is the film we deserve in 2019, seemingly plucked from the mind of someone with a fever who improbably decided to drop acid and play with some cats. The trailer features cats with human fingers, cats in opulent fur coats, and bafflingly small cats that seem borrowed from Alice in Wonderland.
Like the horrifying Sonic the Hedgehog trailer, Twitter was absolutely aghast with what Universal has wrought with Cats. Even Jordan Peele thinks the trailer works a lot better with his unsettling horror version of "I Got Five On It" from Us.
in a way, i'm glad grumpy cat never had to see this— Dave Itzkoff (@ditzkoff) July 18, 2019
"Did I... make this?" - Terry Gilliam watching the CATS trailer— Richard Lawson (@rilaws) July 18, 2019
Every cat in Cats is stuck halfway through their morph pic.twitter.com/6vOzm1xeds— Hillary Busis (@hillibusterr) July 18, 2019
why do the cats in the new Cats movie look like bad Medieval cat paintings lmao pic.twitter.com/mIHbJbrIhi— rae paoletta (in 🇨🇱) (@PAYOLETTER) July 18, 2019
The 'Cats' trailer but with the 'Annihilation' score pic.twitter.com/MIFUsjylzR— Bob Marshall (@bobmarshall) July 18, 2019
CATS (2019), dir. Tom Hooper pic.twitter.com/yDwSVt466D— 𝕄𝕚𝕔𝕙𝕒𝕖𝕝 𝕊𝕨𝕒𝕣𝕥𝕫 (@MrMichaelSwartz) July 19, 2019
nobody involved in making this movie knows how large or small at cat is pic.twitter.com/AH2wS17HNu— Megan Lasher (@MeganLasher) July 18, 2019
somehow the people in Cats look more nude than if they were actually nude, and it's weird as hell. pic.twitter.com/vw8vtsIAUa— Gavia Baker-Whitelaw (@Hello_Tailor) July 18, 2019
I don't know why you're all freaking out over miniature yet huge cats with human celebrity faces and sexy breasts performing a demented dream ballet for kids.— Louis Virtel (@louisvirtel) July 18, 2019
Trump released the Cats trailer to distract from Epstein— Megan Amram (@meganamram) July 18, 2019
Why do some of the cats have big globular tits and others don’t. That’s all I have on this one, guys.— Joel Kim Booster (@ihatejoelkim) July 18, 2019
guess you could say the cats trailer gave me paws— Alexandra Petri (@petridishes) July 18, 2019
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