The Kardashians Just Realized They’re All Going to Die

So far, The Kardashians Season 2 has gotten off to a slow and depressing start, rife with paternity drama and Kris Jenner’s health woes. But there’s nothing to regain our attention like Kim’s disgusting revelation in this week’s cold open that she shagged Pete Davidson in front of a fireplace. (This is said directly to Grandma MJ, who is apparently a proponent of fireplace sex).

This extremely chaotic hour of television is strangely anchored by Davidson and his space odyssey with Jeff Bezos, which was ultimately canceled due to scheduling conflicts. Somehow, there are more otherworldly shenanigans happening, like Kris’s mission to buy Khloe a pet peacock with the help of a hilarious Martha Stewart. This family of cyborgs also has an unusually frank discussion about aging.

In other news, we get a behind-the-scenes look at Kim’s Variety interview gone wrong and the business advice heard ‘round the world. We’re also forced to learn about another one of Kendall’s boring passions against our will: flipping mansions that are already in good shape.

Still, the majority of this episode manages to be deeply entertaining and lawl-worthy. Let’s dive in!

Kyndall: This was a surprisingly existential episode of The Kardashians, wouldn’t you say? A lot of talk about space and time.

Coleman: I’d have to agree. I’ve never seen this bunch quite so focused on the concepts of aging, legacy, and mortality. And I don’t just mean Khloé riding around in the background of the opening scene on her grandmother’s scooter, which was equally jarring and hysterical. Kim’s comment about Kris being “the type of woman to put a bunch of marbles in a jar and say, ‘This is how many Christmases I have left…’” rocked me to my core. It was like Carole Radziwill on RHONY constantly reminding us she only had five good summers remaining.

Kyndall: Oh, the death marbles revelation was extremely dark. I can’t imagine being that rich and purposely counting down my years. We should say that this conversation about aging occurs when Kris tells Kim, Khloé and MJ that she needs a hip replacement surgery. For some reason, Kris, who’s almost 70, believes she’s too young to need hip surgery, which makes me wonder how long she thinks she’ll live. Her daughters also couldn’t be more uncomfortable having an honest discussion about getting older. The close-ups on their faces took me out.

‘The Kardashians’ and the Case of Kris Jenner’s Incredible Weed High

Coleman: As someone who is cripplingly afraid of death as well, I could relate to our Kristen. But I loved Khloé, as always, being a realist. “I’m sorry that you feel like this, and no one’s trying to invalidate it, but the sooner you get it done the better” is exactly what Kris needed to hear—especially because she literally has Walt Disney money to keep herself frozen on ice for centuries until the time comes for her to be defrosted when we move to the moon. I appreciated that Khloé had the guts to tell Kris to stop being so brutally mean to herself.

Kyndall: Me too. Kris is a clinical Debbie Downer. She’s also practically a billionaire for Christ’s sake. Just go to the fucking hospital, get your hip fixed and continue living your privileged life! At the very least, you won’t have to worry about a huge medical bill like most of America.

But let’s move on to another mortality storyline: Pete Davidson’s trip to space! I love how subtly melodramatic this subplot was. I kept imagining Kim as Claire Foy in First Man every time she brought up the prospect of her boyfriend leaving earth and never coming back.

Coleman: Kim suggesting that they watch Armageddon together because she thought it was a love story about space really got me. She just heard “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing” and made up her mind. I also appreciate Pete’s casual demeanor about the whole thing, noting that he wasn’t frightened of having the cellular matter of his body launched into orbit because his personal life is scarier. I would certainly say the same thing if I had Kanye West sending me cryptic text messages at all hours of the night.

Kyndall: That was one of the realest statements that has ever been uttered on this show. Thank you, Pete. Speaking of Kanye, we also get our first glimpse into the post-divorce drama over Chicago’s birthday party, which he claims he was banned from. I immediately got the impression that Kim doesn’t want to go into detail about her issues with her ex on the show. In the final season of Keeping Up, she made it seem like the main problem in their marriage was that he moved around too much, which I took as a more polite way of saying that he behaves erratically.

Coleman: She’s definitely being reserved about it, and rightfully so. I think her main concern is for her kids in this situation, which leads to even more dark statements. It was technically during her discussion with Khloé about the chaos surrounding the Variety interview—our reason for the season, of sorts—but I felt it applied to her life as a whole when she said, “It won’t end until—I don’t even want to say it—we end.”

Kyndall: Oh, totally. I wasn’t really buying that the Variety flub was the worst thing Kim was experiencing at the moment. I also don’t believe that Kim was that concerned about offending the women of the Internet when she’s had some many bigger scandals that she seems to just brush off. Kendall, Khloé, and Kris didn’t seem to even register the controversy at all.

Coleman: They couldn’t seem to care less at their strange power luncheon where everyone but Kendall was dressed like fucking Blade. Their commitment to wearing floor-length, black leather trench coats in the Los Angeles heat is so wild to me. I know it smells crazy in that restaurant.

But also, am I the only one that remembers Kim implying that the Variety interviewer was baiting her “get your fucking ass up and work” answer with a question about being famous for nothing? We saw it play out moment for moment in this episode! I think she was mad more about the quote being turned from what it was (ridiculous meme fodder) into something that anyone took seriously.

Kyndall: From what we see, the interviewer asks them about being labeled “famous for nothing” (Like it’s 2008! Who says this about them anymore??) after Kim gives her business advice. I guess no one cares enough, at this point, to do some crafty editing to support Kim’s alibi. Her tone, however, does seem really strange and out-of-place watching the clip.

In hindsight though, I think we can all agree that this wasn’t Kim’s worst offense. Like she explains, I think her advice was aimed towards a specific echelon of corporate girl-bosses or influencers like herself—not, I don’t know, domestic workers!

Coleman: Exactly! I don’t think Kim Kardashian thinks that she and her surgically perfected cohorts are the only ones who are really working. Kendall is, however, trying her damndest to prove that she has multiple gigs, as she’s now moving into the lucrative(?) business of house flipping with one of her friends. To quote my boyfriend, “Who would want to buy property from these two buffoons?”

Kyndall: Buffoons, they are. And boring ones, at that! Kendall loves to tell us that she’s passionate about something every week and in the vaguest terms. It’s almost like she’s trying to manifest these imaginary creative qualities to make herself appear slightly less boring. For instance, she wants us to believe that she has an affinity for interior design but then jokes to her friend Fai that her attention to something as basic as lighting is “nerdy”??

Coleman: A model unconcerned about lighting is very fishy to me. Almost like that person doesn’t really care about modeling in the first place. I wouldn’t let her within a yard of my property, but I would trust her with marketing, as she cleverly had a bottle of 818 on display at Kim’s vampire hunter power lunch.

Her product placement was giving me early RHONY, Skinnygirl-wrapped Volkswagen—but she learned from the best! She peacocked that bottle while Kris (potentially hopped up on more edibles for her hip pain) summoned Martha Stewart to her home to procure an actual peacock for Khloé.

Kyndall: I can’t believe we’ve talked this long without mentioning maybe the most arbitrary set of events Kris Jenner has ever orchestrated. This episode was so peacock-heavy that I had to remind myself that this program airs on Hulu and not the NBC streaming app. The whole subplot seemed like some ham-fisted native marketing scheme!

Coleman: That would’ve been a remarkable tie-in. The hooting and hollering I was doing in front of my television seeing Martha Stewart and her thin pin legs roll up to Kris’ estate must be the way people feel when one of their little Marvel heroes makes a cameo in a movie outside their franchise. Kris and Martha’s chemistry was in the toilet, but Martha did take the opportunity to chide her about getting that damn hip replacement. All before unrolling some 8x10 photos of peacocks she had xeroxed at Kinko’s.

Kyndall: She really delivered some great lines throughout this cameo. “I’ve brought you pictures of my peacocks” was remarkable. (Although, RIP to all six of them). And I absolutely lost it when she sits next to Khloé at a table and goes, “I don’t read and watch all the stuff. So do you have a husband?”

Coleman: I nearly spat out my orange wine. Khloé is continuously retraumatized again and again all for our entertainment. She’s really our little jester. I thought that was capped in a beautifully stupid—and ironic!—twist when, later at a peacock farm, Khloé is handed a bird and immediately lets go of it, letting it fly away into a nearby tree. That’s got to be some kind of cosmic metaphor for her breaking free of Tristan. The Nelly Furtado of it all.

Kyndall: That’s a beautifully poetic way to frame Khloé losing a peacock farmer probably about a million dollars. But also, what gives this random man the right to imprison these gorgeous creatures? In the end, I was happy for Khloé and the bird for living life on their own terms!

Sibling Superlatives:

Most Startling Quote: Kim’s business counsel may have gotten her in trouble on Twitter, but I couldn’t help but wince at another soundbite from that infamous Variety interview. Kourtney says Kris always tells them to “never take no for an answer.” (Problematic). And Khloe follows up, with the most stone-cold face, “Well, if someone’s telling you no, you’re asking the wrong person.” (Bone-chilling). These women are very into appearing like the mob lately, and they’re too powerful now for it to come off as a joke!

Most Shady Lady Dig: This extremely esteemed prize goes to Mary Jo Shannon aka MJ aka Kris Kardashian’s mother—who, by the grace of God—is still as sharp as a stack. Khloé suggests that Kris get a bunch of plastic surgery done while she’s under for her hip replacement, saying, “Have them just go in there like a NASCAR cockpit.” MJ quickly corrects her, telling her that a cockpit is on a plane. “[Where the pilot sit] with the copilot…and sometimes, a stewardess!” For those who don’t know, Kris Jenner was an American Airlines flight attendant pre-fame. Dragged by your own mother while your hip is in searing pain? Beyond savage.

Strongest Sister of the Week: This week’s medal goes to the incessantly put-upon Khloé. It’s a lot to be ambushed by Martha Thee Stewart and immediately pressured into buying a 12-pound exotic bird for the sake of a silly storyline. But she handled this Brady Bunch-ass narrative with grace and managed to free an imprisoned animal from the Tiger King of Peacocks.

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