I Keep Saying “Yes” This Holiday Season. The Spending Is Out of Control.
Pay Dirt is Slate’s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Athena and Elizabeth here. (It’s anonymous!)
Dear Pay Dirt,
Are there any good ways to budget for the holidays? I feel like every year, the spending spirals out of control—but maybe that’s just the nature of the holidays! I try to set spending limits for each person I’m buying gifts for but all the unexpected costs eventually add up. Think going over budget on gifts, agreeing to go see a Christmas show/event, buying things to bring to festive parties, etc. How do I plan for that and stay on track?
—Holiday Daze
Dear Holiday Daze,
Staying within a budget during the holidays is one of those problems seemingly many of us are eternally bound to face. There is a certain feeling of inevitability in spending more than you initially set out to. In fact, surveys estimate that around a third of Americans go into debt during the season. But that doesn’t need to be the case.
One way you can stay on track is to do a bit of pre-planning: Save up throughout the year. Even if it’s $20 a week, that totals out to be a bit over $900, give or take, by the time it’s December. It sounds like you set a budget for each gift—that’s a great start! Work toward that budget throughout the year, and add a little extra than you expect to need to create a cushion for when those surprise events and costs eventually pop up. Plus, thinking ahead can also get you looking for sales throughout the year—and stocking up on gifts ahead of time.
Another option to consider: Pick and choose a certain number of events to attend and then stick to your choice. If you commit to two holiday parties, don’t say yes to that third white elephant gift exchange you get invited to. The same goes for Christmas events. Propose free or low-cost options when you can (local tree lightings and parades are good places to start) and make peace with skipping out on a few if you feel as though you must in order to save your wallet. Fewer events on your calendar might even mean a little less stress. Enjoy that extra time for relaxing—it’s rare.
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Dear Pay Dirt,
I have been with my partner for six-plus years and we each have daughters, 10 and 11. Everything has been amazing until we moved in together about three years ago. We each have shared possession with our respective exes, so as a mom I end up having my daughter more often during the week than he has his daughter (my stepdaughter). I thought once we moved in together things would be easier for me as a single mom because we’d be sharing the housework/financial/parenting responsibilities, but he has made it apparent that when his daughter isn’t with us, his priority is his work exclusively—which has not been so successful lately and I understand causes him stress. He says this ongoing stress makes it difficult for him to participate in household tasks or spend time with my daughter when we have her alone.
I have a successful career that is growing rapidly and causing more and more stress for me, and I am finding that I am also doing all of the housekeeping, grocery shopping, babysitter booking, Christmas shopping, dinner cooking, laundry, etc. I also currently earn more money than he does, contribute more toward our bills, and manage all of our bill paying. I’ve talked to him about my frustrations with what I perceive as the unfair balance of labor, and he’ll listen and then unload the dishwasher once and call it even. My therapist recommended the book Fair Play, which is gathering dust on our shelf because he “does not have the time to work through it” with me. Every time I try to talk to him about this he gets angry and says he is very stressed and needs to focus on work and tells me I just need to hire more help, which would probably help some things, except I’d be the one footing the bill. I think we can just share our household duties, work together, save money, and respect each other’s work-related stress without it being an excuse for not helping out. How do I get my partner to help me more when he doesn’t want to because he deems his work stress and work responsibilities as more important than mine?
—My Partner Is My Third Child
Dear Partner Is My Third Child,
I feel your frustration through this letter over this standstill in your relationship. I reached out to Salvatore Damiata, founder and relationships coach of Attractiontruth, for some help.
“In a couple, it’s essential to never take for granted that the other partner automatically understands our pain anytime we feel,” Damiata said. And what is perceived as heavy emotional burden by one partner might be thought of as less of a problem by another. This could be part of the reason why he does not seem to understand why this is so upsetting to you.
To move forward, Damiata suggests asking yourself if you are taking on more chores and emotional labor than you feasibly can. You’ve already mentioned that you feel as though you are, so jot that down. Write down exactly what it is you do around the house and what feels like too much for you to handle on your own. Then consider what your partner could do to help if communication wasn’t currently an obstacle. Utilize these notes in a conversation together. Using kind words and a compassionate tone can go far, so it’s important to try to keep the conversation level-headed. Ultimately, if this approach can’t convince him something needs to change, you both would benefit from a counselor or third party who can help you two come to a solution. Good luck.
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Dear Pay Dirt,
My fiancé and I have talked about getting a prenup, but neither of us is enthused about the logistical headache and high cost of hiring lawyers to execute one. We think we’ve come up with a DIY alternative: Once we get married, we’ll deposit most or all of our paychecks into a joint account to be used for shared expenses, but we’ll keep our pre-existing bank and investment accounts separate so they’re not considered marital property in our state (New York). If we need to make big shared purchases, we can pull from our personal accounts as necessary.
Is this a legit solution, or should we just suck it up and get the prenup? For context, we are both entering the marriage with net worths in the mid-six figures. My future husband’s salary is currently higher than mine and likely always will be, but my work has a project-based component that is difficult to predict but potentially lucrative.
—Too Lazy for a Prenup
Dear Too Lazy for a Prenup,
I can’t tell you whether to get a prenup or not because every couple has different money management skills and assets. I will, however, say that we can’t predict the future. The best couples can grow apart and experience grief or volatile changes, all of which can make people act selfishly. I’ve had readers write in with some pretty extreme betrayals. I also know several women who built six-figure businesses while married, only to have their ex-husbands walk away with half.
Prenups can do more than just protect your assets as well. It can also give you peace of mind when dividing future assets accumulated together, provide instructions on spousal support, speed along divorce proceedings, and protect the inheritances of any future kids you may have. You’ll have to weigh if the effort and money needed to hire lawyers is worth it for the pros this agreement can offer you. If you’re still unsure, you can always look into getting a postnuptial agreement down the line instead.
—Athena
So, I just left the Dollar Store, where I purchased several items—then subsequently left without paying for an entire bag of stuff! I didn’t realize my error until I got home. I’m not sure what to do now. My first thought was to go right back, apologize, and pay for the items.
