Kate Bosworth’s divorce announcement mirrored my surprisingly loving break-up
Kate Bosworth announced her split from husband of eight years Michael Polish in a way many found surprising. Instead of the usual barbs, insults, and acrimony accompanying the vast majority of Hollywood divorces, her Instagram announcement read more like a love letter. And while it was a bit gushy at times, Bosworth’s statement felt more authentic and less self-conscious than Gwyneth Paltrow’s “conscious uncoupling” from Chris Martin a few years back.
As someone who broke up with my own great love just before the pandemic began, a lot of what Bosworth said hit me on a visceral level. “Our hearts are full, as we have never been so enamored and deeply grateful for one another as we do in this decision to separate,” she wrote. And later: “In the process of letting go, we have come to acknowledge that our love will never end. The connection does not simply disappear. The love deepens, the heart expands.”
I agree, though some years back I might not have.
I’ve never been great at relationships, and for most of my twenties and thirties, I’d feel somewhat claustrophobic when pressed for a romantic commitment. And so, when I met my now-ex, I assumed it would be fun or friendship, but never anything lasting. He proved me wrong.
Mark pursued me in a way that was neither creepy nor overwhelming; it was simply with a great sense of assuredness we were meant to be together. At first I humored him. After all, between his two divorces and my two broken engagements, it was clear we weren’t a duo great at commitment. And somehow that calmed me, or at least it distracted me enough to let my guard down and allowed me to quickly fall head-over-heels for him.
When we first started dating, Mark told me that in relationships he lived by the campfire rule. As the adage goes, when camping, you’re meant to leave the campsite better than you found it. Since he was significantly older than me, Mark felt responsible to ensure that if and when we parted, he would try his best to assure that I would be better for the experience. And in many ways, I am.
A healer by profession, Mark always made a point of checking in on me to see how I was doing emotionally or otherwise. His care extended to my family as well, and we all came to rely on having an emergency physician in the family tending to whatever ailed us. It felt safe and right for so many years.
Well, not all the time.
When we worked as a couple, Mark and I worked so well it was hard to believe there was ever a time before we were an us. And when we were together, we brought consistent joy to each other’s lives. It was when we were apart, though, that things often fell apart.
Unlike Kate Bosworth, I won’t sugarcoat the agony of my breakup. Just shy of our eighth anniversary, things fell apart spectacularly — so much so that I told Mark never to call me again and refused to as much as text him. But during the worst months of lockdown, I realized that I still needed Mark in my life. And so did my family. We needed his strength and reassurance that even though things were scary, they would get better. And so I called him, and tried my hardest not to snarl at even his slightest attempt at humor or kindness.
Maybe it was the isolation of the pandemic that made me continue to talk to him. Or maybe it was the realization that Mark pursued me during the breakup as much as he’d done before we got together in the first place. He listened as much when we were apart as we were together. And he apologized. Repeatedly and from the heart. He took full responsibility for his failings. And in truly wanting to understand my pain, he took some of it away.
While I had many happy years with Mark, I never assumed we’d stay in touch if we ever broke up: that just wasn’t my style. I thought to heal one’s heart you must be as far away as possible from the person who broke it. If you’d have asked me before meeting Mark if I could believe a statement of love made upon the occasion of a divorce, I’d have laughed it off. But I’m different now. I live that Bosworth-style post-breakup connection that is probably confusing to most, but a comfortable fit for my ex and me.
As a professional writer, I don’t often rely on the words of others to tell my own story, but in this instance I’ll rely on Bosworth to explain how love can change into something different, but still equally important. “We believe the most epic love stories are those which transcend expectation. Our greatest honor has been to experience love like this, and to continue to marvel at the beauty of love’s evolution. What happens when we reach the end of something and realize … we are just at the beginning.”
Rachel Weingarten is a culture journalist and author of three nonfiction books. She’s currently working on a new mystery series and a book about 80s pop culture influence. Follow her on Twitter @rachelcw
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