A kayak, a nasty water park ride and other snapshots from this mom’s past summers
Summer is getting so close. Most of the area pools are opening in less than two weeks. I’m sort of excited because, well, who doesn’t love summer? But truth be told summer comes in at number four on my favorite season list.
I completely blame growing up in Texas for summer taking the bottom rung in my seasonal affections. In Texas you don’t really enjoy summer. You survive it.
The string of 100 degree days coupled with a humidity so thick it feels like you’re wearing a coat made out of cherry Jell-O and lined with mashed potatoes isn’t my definition of fun, fun, fun.
There’s also the fact that my most embarrassing moments have all happened in the summer with at least one family member as a witness to my public agony. This means several times during the year, one of them will go all “remember when ...” on me and I get to relive one of my moments of supreme humiliation.
If I want to look at the bright side of all this, it would be that I’ve managed to experience these events all across the country. Thus, I’ve formed a travelogue of sorts, making it easier for my family to associate my most cringe-worthy adventures to specific cities across the United States.
For example, if you say Lake Tahoe to my son, his first response will most likely be “I still can’t believe Mom got stuck in that kayak.”
If you’re now pondering how someone could get jammed in a kayak, I can tell you it wasn’t easy. But apparently the size of the kayak, the shape of my thighs and a lack of dexterity created the perfect storm.
Now please note, I wasn’t out in the middle of the lake experiencing this phenomenon. No, this was worse, people — as in a crowd of people were waiting at the kayak rental kiosk for me to get out. I was like Winnie the Pooh when he was stuck in the hole at Rabbit’s house.
My body was adamant about not budging from the itty-bitty kayak that was designed without any regard for my abundant hips. At one point, four people were trying to pull me out. Finally, I had to row back out into the lake and tip the kayak over so I could slither out and then tow the instrument of my mortification back to shore to — wait for it — applause.
My daughter’s favorite “Summer Mom Story” happened in Denver when we were at a water park.
Because I’m a fool, as soon as we got there I let my then 6-year-old talk me into going on a ride called the Toilet Bowl. Basically, you’re hugging a tube as you’re launched down an incline and then you wrestle with centrifugal force as you’re swirled around and around the bowl of the toilet until you’re swallowed by another slide.
Well, I fell out of the tube and the centrifugal force, combined with aggressive water jets, managed to pull my the top down on my one piece swimsuit. Yes, I was on a water park ride topless and circling the toilet bowl over and over to a throng of spectators until I was “flushed.”
It was beyond embarrassing. Yet, we didn’t immediately leave the water park, which meant throughout the day strangers would see me and say things like, “Whoa, that was some ride lady.” I felt like I was doing a walk of shame the entire day and not even a funnel cake and Dippin’ Dots could remediate my misery.
But beware, these aren’t even my worst moments — just my kids’ favorites. I’m crossing my fingers nothing happens this summer that tops these two gems.
Reach Sherry Kuehl at snarkyinthesuburbs@gmail.com, on Facebook at Snarky in the Suburbs, on Twitter at @snarkynsuburbs on Instagram @snarky.in.the.suburbs, and snarkyinthesuburbs.com.
