How to keep your child from becoming a 'sore loser'

Q:  Is being a sore loser a psychiatric illness?

A:  From the online version of Merriam Webster Dictionary, a sore loser is “a person who becomes very upset or angry when he or she loses a game, contest, etc.”

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) lists 10 specific personality disorders: paranoid, schizoid, schizotypal, antisocial, borderline, histrionic, narcissistic, avoidant, dependent and obsessive–compulsive. ‘Sore loser’ is not included here, and I am unaware of this, in and of itself, being a specific psychiatric diagnosis.

However, research has shown that parts of the brain (for example the anterior cingulate cortex) specifically deal with evaluating rewards, identifying mistakes and helping in the decision-making process, so there may be some physiological aspects predisposing some people to "sore loser" behavior, although research has also shown that most people can learn to control this behavior.

As I have noted in a prior column, the DSM defines Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) as a condition of “a pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

• Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)

• Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love

• Believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)

• Requires excessive admiration

• Has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations

• Is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends

• Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others

• Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her

• Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes.”

From this we can see that someone with NPD may sometimes act like the characteristic "sore loser," blaming others/events for their loss (e.g. “the sun was in my eyes,” “Tommy blew the game for us”) and/or even deny having lost at all (e.g. “the referees stole the game from us”, “they cheated”).

PTSD: Treatments may include EMDR eye movement desensitization and reprocessing

Great need: When you donate blood, what diseases do they check for?

The American Psychological Association defines insecurity as “a feeling of inadequacy, lack of self-confidence, and inability to cope, accompanied by general uncertainty and anxiety about one’s goals, abilities, or relationships with others.” So someone who is insecure, even if it is only "deep down" (despite "surface" bravado), would predictably have some difficulty accepting losing, and would be at greater risk of displaying "sore loser" behavior.

In addition, someone who feels entitled (think "spoiled brat") may also display characteristics of being a ‘sore loser.’

So, how can you help prevent your child from acting like a "sore loser"?

• Put the focus on the effort, and not the result

• Also focus on sportsmanship as a very key aspect of competition, and as/more important than the outcome of the contest

• Be a role model

• If your child does act out in a "sore loser" manner, help them understand their feelings (e.g. disappointment, frustration, anger, etc.) and work through them

• Do not simply let your child win, but if they do lose help them find what they can learn from participating/competing

• Allow your child to earn positive feedback and rewards, but do not just hand everything to them (do not create a "spoiled brat").

Testing ... Testing 123: So many medical screening tests! Are they all really necessary?

There are a lot of words "in quotes" above. That’s because today’s column focused on behaviors described by colloquialisms, and not specific medical diagnoses. However, these behaviors may be symptoms of some underlying personality disorder that could require treatment (for example the NPD discussion above), and these behaviors may also create/exacerbate other psychosocial issues. So, if your child/friend/colleague is acting like a "sore loser," recognize the behavior for what it is and what may be causing it, and see what you can do to be a positive influence helping them work through the issue(s), improve and more forward.

Jeff Hersh, Ph.D., M.D., can be reached at DrHersh@juno.com.

This article originally appeared on MetroWest Daily News: Really sore losers might have narcissistic Personality Disorder