‘The Kardashians’ Recap: Kim Kardashian Wants to Make Kris Jenner’s Bones Into Jewelry

Hear that clanging in the distance? No, it’s not the silver bells of the holiday season right around the corner, silly. It’s the echoing of the surgeons at Docs Spine + Orthopedics pounding away at Kris Jenner’s hips with meat tenderizers.

After spending the first four episodes of The Kardashians Season 2 in immense hip pain, the day has finally come for Kris Jenner’s big hip replacement surgery. And while there’s nothing too graphic, just seeing the sheer force at work and the cacophonous sounds of metal against bone is something we’re not used to in a show where the decibel level never exceeds a 1 on the Vocal Fry Scale.

But after Kris’ surgery (and some disturbing revelations on the status of her bones post-op), we’re thrust right back into the action. This week, we’re learning more about the anxiety each Kardashian-Jenner faces. Postpartum anxiety, paparazzi anxiety, even private pool anxiety! Life isn’t all a walk in the park for these ladies, but it is a flight on a private plane (ironically, no one has anxiety over dying in the tin can death trap, go figure).

From the operating table, over to the Vegas strip, and down to the sandy beaches of Miami, let’s dive into Episode 5.

Kyndall: So we start this week’s episode tying up some loose threads. We get a warning that we’re about to see some graphic surgery footage. It says a lot that I couldn’t immediately remember which one of these cyborgs’ procedures it was in reference to. But of course, it’s Kris and her busted hip. Cut to the loudest, most jarring footage of a surgeon hammering her hip bone with the force of Thor!

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Coleman: Thor…Oh. My. God. I was screaming. The dramatic *DONG* of the bell toll over the surgery-warning was so funny (and also needed). A dark omen of what was to come. They were banging on her bones like she was an old grandfather clock they found dumped on the side of the road. When you think surgery you think incision, not fucking Whack-A-Kris.

Kyndall: It truly felt like a scene out of Looney Tunes. We also get some more mortality talk when Kris is in recovery. Apparently, she and Kylie were supposed to go shopping for a mausoleum, which I think would be a great sequel to their surreal grocery store/car wash trip in Season 1. We need this filmed! We also learn from Khloé that being cremated apparently goes against the Bible? I was raised Christian, and I had never heard this!

Coleman: I was also raised Christian and I had some vague memory of it, but I don’t think anyone takes it seriously. Do you remember in Keeping Up when Kris went coffin shopping and made her kids take pictures of her pretending to be dead, and they had to ask her to stop because it was freaking them out? I’ll never forget.

Kris being wheeled out of the operating room and saying, “I don’t remember the surgery at all!” was so funny to me. Like, I would hope not! And then she says, “Kim asked the doctor to save her bones so she could make jewelry.” Miss Bones and All over here, damn. A freak off the leash.

Kyndall: LOL. Yes, Kris. I would hope you didn’t feel your pelvis broken apart and beat with a mallet for several hours! Also, I weirdly appreciated that side note about Kim wanting Kris’ bones. I’m slightly relieved to know that her excitement about owning some of Marilyn Monroe’s hair may not have been totally rooted in this gross objectification. I think she’s just a sicko who loves dead body parts.

But anyway, let’s move onto Kylie, who makes another fruitless appearance at the Kylie Cosmetics headquarters. She tells Kendall (and us) that she has the “baby blues” and couldn’t stop crying for six weeks after giving birth. Apparently, that time frame is what differentiates it from postpartum depression. Although, Kylie is very excited to use the word “postpartum” or, excuse me, “PP!” in this scene. She says it 20 times, like a middle-aged mom discovering new slang.

Coleman: All respect to anyone who’s dealing with postpartum anything. But please, I beg of you, don’t refer to it as “PP.” It sounds so vile. Kendall conveniently uses Kylie’s baby blues to try to give her sister a boost by inviting her to an 818 Tequila event in Vegas. Kylie’s response of, “I would love to support you and your 818, Kendall,” wasn’t remotely natural, but she’s dealing with a lot, so it’s fine she’s not off-book. This Vegas event is also the catalyst for this episode’s cross-sister theme: Anxiety.

Kyndall: Ah, the word on everyone’s lips. It’s been my belief for a while that rich people all learned the term “anxiety” at the same time. I don’t doubt that they experience it to some degree, like most of us (except they have tons of money to make them feel better). But the Kardashians really can’t shut up about having it like it’s a new Birkin or something.

But yes, the remainder of the episode bifurcates into two separate trips. Kim goes to Miami to launch her LEGO-inspired SKIMS swimwear line with Khloé. And Kendall, along with her celebrity cronies Hailey Beiber and Justine Skye, promotes 818 in Las Vegas. And I have to say it was one of the most underwhelming promotional events I’ve ever seen. She did a step-and-repeat for five seconds and hid out in a hut. Did the people hanging out at that pool even know they were in the presence of a Jenner?

Coleman: I, however, was screaming with delight at the Miami trip, simply because I was a Kourtney and Kim Take Miami-head (for Seasons 1 and 2). When they landed and said, “I’m getting flashbacks to when we used to live here,” I screamed, “To when you took Miami!” And Khloé telling Kim, “I don’t really remember [when I visited],” which true Take Miami fans know is because she railed five Cortadito coffees after becoming obsessed with them and drove a moped through a caffeine haze at 5am, looking for her fix. That also spawned the, “She’s deaf, you bitch” meme. But I digress.

Kyndall: Unfortunately, on this trip, there’s a lot less raging. The women try their best to turn up after Kim’s boring (and oddly cramped) Skims dinner. But apparently, Kim edits every single Getty Image of herself before they’re published, which had to take approximately 3 hours total.

Coleman: Kyndall, that was so scary. Just the amount of work involved in that, how exhausting it must be to feel like you can never be off. And it just simply isn’t necessary or conducive to producing good work,—surely she could expedite this somehow. But she’s so protective over every last element of this brand—probably because investors are lying to her and telling her that Skims are on the level of “Apple and Nike.” That can’t possibly be true, right? But regardless, she just doesn’t need to do that level of hands-on work. That’s probably why she has so much anxiety!

Kyndall: I’m not gonna lie. Kim subtly comparing herself to Steve Jobs was kind of iconic. All corporations suck at the end of the day, so why not? She’s also been embracing a Black mock turtleneck in several of her confessional looks.

But yes. These women love going to the most extreme lengths to appear perfect and go on and on about their anxiety like it’s some big mystery where it comes from! It was also interesting to watch Kim appear more stressed about these pics than the $100 million defamation trial looming over her family, which was a great distillation of the sort of power they have.

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Coleman: I think this was their first mention of the Blac Chyna lawsuit so far this season, and it was so brief but electrifying. They’re all great at keeping a poker face when up against these things, except for Khloé, who was shut down by Kris after briefly mentioning Rob’s deposition. As someone who recently rewatched all of Keeping Up…, I think the defamation portion of the lawsuit is wild, as she was barely ever on the show. But I’m glad she’s doing it, at least for our entertainment, and I pray Kris doesn’t keep shutting down any on-camera discussion of the proceedings. I want the gossip!

Kyndall: I support anyone demanding millions of dollars from the Kardashian empire. But we all knew that it would be hard for Chyna to claim that her reality career was damaged by the Kardashians because she got that Zeus network show where her famous “cut the cameras—deadass” meme comes from. It’s no Ryan Seacrest production, but it was certainly a reality show.

Coleman: Their relationship was never meant to last, unlike Kourtney and Travis, the soulmates who tie up this episode by tying the knot in Vegas. We’ll learn more next week about their “shocking” nuptials, meaning Kourtney is going to have to be on camera for more than five minutes. Let’s hope takes a Concerta and washes it down with Red Bull beforehand, because I’m not trying to fall asleep now that the season has finally picked up.

Sibling Superlatives

Strangest Luxury Item: I was very startled to find out that Kim Kardashian has a sparkly silver laptop cover. I get that sequins and metallics are having a moment again. But does she not know how 2008 it is to bedazzle an electronic accessory? I’m constantly going to Starbucks and other cafes where people are working on laptops, and I don’t think I’ve ever seen one of these in the wild.

Most Boring Celebrity Cameo: After an otherworldly encounter with Martha Stewart last episode, it was a bummer to return this week to some many bland celebrity appearances. It’s a tough pick between Hailey Bieber, who said a bunch of words I don’t remember, and some man named Zack Bia, who’s apparently a popular DJ. But I’m going to hand it to Zack, whose presence at Kendall’s Carbone dinner even prompted her to ask “why are you here?”

Most Pleasantly Nostalgic Throwback: Kim and Khloé’s 2022 pilgrimage to Miami may have been lackluster, missing the scrappiness of Kim and Kourtney’s three-season spin-off back in the early days when these girls still had to (pretend to) hustle, but it was nice to see the sisters in familiar territory. We’ll take any opportunity to remember Khloé Face Phase 1, drenched in a manic, caffeine-craving terror. Or the haunting, indie singer/songwriter theme song that Brandon Jenner and his then-wife recorded. Hulu even did right by us, throwing a few thousand dollars at the wall to license LMFAO’s “I’m in Miami Bitch” for one scene in this episode. If we could just go back to the time where all anyone cared about was shouting “YOLO” and getting crunk on wine coolers.

Strongest Sister: We’re pulling a coup this week and awarding this to our Momager, Kris Jenner. Not technically a sister, but we’re breaking the rules like those doctors were breaking every bone in her body. Seriously, they were grinding those things into dust. But she came back stronger than ever, thanks to a walker and some pain meds! Anyone willing to let themselves be filmed taking Geppetto’s mallet to the femur deserves some extra praise.

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